I have had a rough couple of days at work. For a number of reasons, really.
First, I had a few days off in August. And I was super productive and engaged in my home life during those days. And they made me realize (or just reminded me) of what is really important. My home, my family, my friends, my own peace of mind. They were good days, happy days, and I want more of them. It makes me wonder why I can't have them, and why the expectation in our modern society, is that your happy, fulfilled, contented days will be few and far between, limited only to the selected days off and vacation days that you might be allotted. Why can't I live my life that way? What's wrong with wanting, hoping and expecting that? Why does it feel selfish and self-indulgent to feel that way? Anyway, these days off made going back to work that much harder.
Second, I have restarted with the laws of attraction/Secret purpose. I am doing the work, reading the books and trying to make good things happen. And they are! Some of them are simply amazing. But my big stumbling block is work. I find it sooooo hard to be positive there. There is alot of negativity in my team and all around me, it is very difficult not to be sucked in. I struggle very much with that. The good news is that one of my co-workers might be jumping on the Secret bandwagon, so having someone else support me in this would be very beneficial. I have my fingers crossed. One of my daily mantras and visualizations is " I do what I love. My days are filled with my heart's passion." To be honest, I don't really know for sure what that is, but I know what I am doing ain't it.
Thirdly, I have been doing crafts and things at home. I am trying to raise some extra money to help pay Sebastian's tuition for school. It might seem tacky or weird, but the simple fact is, I need help. I can keep us living on my salary- pay the bills, put food on the table, keep the roof over our heads. But the extra hit of the tuition, it's gonna be so hard. So, every little bit extra helps. I won't take him out of the school, and if that means I sell my cars and my home to do it, I will. I will do whatever it takes to get him what he needs. I am starting small, doing wreaths, small crafts, a garage sale. I am trying to be positive and draw abundance to me. It's doing pretty well, and I am encouraged. Everyone is being super supportive. It has been fun to be creative. So again, this makes the monotony and ridiculousness of my regular job that much harder to swallow. You would think it would be the opposite (at least I thought so)- that with other distractions in my life, the day to day would be easier to bear and get through. But it's not. It's harder. It feels like it sucks the life and light of of me. I build it up, only to lose it again.
Fourth, the job sucks. It really, really does. At this point, about the only thing I like about it is the paycheque and the immediate people I work with. It is frustrating in every aspect. I feel as though I am treading water. I am getting to a point that I had been successful in staving off for a while, but the dread I feel in my stomach when I walk through the doors is unmistakeable.
I need a change.
I am not making an huge announcements here. I haven't quit, nor will I quit until I have a solid back up plan. I am first and foremost a responsible parent and adult. I would never, EVER leave a job and impact my family negatively, just to make myself feel better. However, I do recognize that as long as I am unhappy, I am not the person I should be and was meant to be, especially for my family, the people I most want to protect and cherish.
I am realizing, year by year, that life is short. Very short. I am where I am today, because of the choices I have made. I understand that. I really do. So now, I want to make the choices to change it. I started with my weight loss (and that journey continues!) My next mountain is this job. I guess it's time to start climbing.
Sorry if this was whiny. It was on my mind today.
Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "next step".