"Change, when it comes, cracks everything open."
Dorothy Allen

Monday, January 2, 2012

Happy New Year

Happy new year to everyone out there. Hope your celebration was just what you wanted and needed. Mine was very low-key, as it is most years. Joel and Carrie and the kids came over for Chinese food, presents and snacks. Since we had been to Michelle and Kevin's the night before for yumminess and deliciousness, we weren't really interested in any spirits. I had a glass of wine and that was it.
The kids played great together and we finally got them to settle down around 11ish. As soon as they sat still for longer than 5 minutes, and the lights were turned low, out they went. Joel wasn't too far behind, but we all made it to midnight- barely. Still a nice night, and a good way to ring in a new year.
The previous night we spent with friends. It was very nice. Alcohol, snacks and fun games were the order of the night. Michelle and Kevin have such a beautiful home, I love being there. I feel very at home, but I love the knickknacks and personal touches they have throughout. I am a wee bit jealous, as I am of most of my friends homes. It makes me sad to return to my hovel somedays. Most times, it just inspires me to change and do better. So thanks guys!!

Yesterday, I claimed a day of rest. I literally stayed in my pjs all day. I laid around and read, had a hot bath and read some more. One of my resolutions was to try and clean up some of the loose ends in my life. I have alot of books that have been lent to me by others, so I have started reading and finishing those. I have finished 3 (thanks to Barb, Michelle and Lynn for the loans- I enjoyed all 3!!) and have 1 more that I can think of (Dawn- I am working on it, will have it to you soon!) If you loaned me a book and you aren't mentioned here, remind me, I might have forgotten! I played with the kids and did puzzles, played tag, and follow the leader. I made a yummy dinner entirely of left overs (it was basically a turkey dinner in a pie dish- AWESOME!) Did some laundry and dishes, etc. Geoff and I watched some Supernatural at night (almost through Season 6!) and I finished knitting one hat and moved to the next. They are for Joel and Carrie's kids for Christmas, so a little late, but I think they will be awesome, so late is ok. :)

My grandma used to say something about what you did on New Year's Eve or New Year's day was what your year would be like. That would be nice. Good friends, good food, a little work, a little leisure, a relatively clean house, happy and healthy children- yeah I could take that.

I have seen alot of comments about how horrible 2011 was and how happy people are to see it go. I get that. I understand, but it really isn't a sentiment that I express myself. To me, it goes along the lines of wishing time away, which I have already talked about in the past. I don't like to do that. So yes, there was some bad and horrible stuff in 2011. We lost Kit, we found out about Sebastian's heart problems, Geoff stopped working, Cracked Lens failed, I have grown apart from some friends, etc, etc. Bad stuff. But stuff I have and keep dealing with.
But I can't help thinking of the good things. We found out about Sebastian's heart problem, so he isn't going to "John Ritter" me in 10, 20, 30 years. We started taking different pictures. Sawyer is growing into an amazing young girl. We had an awesome White Trash Party. I grew closer to people that I wanted to know better. I started knitting and reading again. I have found some amazing blogs, which inspire me daily. Sebastian started Brick by Brick therapy and his meds. I had my first vacation in about 6 years. And so on and so on.

I have done things that I am not proud of. I lived the 2nd half of the year in pretty much a fog of negativity, particularily at work and not a little bit at home. I allowed others to impact my mood and attitude. I was bitter and resentful, and not a very nice person to be around alot of the time. I am trying to change that. It is one of my resolutions and one that I will be asking for help with. I will need it, for sure.

But still, I didn't hate 2011. It brought it's own joys and treasures. I have grown stronger in some ways, and softer in others. It was another opportunity for me to improve and learn. If I did that enough or not, that is entirely up to me.

2012 is a chance to start fresh. To try and change and add and subtract.

I was off work today, my last day of vacation. I am trying very hard not to be depressed about going to work tomorrow, but trying to look forward to getting back into a routine. I am looking forward to talking to my friends at work, hearing about their holidays. I am looking forward to the comraderie that comes with being in the workplace. I am looking forward to my morning coffee and my drive in. I want to make changes, to the way I work, and the way I interact with my co-workers. My one boss made me crazy and ruined alot of my days. My determination, 90% of my focus, is to not allow that to happen. To find ways to change myself to deal with him more effectively. To not be angry and to anger him. To make it work, or find new ways to work around him. Mostly, I want to have good days at work, more than I have bad days.

Today, the 2nd day of the new year was a bit harder than the first. I packed up the last of the Christmas stuff. Did a bit more laundry and a bit more cleaning. I had forgotten about Sebastian's therapy, so he was late, but everyone seemed ok. Cleaned up the outside, added more seed to the bird feeders and even found another feeder in the garage to put out. I picked up Sebastian from therapy and got some flour to make him his gluten free bread. Made dinner for the kids, cleaned up and then baths. Then I logged onto Facebook.

Facebook is my downfall. I hate it. I should close my account. Most times, I either waste tons of time on it, doing nothing when I should be doing something, or it makes me feel bad, because of what I read and see. Tonight was a feel bad night. After all the good stuff I had done today, all it takes is a couple of pictures for me to start questioning myself. What's wrong with me? Why don't they like me? Why did they lie? Why don't they answer? What did I do? Am I a bad person? So on and so on and so on.

I know I have self esteem issues. Honestly, I am always kind of amazed when people want to be friends and want to hear what I have to say. I think I am kinda boring, but sometimes, people seem to think I am fun! LOL...what a shocker!

But all it takes is that one little thing, the trigger, to open the door to all the bad stuff.

Second day of the year, and it is already hard to keep my resolutions. It's hard to be positive, when you are trying to figure out why people don't like you.

Anyway, I will keep at it, plugging away. And as I move forward through the days and weeks ahead, I hope I can keep in mind that I need to surround myself with light and life, laughs and love. Everyone and everything else doesn't matter. Including Facebook. :)

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for New year, new day, new attitude.


  1. I happen to love you actually and consider you one of my best friends :) just thinking about you feeling sad makes me sad honey. I often do the same thing, we can't help it really, it's natural, but I'm right there with you. This year I'm going to try harder not to let my own issues drive me mental ;) xxoo

  2. I think we should make a deal to help each other deal! Deal? LOL

    Love you too...I hope you know that.