"Change, when it comes, cracks everything open."
Dorothy Allen

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Keep Calm and Carry On

Thanks to Ruby for helping me name this post. <3  Much love.

I saw that phrase for the first time at Fan Expo this year.  Tons and tons of mottos, all starting with "Keep Calm and...."  I saw everything from "Keep calm and carry a wand" to "Keep calm and ride a unicorn".  Yeah, people are crazy.

I like the original and the idea behind it, and if you want to know what it's all about, check it out here. But for me, it's been my motto for the last little while.


Last week, Sebastian had his echocardiogram at McMaster.  His first is chronicled in my blog.  Because he woke up and fought the procedure, they wanted to do another with him completely sedated.  It took us this long - 10 months- to get the appointment. 

We got called 2 days before hand with an appointment at the last minute.  As we found out, that appointment time was wrong.  We were told a 1pm appointment time, with him having to be at the hospital by 12noon.  In reality the appointment was for noon, and he was supposed to be at the hospital by 10:30am. 

Because the timeframe was so short, Geoff had to take him on his own, since I couldn't get the time off work.  So, he and Geoff left the house about 10:30.  I got a call at 11:40, asking where we were.  Didn't we know we had an appointment?  *sigh*

Luckily, Geoff was just walking up the hall as they called me, so they managed to get him in, just a little bit behind. 

Geoff got to experience, first hand, the pain and sorrow of watching your son restrained and drugged.  I think he has a new appreciation for what I have done with Sebastian in the past.  He also got to experience the lovely time we have when Sebastian comes out of anesthetic, fighting and crying.  Bastian managed to rip his I.V out of his hand, and bled quite a bit.  The kid is fast and strong.   It is startling, when you aren't used to it, and even when you are.

All in all, he did very well, and Geoff managed like a trooper.  And we got our results.

Sebastian has a hole in his heart.

The doctor has said that it has been there since birth.  It's small.  He does have the leaky valve as well.  There isn't any enlargement of his heart (either condition can cause it, on their own, so I am thinking we are specially blessed, since he has both).  We don't need to medicate him right now, or talk about surgery.  Blessed.  We are blessed.

We do have to monitor it regularily.  That means an annual trip to McMaster, to do this again. It means vigilance when it comes to his physical condition.  No blue lips, no grey skin. 

Geoff told me the news when he got home and we were on our way to get a special treat for Sebastian for being so good.  We haven't talked about it to each other since.  In my case, it's because I find it hard to talk and think about.  I think it is probably the same for him.  We are digesting.

That night, I went for a walk with the dog.  I pulled up my hoodie and plugged in my iPod and walked.  And cried.  I allowed myself, for a  brief, few, precious moments to mourn.  Because I know I won't be able to, again.  Now, it's about strength and being positive. I'm not allowed to be sad about it, or at least, not to let people know I am sad. I can't stand the judgment, and the lectures.

But then, it was about being sad.  It was about owning it.  About letting all of those horrible thoughts come flooding in, the ones that dance around the edges of my conciousness, that I don't normally acknowledge or entertain.  It was about honestly thinking about my, his, our future- the tests, the anxiety, the prayers that I don't ever see a change for the worse.  I owned it.  I made it a part of me, so that I can control it.

And soon, I was thinking about what to do next.  What my new reality was.  God, it would be a blessing in itself to stop having to do that. 

When I came home, I was hollowed out.  I was cleaned out and dry.  I could face having the conversations that I needed to have- with my parents, and my in-laws.  The one with Geoff, that still hasn't come.  I found my brave face, and put it on. 

So, there it is.  And I am doing what I do best- keep calm and carry on.

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for " 'nuff is enuff."

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