Gore Whore

That's right.  I am a Gore Whore.  I love blood and guts and gore.  I think it started originally with my grandmother.  When my grandpa would go away for the weekend, fishing or whatever, she would come and stay with us.  We would rent the most horrible, cheesy B-movie horrors ever seen, and watch them all weekend in marathons sessions.  She loved them.  Both Adam and I are huge fans now, and I think that has a lot to do with it.

The first "grown up" book I ever read was "The Howling."  I think I was in Grade 4 (correct me if I'm wrong, mom).  I remember it was summer, my mom had just finished reading it, and I picked it up and just started reading.  I knew it was an adult book, and I thought I would get in trouble for reading it.  So I hid it from my mom for a while.  When she did finally figure out that I was reading it, I didn't get in trouble at all.  I think she was actually pretty surprised.  I was only about 9 years old, after all.   I remember understanding most of it.  There are some graphic sex parts in it, and I am pretty sure I really didn't understand much of that.  But I really liked the werewolves.  By the time I was in 8th grade, I was devouring Stephen King and anything else I could get my hands on.  My mom encouraged that, and we reccommended books often.  Still do.

I am still the same.  I turn to horror first, most of the time.  My photography company revolves around the idea of horror.  I get little shivery thrills when Rue Morgue rolls around.  Thank God for Bill, I get to actually watch scary movies at the movies sometimes, instead of having to always wait for video (since Geoff hates them and won't go watch.)

So, with all this, and my inherent love of all things Halloween, why do I not care this year?  I haven't decorated the house, I just bought my candy last night.  I couldn't force myself to dress up at work today, and I am not excited about this weekend at all.  I did like going to Sebastian's school today, and seeing his Halloween parade.  But other than that, I could take it or leave it.

Happy halloween times

I HATE that I feel this way.  I love holidays.  Everyone makes fun of me for it, but I don't care.  I don't want to be apathetic about holidays.  I want them to be events for the kids, things that they look forward to and have fun during, and talk about afterwards.  I want to create memories.  I don't want to be "that" person- that complains that Christmas is coming, that hates getting the valentine's ready, that doesn't hide eggs for thier kids, and that hides in the basement on Halloween night with the lights off.  I want to have fun and love every single minute of it.

But this year, I don't.  I don't know why.  It makes me sad.

Maybe I will change my mind.  Maybe next year will be better. 

I think some of it is the pressure I am feeling about the wedding coming up.  I am nervous, and I am at the stage where I am just wishing it was over.  I also get bitter about the fact that if I don't do it ("it" being decorating, carving pumpkins, buying candy, what have you), no one else will.  Because no one else cares.  And if they don't care, then why would I expect them to help?  Short answer is- I shouldn't.  But I do.  Unfair of me, I know, but there it is.  It scares me- because the people around me are not into the things that I am, I am worried that it kills the part of me that loves it, just a little bit, each year.  Each year, it gets harder and harder to care, and to work and to do the things I want to do.  Some day, I worry, that part will be gone.  And I just won't care at all anymore. 

Anyway...

The Gore Whore in me knows that this will get better.  It's just an off year.  But I wish I was on, I wish everything was great, and perfect and put together. 

I wish I loved Halloween more this year.

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "negative".



This was mine and Sebastian's contribution to a silent auction for a children's charity.