We all have them. I just had me one.
The worst part is...nothing particularly bad happened. I worked from home, Sawyer went to school. Sebastian actually spent the morning away from the TV. I stuck to my new diet, even though I am still learning. I got a bit of cleaning done, and made a good dinner for the kids. The house is *relatively* clean and the laundry is kinda caught up.
See, nothing horrific happened. I still consider it a bad day though.
Work was....work. Sigh. It is frustrating and disorganized. The people I work with, with very few exceptions, are exhausting. I want so much more in my life, I hate that I am stuck here, spinning my wheels, being fruitless and fearful.
My frustration from work carried over into home. Sawyer is trying on the best days. She is at the stage where she very literally is never, ever quiet. We play the quiet game with her sometimes. Her record is 9 seconds. She physically can't do more than that, without talking. Sometimes, most times, she is funny and hilarious and I can just laugh at the ridiculous and amazing things that come out of her little brain. But on the wrong day, her constant need for validation and recognition, her endless questions and attention seeking, her need for ongoing physical contact- it drains me (as I type this, she is beside me, fresh out of the bath, leaning on my arm so she can see the words I am typing, even though she can't read them. I have an ice cube tucked in my elbow, because she says it needs to be there, because she is a doctor, oh wait, let's play school, my hair is wet, where is my spray....Do you see what I mean?)
After a day like today, when I am dealing with fully grown, and supposedly functioning adults that can't take care of themselves, the seemingly incessant needs of my children wore on my last nerve. I found myself snapping at them, on the verge of yelling and real rage. I caught it in time, and managed to make some space for myself, by doing laundry and cleaning the bathroom. When I came back, I was better. Not good, but better.
Maybe part of it is because I am tired. I can't remember what it is like to not be tired. Tired in my body, in my brain, in my soul. I have had recurring dreams, where I lose my job, where I have to train my replacements. I dream that I am going on a vacation, only at the last minute to find out that even though I was invited, no one bought my ticket, because they really didn't want me there to begin with. I dream that I come home and my house is so full of junk, that FACS is coming to take the kids.
Yeah, it doesn't take a lot to read between the lines on these. Feelings of insecurity, of inadequacy, of being out of control.
I have been tackling things on my to do list. Instead of feeling good about that, it makes me angry that it is still kicking around, waiting to be done. My brother has pretty much finished his work in my yard. I am incredibly grateful, but also disconcerted because there is so much left that I want to do. No money or time to do it though.
So, yeah, pretty much a pity party all day long. And then when I think that, it bothers me that I can't legitimately feel bad about some of the bad things that happen in my life. I get resentful that I always have to be "fine", that things are "ok". Sometimes they are, well and truly, and sometimes they are way, way better, right into the world of awesome. But sometimes, they are not.
So, anyway, I had a bad day today, for no good reason. But I am going to try and remember some of the good things that happened. Maybe it can change from bad, to not so bad. God forbid, maybe even good.
- found $20 today
- found a winning lottery ticket
- Sawyer had a bath and let me wash her hair, without much fuss
- Sebastian has been pretty good today. He did outside time without fighting me
- The dining room table is cleared off
- I made it to the bus stop in time to sit in the sun/shade a little bit
- I got to work from home
- I stuck to my new diet
- I am not eating crackers right now, even though Sawyer is right beside me eating them
- I mopped the floors
- I vacuumed
- Sawyer's floor is clear. Nothing else is clean, but at least the floor is
- I got to sleep all night in my own bed
- I got to turn the air conditioner off today and open the windows
- Dinner was pretty good
- Adam laid down mulch today. It looks great
That's it for now. Some days, you just have to cut your losses. I am going to finish the laundry, start my new porch sign and go to bed early. Tomorrow just might be a better day.
Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "nincompoop".