|Sandy toes. My Sawyer Bean.|
I got pregnant with Sebastian right away. About a month after I stopped taking the pill. Easy as pie. Sawyer was a little more difficult. I should have known that she would always present a challenge to me. :)
We tried to have Sawyer for about 5- 5 1/2 years. We started talking about a new baby when Sebastian was about 18 months old, and Sawyer was born about 2 months before he turned 7. Long time. Now, granted through some of that, we thought we might have to put the kibosh on another baby. We didn't know what was up with Sebastian, and how much care he would need. We didn't think it would be fair to bring a new baby into a family where we simply didn't have the time for them. So, once we knew that Sebastian would have at least a little bit of independance, we decided to go for it. I was getting older (I was 28 when Sebastian was born), and I have always had "female difficulties." So I figured we were in for the long haul. I saw a specialist in St. Catharines for about 2 years- about 18 months longer than I should have. I had my miscarriage when I was with him.
That wasn't me.
After years of peeing on the stupid sticks, I finally had one that had 2 lines. FINALLY! In true Anita fashion, I took 3 more. All positive. I was happy, very happy. But I felt strange- not physically, but mentally. I didn't believe that it was true. I wanted to talk to a doctor. I didn't really want to tell anyone. Now, in hind sight, I think I knew it wasn't a keeper. Geoff had finally talked me into telling our families. I lost the baby about 4 days later.
I cried for days. I took 2 days off work- which is unheard of for me (at my last job, I went 14 years with 1 sick day.) I didn't want to talk to anyone, about anything. I truly wanted to be left totally alone. It was weeks before I could talk about it without crying.
Anyway, after that, we moved to McMaster and the good doctors there. They got to work, got me tested, got Geoff tested. When we finally got cooking, I started injecting myself every day. I would drive 45 minutes to 1 hour every morning, to Hamilton. I would give a blood sample, have an internal ultrasound, and then get my medication assignment for the day. Then I would drive 45 minutes to 1 hour back, and start work. And I did all of this with no one but Geoff knowing. I ended up telling my mother after a little while, because it was just too hard to keep the secret from everyone. I had to tell work something, because a couple of times I would hit traffic and be late for work. We did artificial insemination twice. The first time didn't take, because Geoff's "sample" wasn't viable. The second was our last attempt. We had maxed out all our benefits. I was physically and mentally exhausted. I was tired of this being everything in our lives. We already had Sebastian, who was and is fucking awesome. We had a family. We didn't need to do this. So, after this one last attempt, we were packing in the baby wagon, so to speak.
Of course, it worked.
|my sunshine girl|
It gave me no small amount of stress, when I thought about what we had done. I am not an overly religous person. But I do believe in a higher power. And I was worried about what might happen, if we were messing with God's plan. God obviously made it difficult for me to get pregnant for a reason. And we were fucking around with nature's plan. What if I gave birth to the next Hitler, the Hitler that nature tried to prevent? What if the baby was deformed, or handicapped? I knew I could handle that, with Sebastian- but is that fair to the baby???? You can see how my thoughts went.
As it is, she's perfect. Uber-perfect. The second love of my life. I think she is also destined to be my arch-nemisis, but that's for another day.
My birth experience with her was everything I had ever hoped and wished for. It was everything that Sebastian's birth wasn't. It was natural and wonderful and messy and loud. I wasn't ashamed or inhibited. I owned it. I have never done anything before or since that made me feel so fully powerful. It is a memory I will treasure for the rest of my life.
|Daddy and daughter|
The N stands for noodlebug.