Last Friday, Dawn and I went to TO to see Ghost Stories. It was good and funny and we had a good time. I jumped a couple of times and some stuff freaked me out. All was as it should be.
After the show, because neither of us had eaten we went to a pub beside the theatre. We had a beer and some yummy pub food.
We were chatting about nothing in particular. I am not sure how we got on the topic, but we started talking about God and higher powers.
God has been on my mind alot lately. Particularily since Kit died. So maybe the conversation was just a natural progression from my thoughts of late.
Dawn's opinion is, of course, her own and I won't post it here. I don't think she is particularily private about her thoughts, and probably doesn't even care but still...those are her own to share. Suffice it to say, she is very, very angry, and God/Entity/Higher Power is the recipient of alot of that anger. A question of faith is a natural by-product of losing your dad.
However the conversation got me thinking again about my thoughts and beliefs. I have always believed in God. I used to go to Sunday School as a kid, then stopped, then started again. I was confirmed in a Lutheran Church, but then they kicked me out so I got married non-denominationally. Neither of my kids are baptised but I am godmother to 2 wonderful kids-my nephew Roan and my good friend, Jen's daughter Emily.
So, what do I believe? Well, I believe in God but not church. I know, that sounds like a cliche. But I really, really have trouble wrapping my head around it. I understand that most of the Catholic doctrine was written (and re-written) by human men, afraid of change, and hungry for power. These men ruled nations and armies and wrote rules that would keep the men in those nations under their control. They ruled through fear and the threat of eternal damnation. The fact that you could "buy" your way out of a sin by purchasing an indulgence tell me that at the heart of most religion there is money.
Now I do believe that some of the men and women called to serve the Lord do truly believe, in their hearts and souls that they are serving a higher purpose. That they are here to do good on Earth and pave the way for as many as possible to be saved, and move into Heaven in the afterlife.
I just find it hard to believe that if someone eats pork they might go to hell. *shrugs* Call me blasphemous, if you must.
I do believe though. I believe in fate, in a grand design. I believe in free will, but I also believe that we are directed to major checkpoints along the way. They may be grand decisions, like who to marry, whether to have children or not. Most, I believe, are small and it is only in hindsight that we can see their real relevance. Do I take this job, or that job?
Do I have that extra beer, even though I know I have to drive home?
Do I 'fess up, or do I lie?
Most of it, we probably decide unconsiously. We make the decision and live with the consequences. We makes our bed, we lies in it.
Anyway...God. I believe in Heaven. I believe in Hell. I hope I go to Heaven. I hope the people that I love are all there. I don't want to believe that when we die, we are finished. I know what's-his-name, you know, the smart one in the wheelchair. Can't remember his name. Anyway, I know he believes we are like computers. When we are done, we are done. Power source is gone, out go the lights.
But I believe in miracles. I believe in the soul. And how can those exist if God doesn't?
But I still question.
Why did God make Sebastian the way he is?
Why does God let genocide happen?
Why does God let grown men rape little babies?
Why does God take people that are good, and leave assholes behind?
I guess I also believe that God is too fucking busy to worry about the little shit. He is like a mother. He is runing around, getting stuff together. He has basically told us "Sort it out between you selves. I don't have time to deal with that." And we just keep fucking it up, because we are inherently selfish and dumb.
So, anyway, I have gone off on some tangents here huh? :)
I think about going back to church sometimes. Just in case. I wonder, if I prayed long enough and hard enough, would God help me? Would he hear? Would I have peace in my soul? There is something so comforting about handing your troubles over to someone else...to believe that there is someone else out there that will take care of you, and help you. That is looking out for you. I dunno....
I miss church on Christmas Eve. That was always a magical service. Candles and carols and the Christmas Story. I used to be able to recite it off by heart. That and the Apostles Creed. I probably still could, if someone got me started.
So, I believe. I do. I still lie and cheat and I have stolen before. I covet and take the Lord's name in vain. I worship false idols. But I believe. And I try to do right. I teach my kids to pray and we do, pretty much every night. I tell them about Jesus at Christmas and Easter. They each have a children's book of Bible Stories. I prayed for Kit, and my Grandma and Grandpa. I still do. I talk to them, and ask them for help. I talk to God and ask him too.
Anyway, that's what I believe.
Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "iNgrained belief".