Ok, I didn't like the movie, but it seemed an appropriate title.
I have spent the last 2 weeks in a state of internal upheaval (and no, I am not referencing my stunning bout with the stomach flu on Thanksgiving).
As you know, I am trying to follow the laws of attraction. And the Universe very recently plopped something in my lap.
My good friend from work found me a home. My home. A perfect home. It is absolutely everything that I would ever look for. It is the answer, very literally, to my prayers.
It is 6 acres of property. The farmland is pesticide free (a big plus for my little "canary in the coal mine", Sebastian). It is on the water, and is bordered by a 31 acre marshland, which is protected by the conservancy of Canada (meaning it will never be developed). The home is 4 bedrooms, almost 2000 sq ft, and 136 years old. It has a long lane way that leads up to the house, bordered with mature trees. There is a year round road accessing the home, which will be plowed in the winter. There are 2 established outbuildings on the property, and nature trails going on in all directions.
Best part? It costs $125,000.
Ever since I have seen it, I think about it all the time. I picture my life there. I think about the new reality of what my life could be. I could sell my house, and make enough that my mortgage would be minimal. If I could stop working a 60/70 hour work week, and potentially drop to part time hours, could I then start thinking about homeschooling the kids? I could work the land, bring in some livestock, like goats and chickens. I could eliminate TVs from my household. Could I go off grid? Could I start to write to supplement my income? I picture riding bikes down the long lane way, taking rambling walks with the kids. I picture being protected and safe. I picture snowy days, with nothing to do but read and knit. I can smell the off ocean breezes, freshly turned red earth, animals, blossoms. Freedom.
All of this has been swirling in my head. And breaking my heart.
Because, the reality is, I'm not going. I'm really not. Geoff just started his store. He can't leave right now. He won't leave anytime soon. My house isn't ready to go on the market to be sold. Sebastian just started his school. The realities of my life are such that the dream of my life can't come true.
At least not now.
That's what I am telling myself. Not now. Maybe someday. Why would the universe bring this to me, if not to show me what was possible? To give me hope. I can't see this as a punishment, a "look what you can't have". I have to try and see this as "this is what is out there, waiting for you. When you are ready".
For now, I am building an inspiration board. A place to put pictures of the things that I want to have and see and be.
And first on that board- my dream home. Waiting for me.
Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "not now."