Sebastian won the effort award for April at school today. This is 3rd award this school year. That is a big deal for a kid that up until a few months ago was completely disengaged in his class. I am so proud of him.
But in that pride is a little tick of worry. I worry that the only reason the school is recognizing him is because he is medicated.
Sebastian's teacher was a big advocate of us medicating Sebastian. If you recall, it was a big decision for us, and one we didn't come to lightly. We started the meds in December and he has been on them ever since. We had our own reasons for medicating Sebastian and it is actually something we had already looked into and made an appointment with his pediatrician for, before the teacher and Sebastian's OT ever approached us about it. I doubt that I would have pursued it, if the recommendation had just come from them. I needed to be in the right place myself, to want and see the need for it in Sebastian. I don't give a shit about the teacher and what he needs. That might be harsh, but it's the truth.
So, he very much wanted this. The therapists at Brick by Brick, where Sebastian does his therapy did not. The director had a very serious conversation with me about the medication. Not so much trying to talk me out of it, but to make sure that I was doing it for all the right reasons, and basically not being pressured into it by someone...namely, a teacher. Once we talked, she seemed good with the decision and hasn't questioned us since.
We have been getting great feedback from his therapy and from school (obviously! They keep giving him awards!). And that is very gratifying. But still...
Are they awarding him and his behaviour? Are they really recognizing his efforts and his new found ability to try and push himself?
Or are they rewarding the fact that he now conforms to what they want? Do they celebrate the fact that he is less hassle and less effort for them?
It scares me to think that I am turning him into another cog in the wheel. I don't trust the teacher enough to believe any answer he gives me, so I don't ask the questions.
This situation would probably drive me crazy if not for the light at the end of my tunnel.. Geoff and I are going to be trying to get Sebastian into a private school for the fall. With the director of BbB, who currently homeschools kids with autism and is getting AMAZING results. She thinks Sebastian will be a perfect fit and is anxious and excited to get him in her classroom.
I am excited too. I am figuring out the logistics (like tuition!!! YIKES!) but I am going to make it happen. If I have to sell a car, blood and Geoff, I will make it happen.
So, anyway, tonight we will celebrate my boy's effort award. I am proud, despite of the way it may sound. I am thrilled that he is being recognized by someone other than us, for being the amazing kid that he is.
Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "natural born winner!"