"Change, when it comes, cracks everything open."
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
It's been a while since I posted. Sorry (I know 3 people that read this. This apology is for them, and if you read it, and I don't know about it, then it's for you too.) I got to feeling crummy, and then we went away for the weekend to the cottage.
First things first. Cottage was great. It was sad that Adam wasn't there, and I missed him (and my dog missed him more!) My mom did make me stay in and do homework on the Saturday, but my dad and I got some good fishing in on Sunday, so that was good. Geoff, Mom, Sebastian and Sawyer and I went for a nice little hike (that ended in tears from Sawyer, and Geoff and I carrying her back, because she was tired). We hot tubbed like crazy people, and I even slept in a bit on Saturday (til 830- WHO-fucking-HOOOO! Awesome). All in all, great weekend. I feel recharged, a bit sad, and want my own cottage. Erg. Someday. Maybe.
Tonight I had my banquet for the ladies golf league I joined this year with a group of girls from work. It was fun- both the league and the banquet. It got me thinking about the things that I have joined over the years, and how it played out.
For a long time, I refused to join organized sports. I hate the commitment. I hate knowing that every week, at the same time, that I HAVE to be somewhere. As Steve Martin says in "Parenthood"- "My whole life is 'have-to'."
However, now, with the kids, I have them enrolled in tons of things (Sebastian has is Social Skills group and gymnastics, Sawyer has swimming and gymnastics). I find the routine comforting. My days, weeks and month fly by. I feel useful, busy and worthwhile. I appreciate my down time- not that there is any.
But when it comes to me, I don't wanna. Tai chi, as much as I like it and it helped, discourages me. I don't like that it isn't something you can master. I don't like that there is no end in sight. Give me a 10 week course, no problem. I will be there. But leave it open ended, and tell me that it is a good thing that I will be there in 10 more years, and I am outtie. I know, for some people, that is the ultimate. It is the constant challenge of besting yourself, improving, driving yourself forward. That's not me.
I want need to be the best, at everything I do. Everything. When I read, I have to be the fastest, and understand everything at a level that other's might not see. When I create- knitting, painting, writing- I need to know that people love what I do, and that I am good at it. Even my dog has to be the best. I am a little amazed that I have stuck with the training though. Axle and I kicked ass in the first part of the training. The second half, however, we are getting our asses whomped. He is the best dog I have ever had, and I have the ultimate faith in him. Maybe that's why I haven't quit.
And that's what has me thinking- am I a quitter? Or a realist? If I am not the best at something, and it doesn't happen immediately, then I usually quit. So, am I a quitter, because I am not willing to stick it out, and work hard, and make it happen? Or am I a realist, knowing that I haven't found my passion, my talent, and that I shouldn't waste anymore time on it? That I should move on, and find my heart's desire?
Don't know. Tired of thinking about it. This entry was harder to write and it didn't work the way I wanted it to, so I'm stopping.