So, I am thinking about the new year.
My sister-in-law posted in her blog about an interesting concept, where you don't take on new projects or resolutions, but let go of the old, the tiresome, by burning it and sending it into the ashes. I am intrigued by this, but not sure if I am ready for that.
I see this new year as an opportunity. There is so much I need to change, that I need to do, that I want to do.
I have been living, for quite some time now, day to day. I have been making no plans, other than how this month's bills will be paid, and what I can do to help make today and tomorrow good and better for my family. I go to work, but have no pleasure in it. I get through my day- exactly that, I get through it. I don't live it, I don't revel in it. And I need that to stop.
I know I have to start planning. I need to figure out what I want to do. I can't keep going the way I am. I don't mean that I am going to quit my job, far from it. I just need to know what I am working towards. Where do I want to be? What do I want to do? Accenture is a part of my life, for now, and for the next few years, at least. Maybe even forever. But it can't be the soul of my existance. It needs to be the means to an end, not the end itself.
So, what do I want? I want to knit. I want to create. I am going to create an Etsy account, and try to sell- first the Cracked Lens stuff, then my own stuff. I have a million ideas, and I would like to be able to enact on them. We are going to take pictures of kids and families. I have ideas for networking, and promoting.
I want to move. I love my house, but I really want a farm. Just a small, hobby farm. I know that is years and years away, but I want to start planning. I want something to look forward to. But I don't want to be holding on for a dream- I need to start making my home now reflect what I want.
I want to move towards financial independance. I want to reduce my debts. There really isn't much, other than a credit card and my mortgage. It's the mortgage. I really haven't ever given much thought to paying down my mortgage faster. I know, I know, that sounds ridiculous, but it's true. I have basically accepted that it was something I was going to be paying from now until whenever. But I think and think and think...what if I went crazy and really really tried to get rid of it? Could I have it paid off in 10 years? 7 years? 5 years?? That one is hard, since it would require buy in from Geoff and a complete shift in how I think and spend my money. But I am thinking about it.
I want to embrace nature. I want to spend my time outdoors. I want my kids to do the same. I want my children to be able name trees and flowers and animals and birds. I got a book from Holly for Christmas, that I had asked for, "Above all, be kind." In the book, she speaks of building reverence in your children. When a child learns and feels reverence for nature and the Earth, they have no other choice than to move towards a respect for nature, and through that respect, make good, kind, responsible choices. I want, I need to start building that reverence.
I need to re-connect. For quite some time now, I have felt disconnected- from my work, from the world, from my friends. I have trouble understanding other people's lives, just as I am sure they have trouble understanding mine. I know I probably seem strange and my priorities are very different from theirs. I feel like we sometimes move in completely different worlds. I have trouble relating, and sometimes, I am just tired and I don't want to try.
But these are my issues, not theirs. I love them all, and what they bring to my life. I would be lost without them. I need to make sure that they know that. I need to balance that part of my life better. For those of you reading this- I am sorry. I will do better. Be patient with me, if you can. :)
So, not exactly resolutions. But I think these are things that need to happen, to keep me human. I need to have meaning in my life. Life is not money. Life is not my job. I need to remember that, I need to find passion and belief and drive and harmony and love. What makes life worth living? I am figuring that out, moving towards it with all the strength of my conviction.
What better time to do that, then the new year. :)
Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "new year".