Welcome back. All good? Been crying a bit? A little choked up? Welcome to my world.
Both my kids love, love, love Katy Perry, or as she is known in my house, Kerry Perry (rhyming words are way more fun.) Katy Perry sings a song called Fireworks. To me, this song is no more or no less that the anthem for autism.
I listen to this song all the time- Sebastian loves it because it is in Madagasar 3, one of his favourite movies, and Sawyer and I have dance parties to this song all the fricking time. We usually have our best dance parties before a big cleaning binge.
The problem is that I can't listen to this song without crying. Really, I can't. Pretty much every time, unless it is the 4th or 5th time in a row that I have heard it. I cry, every single time. I can't listen to the words, and I can't sing along, without thinking about my son.
My life is pretty fricking great. I have a lot of amazing things going on. But the relationship I have with Sebastian, me as his mom, him as my son, me as an advocate, him as a boy with autism- very few people can understand that. My parents are probably closest, since they watch him a great deal, but even then, they aren't there every day. They tend to get information secondhand, when I tell them I have this great idea to try GFCF diets, and to put him in private school. They support me, they empathize with me, but at the end of the day, they get to go home. I live a life only a few people know, and each of us autism parent walks our own path. None of them are the same. We all travel a road, overgrown with brambles and weeds, with glimpses of sunlight periodically available through the leaves. If you are lucky, sometimes there is someone available to help you walk, to hold your elbow when you stumble, someone to lend you a hand up, when you lay down. Sometimes you are tired, and really don't want to keep walking. A good partner will help you keep going. And sometimes, that good partner will help you detour a bit...take you off the path, and into that clearing in the woods. You know the place- the sun shines there. There is a breeze, that smells like clover and spring time, that moves the sweaty hair off your forehead and puts a small smile on your face. It is a respite, a breaking place. A place to catch your breath, to rest your feet. A place to let you look somewhere else, somewhere that isn't the next footstep in front of you. Soon enough, you will be back on your path. Soon enough. But for now, enjoy.
But at the end of the day, there is Firework. There is Katy Perry.
"You don't have to feel like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow
Maybe you're reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road."
Judge all you want. This song was written for Sebastian. I will believe that, to my dying day.
I love my little firework. Me and him, against the world.
The N stands for "never underestimate my son".