"Change, when it comes, cracks everything open."
Dorothy Allen

Friday, April 5, 2013


Life seems to like to throw me curve balls.  Not nice, easy, lobbing ones, that fall gently to the earth as if floated there by butterfly wings.  No, fast, vicious curve balls, that whistle in the air, and that you can only hit if you swing early and straight across. 

I don't like curve balls. 

I like predictable.  I like knowing what comes next.  Sure, the occasional surprise or pleasant happenstance can be fun.  For example: finding a $20 bill in the pocket of your spring coat- fun!  Getting an adjustment on your gas bill for an additional $200 that you owe- not fun!  One I like.  The other I don't.  Guess which is which.

The curve balls that I get thrown always seem to come at the worst time.  I guess that's what makes them curve balls.  Duh.  But basically, it seems to happen when I am just starting to get comfortable.  When I am starting to hit my stride.  When I just finally am starting to think "I got this.  I'm gonna be OK."

Wham-O!  Ball to the side of the head.  Out cold.

Well, maybe not that bad.  Ball to the solar plexus.  Wind knocked out of me.  Yeah.  That's more like it.

I have had a lot of curve balls thrown at me in my time.  Obviously, the biggest lately was the unhappy results of Sebastian's latest surgery.  Blam.  Not fun.

But there have been others (as I am sure all of you have had them too!  But this is my blog, so right now, it's all about me.  So there.)  Geoff losing jobs.  We used to call him the Company Killer.  He would start working for them, and then they would close up shop.  Gametronics. Dufferin Games.  Maax Spas.  Direct Energy at Accenture.  Not fun.  Not good times.  Every time it happened, I would pick up the pieces and figure out how to move on. 
Sebastian's issues.  His delays.  His physical and health issues.  His schooling.  His therapy.  All of it.  Just as I start to get used to what is our normal as of today, something changes. Now there is a whole new normal to get used to. 
My job.  Just as I seem to get a rhythm at work, something will change.  My role will move or change.  My client or project ends.  My boss leaves.  My co-workers rotate.  For someone that loves routine, these are all hard to take. 

These are just a few.  There are more, some that I am probably not even thinking of right now. 

Amidst all of these curving balls flying at my head are the regular day to day things that we all have to handle as adults: bills, money, jobs, family, friends, kids, groceries, cars, houses, etc, etc. 

And then there are the things we want.  That we want so very, very badly.  For me, it's a long list:
- a clean and well organized home
- updates to the house- bathroom, kitchen, basement, backyard
- get back on track health wise
- do more crafts
- do more fundraising
- plant a garden
- learn to can and preserve
- look into homeschooling
- write more

That list could go on and on as well.

So, I guess now, I'm stuck.  I don't know what to do.  I am so busy dodging these curve balls, that I don't stop to look at where I am heading. I am barreling around the bases as fast as I can, without a clear idea of where I am going to end up.  I am dropping things in my wake, and never really noticing that they are gone, until it's too late.  How do I stop this (this cycle, not the horrible baseball metaphor.  That's nearing an end, anyway.)

I need to get my shit together.  I need to figure stuff out.  I have no idea where to start.  I have no idea what to do.  That's why I'm in this situation- I am overwhelmed with things to do, so instead I do nothing.  Shame on me.

I think I was hoping that writing this out would help.  I was hoping there would be a great revelation in my words that would crack this problem wide open.  Instead, it has come across as jumbled and confused as I am. 

Tomorrow is a new day.  I will embrace it.  I guess.  I really don't have anything else to do.

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "nothing to it but to do it".

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