Quitter

It's been a while since I posted.  Sorry (I know 3 people that read this.  This apology is for them, and if you read it, and I don't know about it, then it's for you too.)  I got to feeling crummy, and then we went away for the weekend to the cottage.

First things first.  Cottage was great.  It was sad that Adam wasn't there, and I missed him (and my dog missed him more!)  My mom did make me stay in and do homework on the Saturday, but my dad and I got some good fishing in on Sunday, so that was good.  Geoff, Mom, Sebastian and Sawyer and I went for a nice little hike (that ended in tears from Sawyer, and Geoff and I carrying her back, because she was tired).  We hot tubbed like crazy people, and I even slept in a bit on Saturday (til 830- WHO-fucking-HOOOO!  Awesome).  All in all, great weekend.  I feel recharged, a bit sad, and want my own cottage.  Erg.  Someday.  Maybe.

Tonight I had my banquet for the ladies golf league I joined this year with a group of girls from work.  It was fun- both the league and the banquet.  It got me thinking about the things that I have joined over the years, and how it played out. 

For a long time, I refused to join organized sports.  I hate the commitment.  I hate knowing that every week, at the same time, that I HAVE to be somewhere.  As Steve Martin says in "Parenthood"- "My whole life is 'have-to'." 

However, now, with the kids, I have them enrolled in tons of things (Sebastian has is Social Skills group and gymnastics, Sawyer has swimming and gymnastics).  I find the routine comforting.  My days, weeks and month fly by.  I feel useful, busy and worthwhile.  I appreciate my down time- not that there is any. 

But when it comes to me, I don't wanna.  Tai chi, as much as I like it and it helped, discourages me.  I don't like that it isn't something you can master.  I don't like that there is no end in sight.  Give me a 10 week course, no problem.  I will be there.  But leave it open ended, and tell me that it is a good thing that I will be there in 10 more years, and I am outtie.  I know, for some people, that is the ultimate.  It is the constant challenge of besting yourself, improving, driving yourself forward.  That's not me.

I want need to be the best, at everything I do.  Everything.  When I read, I have to be the fastest, and understand everything at a level that other's might not see.  When I create- knitting, painting, writing- I need to know that people love what I do, and that I am good at it.  Even my dog has to be the best.  I am a little amazed that I have stuck with the training though.  Axle and I kicked ass in the first part of the training.  The second half, however, we are getting our asses whomped.  He is the best dog I have ever had, and I have the ultimate faith in him.  Maybe that's why I haven't quit. 

And that's what has me thinking- am I a quitter?  Or a realist?  If I am not the best at something, and it doesn't happen immediately, then I usually quit.  So, am I a quitter, because I am not willing to stick it out, and work hard, and make it happen?  Or am I a realist, knowing that I haven't found my passion, my talent, and that I shouldn't waste anymore time on it?  That I should move on, and find my heart's desire?

Don't know.  Tired of thinking about it.  This entry was harder to write and it didn't work the way I wanted it to, so I'm stopping.

I quit.

Rosie N. Grey

The N stands for "non-commital".