"Change, when it comes, cracks everything open."
Dorothy Allen

Saturday, May 26, 2012


I strongly dislike drama in my life.

I love harmony.  I love the status quo.  I like waking up and knowing what's in store for me today.  I like being in control. 

That being said, I am an adult and I understand that drama, change and pessimism are a part of life.  I get it.  I just don't like it.

I struggle with anxiety.  I have always been a worrier.  I struggle with change, and will stay up late, going over and over in my mind what the change will be like, what I will do or say, how I think others will react.  Worry is my co-pilot in life.  I guess I know where Sebastian gets his anxiety issues from.

So, today, when I get an email from my mom, in 24 point font, in screaming red letters that a link I posted to Facebook has been reported abusive, gee...that anxiety kicks in full blast.  When she follows up with a phone call to Geoff for the same thing, my stomach is now in knots.

Apparently someone on the Autism Ontario page reported one of the links to our TaCL Portraits blog (the pictures we do of special needs kids) as abusive, so all the links have been pulled off the page.  I went back through and deleted all the actual posts from the last couple of months.  No big deal, done in one.

But now, in the pit of my stomach, I have that ball of nervousness and worry.  What did I say and do?  Which post was it in particular that offended people?  Do people think I am a phoney, or making fun of special needs people? 

And the other sinking feeling is that I have tanked again.  TaCL was supposed to be my good idea.  Geoff was supposed to be working on it, making it better, improving and going forward.  And now...well...now is different.

Something silly and stupid like this is all it takes to shake my confidence.  It's not like it was going anywhere, or doing anything big (Geoff updated the blog once in 3 weeks, and even then, it wasn't perfect and needed more work.)  The last 4 jobs we have done were freebies.  So yeah, we were taking the slow way to nowhere. 

But still, it would have been nice to continue without the drama. *sigh* I think it's just an off day today.  I will blame the head cold and hope everything, including my attitude gets better tomorrow.

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "nowhere fast".

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