"Change, when it comes, cracks everything open."
Dorothy Allen

Sunday, July 29, 2012


This is another old note from Facebook, making it's way over to my blog.  Enjoy!

Originally posted Tuesday, September 29, 2009.


I am not a religious person. Sure, I went to Sunday School as a kid, I have read (most of) the bible, I know the Lord's prayer, and Sebastian and I say his prayers together every night. My belief, however, is a nebulous thing, ever changing and stretching. I believe God negotiates, that animals have souls and that fate is another aspect of God's plan.

And I also believe in Angels.

I believe in lots of things. When I say believe, I mean BELIEVE. I don't mean that "I like the concept of", or that "I believe in the spirit of"...I mean, I believe, with my whole heart that different things exist. I believe in fairies, aliens, ghosts, monsters, unicorns, sea monsters, dragons, elves, goblins and all the others are out there. I believe in the Loch Ness Monster, Big Foot, the Bermuda Triangle...

and Angels.

The reason I keep mentioning Angels, is that I have had occasion to think about the people that have come in and out of my life. Mostly when it comes to Sebastian. I think these people are drawn to him. It sounds corny, and strange, but I am starting to think that it is absolutely true.

I have, for a while now, thought of Sebastian as a standard bearer. When we meet new people, who don't know about us, or him, or autism, he becomes that image. While he has his flaws (lots of them), his good points are enough to inspire love, and faith and hope. I have seen it happen, over and over again. People who would rely on ignornance and bad taste, embrace him and his different-ness. He changes people. He changed me.

So anyway, back to the angels. Because of Sebastian's basic, intrinsic goodness, not tainted by the influence of others, but instead making his own small impact of the world around him, he is attracting angels.

Don't believe me?

Sebastian's first speech therapist, Maria. On the day we started working with her, she hugged me, and told me she would help us on our path. On the day we left her care, she hugged me harder and told me "Your son is buried in there somewhere. I have faith that you will find him." I think of that often, when I am discouraged, and it pulls me through.

Sebastian's first swimming teacher, Judy, and his second, Beth and his third, JP. Judy hugs him everytime she sees him. Beth, when she came back to work on March Break, traded a shift so that she would be there on Thursday to see Sebastian. JP just shrugged and smiled when I told him Sebastian was autistic, and said "I just think he's cool." They see my son for 1 hour, once a week, and yet love him, deeply, and inspire a huge trust in him, for them.

Sebastian's beaver leaders, Sunshine and Hawkeye. They created a whole new level of Beavers, just for Sebastian. Just because they don't want him to leave. Because they know he won't be ready for Cubs and they want him to have someplace to go. Because they love having him there.

Sebastian's kindergarten teacher, Catharine. To this day, she and I email. She cried when Sebastian sang a solo in his Christmas play last year, even though he had been out of her class for 3 years. She wants him to be friends with her kids.

And so many others. I hear horror stories from other parents, about the roadblocks and ignorance they encounter. While we have had our share, overwhelmingly, these are the type of people I have found. Does Sebastian attract them? Do they pull us in? I don't know, but I think of it often.

It is the latest angel, that really made me think...

Cierra, a 9 year old in the cooking class I took with Sebastian last week. Sometimes I forget what "regular" kids are like. I am never around them. So when I integrate Sebastian with them, he stands out so much, and is so different. I feel it, and he feels it. He starts to act out, he starts stimming like crazy. He vibrates like a tuning fork, I feel it come off him in waves- anxiety, tension, fear.

Cierra, with absolutely no prompting, took him under her wing. Everything Cierra did, she offered to Sebastian first. She took his hand and pulled him up to the front to stand with her. She gave him praise when he did even the smallest task. No one told her to do it. No one else did it first to show her. She just felt it. She knew what he needed and she gave it to him.

I told her mother after the class that she should be so proud of her daugther. She thanked me and gave me a confused smile. I cried the whole way home, because I met a 9 year old angel.

Angels. They come when they are needed, and when least expected.


Sebastian and his woman, Alyssa.  He still misses her.
looks grouchy, but just squinty, really
Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for 'nother one that ain't new, but still good". 

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