"Change, when it comes, cracks everything open."
Dorothy Allen

Monday, March 12, 2012


Today, I have this ringing in my head.  It's a quote from Jillian Michaels:

"Today, I want you to ask yourself this one question. 
"Why not you?"
Why not you to do something for work that you love?
Why not you to have a healthy body?
Why not you to have a healthy love?
Why not you to be, have or do anything you have ever dreamed of?
We are so quick to think others are deserving over ourselves. 
The truth is that we are all deserving.
So why not you?"

Today was trying and difficult.  Today, I felt anger, verging on rage, until I tamped it down with reason and patience.  Today, I wanted to quit my job. 

Today, I was tired and worn out.  I questioned everything and had difficulty being motivated.

But then, I got a little inspired.  Someone asked me to knit something for them.  Something I haven't knitted in years.  And they are willing to pay me, shock of shocks.

Today, I actually took some time and read through my list of favorite blogs.  Here, and here, and here and here.  While they make me jealous some of the time, with their babies and nature and gardens and sewing, they are also soothing and inspiring.

And once again, I am in a world of confusion.  I am having trouble reconciling how I spend the vast majority of my day with how I want to be living my LIFE.  I don't know how to get there.  Some days it makes me sad. 

So, I take the little pieces of happiness as I can get them.

- a family dinner with my in-laws on a sunny March Sunday
- Sawyer and her Bear Family game.  She calls me Momma Bear, and asks me to build her caves to keep her nice in warm.  I call her Baby Bear and build her all the caves she wants.
- knitting for fun and (hopefully) profit
- opening all the windows in my house to air it out
- cleaning, and having it stay clean for more than a day
- chocolate flavoured protein powder
- Sebastian's giggle fits
- sleeping...really sleeping.  Dreaming and relaxing.  Waking up refreshed and not exhausted.
- Plans for March Break.
- the dog's sleepy sighs and couch hogging.  I try to work and he tries to push me off his spot.  Subtly, without malice.
- garlic mayo, homemade.

These are good things, happy things, and I hold them to me.  They help me deal with the bad, the mundane, the day to day. 

I read my sister in law's blog today.  I resonated with me and vocalized something that has been playing in my head and my heart for quite some time.  I am torn, and like she so eloquently put it, longing and confused.  But that's a blog for another time.

But I need a bigger plan.  A better plan. 
Because, like Jillian says, up above...why not me?  Why not?

I don't mean for this to sound angry or melancholy.  It really is just representative of what my normal day is...a mixture of good and bad, joy and pain, anger and euphoria.  Is everyone like that?  What is an even keel like?

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "now, on with the show."

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