I wanted to write you a letter. I feel I owe you an explantion and an apology.
I love my friends. You are all amazing. You are all so different and unique, but each of you brings something to the table of my life, something I was missing, or needing. You teach me new things, make me experience new opportunities, introduce me to new people that I might never have met, if not for you.
You make me laugh, and sometimes cry. When you are hurting, I hurt. You are so funny though, that sometimes you make my face and stomach hurt when I laugh. Sometimes you make me mad, but I get over it, because, like family, you guys are all a part of my life and my heart. You make my heart happy. I am not lonely around you. I feel like a part of the cool crowd, you make me feel accepted and loved.
Sometimes, I don't see you as often as I want. I should change that. I miss you when you aren't around. I might not say it, but I think about you and I wonder if you are ok. I wonder what you are doing, and what is going on in your life. I wonder if you are thinking about me. I talk about you to Geoff, and I stalk your Facebook page.
I know it's my fault. I don't call to chat. It's just not in me, I don't know why. I used to talk on the phone for hours when I was in high school. I think, sometimes I am really self concious, because I don't know if anything that I have to say is interesting enough for you to listen to. I should call, I know it. If I text you, it's because I feel like talking, but I don't want to call. I don't want to bug you, I don't want to be weird. But I know I am.
I want to say that I am sorry that I don't tell you all my secrets. It's not that I don't trust you. I do. But I worry that I whine too much. I worry that I am monopolizing your time. I worry that if I am not funny and friendly, and if I am negative and mopey that I won't be fun to be around. I also worry that if I start, I won't stop. I don't want you to see me crying. I know you probably have, but I feel funny about that. I want to be there for you, I want to be level headed and be able to help. But I am scared that I am too crazy for you.
So, when we are together, and there is a pause, know that I am thinking about something. Something that I want to say. But I probably won't. And that's not your fault, it's mine. I'm so sorry.
I want to be friends with you forever. I want us to grow up and old together. I want us to be family.
I love it when you hug me when we see each other. If that's your thing. I love it when we sit and have beers together. I love it when you send me random texts about weird things that you see. I love that you talk to me about your husband and kids and tell me what's going on in your head. I love it when we can talk about movies. I love playing bingo with you. You intimidate me with how smart you are, so I am inspired to try and be better.
I get a funny stomach flip, every time you call me your friend. And I cried, when you called me your best friend.
I am vowing to try and be a better friend to you. You deserve it.
p.s. I know I didn't mention names. As much as I want to, I can't. But if you think I am talking about you, or something sounds familiar, rest assured...it is you that I am talking about. You are my friend. You.