"Change, when it comes, cracks everything open."
Dorothy Allen

Friday, June 14, 2013

Truth time

ok...I'm back..or at least I am going to try to be. 

I have fallen out of the blogging habit.  Partly because I wanted to, partly because I needed to, and partly because I am lazy.

But I have missed it.  So I am going to try harder. 

I am inspired by some other blogs I read.  Every day, there is a new post, even just something little, or pictures or something.  So, I am going to try and set aside time every weekday (weekends are optional!) to blog something.  Anything.  Good luck to me!

As you know from my last post, Sebastian has had and survived (not just survived, excelled at, crushed, succeeded!!) his surgery.  Life is slowly returning to our version of normal. Sure there are some changes.  Nothing we can't handle.

But now, as we get back to normal, I have been forced to take a look at my life, and where I let it get to.  Since we found out that Sebastian was going to need surgery (end of November/beginning of December ish) I have really, REALLY let myself go.  I have been pretty aware of it, I have seen it happening, but I did very little to stop its progress.  At times, I willingly gave into it.  I gorged myself, I stopped exercising.  I ate whenever and whatever I wanted.  I would feel sick, and I simply didn't care. 

At the time, I really didn't associate it with Sebastian, and I am quite sure his situation isn't 100% of the cause of it. But the week after he came home, I got on the scale. Holy shit.  I don't want to type it, but I will.  I had gained back 40 lbs.  40.  Wow.  I had been down 70, and now more than half of it had come back. 

I knew that Sebastian was doing well, and was going to be with us for a long time, so I decided that I should probably stick around too. I got serious that day, and since then, about 4 weeks, I have dropped almost 20lbs.  Thank goodness.  I still have a long way to go, but it would be nice to at least get back to where I was before.

Two weeks ago, I started feeling really sick.  I had swollen glands, couldn't turn my head.  I could literally see the glands in my neck, under the skin.  They stuck out like Frankenstein's bolts.  My body hurt, I had a fever.  I went to the clinic, they gave me antibiotics for strep.  I have had that before- it hurts like hell for about 2 days, and then I start to get better.  I know that I have 2 days of not being able to swallow, of crying when I have to force down the pills.

But by day 6, when I am still feeling that way, and it's not getting better at all, I know something is wrong.  Back to the doctor I go.  And now I know.  Not strep, mono.  I didn't even get to kiss anyone to get it.

It's a week later and I feel a bit better.  I can eat and drink again, although lots of times, I'm not really hungry.  I am super tired though, and can probably sleep about 15 hours a day.  I take naps as often as I can, and try to go to bed early.  I don't kiss my kids or Geoff, for fear of giving it to them.  My mom basically took care of my kids for a week straight, so that I could sleep and I didn't pass it on.  (She's a rockstar, that mom of mine.)

And I know, I have no one to blame but myself.  Stress and lack of care did this to me.  I stopped looking after myself, a long time ago, and I am paying for it now.  I know I have to change, this is my wake up call.

I attended 2 funeral visitations last week, for different people.  Both were young, too young to be gone.  Another call from the universe, telling me to get my ass in gear.

I am listening to the universe.  I am trying to let in light and life.  To live in the moment.  To make good choices.  To cut out the bad (food, habits, energy, people, attitude...whatever!) and find more of the good.  I am looking for beauty, doing what I love.   

Wish me luck. I will keep you posted.

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "now".


  1. Welcome back to blogging, and thanks for sharing your story and thoughts with us.

    I myself have been away from it all, but I am thinking about some changes, for my online self as well as my real-world version.

    Together, we can make things happen.

    1. Thanks Connie!! I like that thought "Together, we can make things happen!" I agree, wholeheartedly.