"Change, when it comes, cracks everything open."
Dorothy Allen

Saturday, April 2, 2011

I'm back.

Hey everyone.  I know, I know, it's been a while.  I apologize.  But most of you know what has been going on, and how I have been spending my time.

First and foremost, my father-in-law, Kit.  He's ill, very ill.  It was a shock to (most) everyone, and we are all trying to deal with the fall out.  He is still in the hospital, and they are still doing tests, to try and figure out the full extent of his cancer, and then determine how best to proceed. 

Of course, it has been absolutely horrible.  So scary and intimidating and heartbreaking.  It has been so hard on his kids and wife.  It is hard for his brothers and sisters and their wives and husbands and kids, and nieces and nephews and grandkids and friends and acquaintances.  And me. 

Kit and I have always gotten along well.  He makes me laugh in alot of ways.  I see so much of him in Geoff- the dramatic pauses in story telling, the drawn out explanations, the expanse of useless information stored in his brain.  The love for his family both near and far, and his love of life.  He and I have always been able to talk about books and movies, and travel and work, and prety much anything.

The other night, Sunday, the day all of our lives changed forever.  As we were leaving at the end of a long day, I hugged him.  He called me "his other daughter."  That meant so much.  He said he loved me.  I told him not to leave us, we still need him here. 

I have been trying to talk to the kids, to explain what is happening with Grandpa.  To prepare them for what may come.  One of Sebastian's first questions was "what do we do?"  I told him that we can pray.  So every night, after our regular nightly prayer, he says a prayer for Grandpa.  To help him feel better, and to be happy, and to keep him with us, as long as he can.  Trying to explain life and death and the finality of everything to a 9 year old with autism is a never-ending process. As hard as it was to see Gage and Roan, sobbing and clinging to their Grandpa, Geoff and I was jealous of that.  Sebastian doesn't get this.  We keep talking, and trying to make him understand.  It will be a process in repeating and consistancy.  And repeating.  And repeating.  *sigh*  I know it's hard on Geoff, to talk about his dad, so I do it. 

I have also gone back to work.  I was off on Monday, because I was so physically and mentally exhausted, I couldn't function.  But on Tuesday, it was buisness as usual.  I knew it would be hard.  It is so difficult to be there, working and trying to meet all my deadlines (which are getting more and more agressive), and to be professional and positive and social.  All I want to do is be home or at the hospital, with family.  I feel overwhelming guilt.  One of the hardest things is to realize that life doesn't stop.  It keeps going.  I still have to give the kids' baths, and cook dinner.   I have to grocery shop and pay bills.  I have to get my taxes ready, and work on my budget.  I have to walk the dog and clean the house.  And I feel guilty, each and every time I do something normal. 


Another thing going on is Sebastian is in therapy full time (well, as full as we can handle).  He goes 3 half days a week, plus another hour a week of OT.  He has been doing really well.  He really seems to like the therapy, he has alot of fun, and always comes out smiling and bouncy.  We have started to see some differences.  Yesterday, he watched the BEE movie at school.  Last night, on a drive, he started telling me about the movie.  It was pretty basic, but it was probably the first time he has every really told me about a movie, and not just a single scene or a person.  What a breakthrough.  He has been doing pretty well keeping his room clean, and has been getting dressed by himself.  He can open his own milk container and pour a drink and put the straw in his juice box.  These all probably seem like little things, but to us, they are huge.  He is 9, so it is difficult for him to change.  The fact that after only 3 weeks he is making improvements...that makes it worth every single cent.

The last big part of my life right now is work.  Oh, work.  The backlog we are working is still there.  We are in the final stretch, with our deadline of April 21.  So it is 3 more weeks of overtime and long days and nights.  Then, hopefully, a break.   Me and the entire team are frigging exhausted.  But everyone is doing great.  Thursday, one of the team members pulled me aside and told me how proud she was of me.  She listed off all of these amazing things that she thought about me.  It was such a surprise and such a nice thing to do, and at exactly the right minute.  I had a couple of pep talks that day, from the Big Big Boss Man, to my peers.  To all of you that are holding me up right now, thank you.  It means more than you will ever know.  You guys are part of the reason that I can get up in the morning and function all day long.  <3 <3

I had applied for a new job, but didn't get it.  I apparently had a really strong interview, but one of my answers wasn't as strong as it could have been.  I knew when I was answering that it was a crappy answer.  Good to learn from.  I know that everything happens for a reason.  So, for the time being, I am in limbo, and will just keep on keeping on.  I just do my job, and do it the best I can.

So, speaking of work, I have to get down to it.  It's 2pm, and time to work.  Wish me luck.

Thanks everyone, it's good to be back.

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "new beginnings, never giving up."

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