"Change, when it comes, cracks everything open."
Dorothy Allen

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Conversations with God

There has been a weird trend in my life lately.  For some reasons, people around me have been talking about talking to God.  I guess you would call it praying. 

Someone I know has been having a difficult couple of years.  Job loss, sick children, general unhappiness.  They have mentioned how they talk to God, asking God why this would happen.  It's strange in the fact that this person is not at all religious.  Honestly,  I didn't even think that they believed.  Like, not at all.  And yet, this person, who is not religious and not a believer, fully blames God for the bad situation they are in. 

Who knows?  Maybe he is. 

That is just one circumstance.  I can think of at least 2 other conversations over the last couple of months, where similar situations have been discussed.

All of these conversations have made me think.  It has made me think of my own conversations with the Great Wide Open.  Conversations that, for the most part, I don't think I am really concious of having. 

Most of the people I have talked to have been bitter and angry. In a bad place.  They are also relatively new to this whole, talking to God thing. 

At first, I was surprised, sometimes, at their anger, and venom.  I couldn't understand it.  Sure, I understand the talking and bargaining with God.  I get that.  What I couldn't understand was why they were so angry and I wasn't. 

It was then that I realized, it is because I am further along in the process than they are.  I have been talking to God for a long, long time.

9 years, in fact. 

See, I talk to God about Sebastian.  That started when he was about 8 months old. I talked and pleaded, bargained, railed, cried, begged, offered and ignored.  You name it, I did it.  And still do. 
I talked to God, about Sawyer, before I knew she was Sawyer.  We tried for 5 years, and I did alot of talking through all of that. Again, it was tears, and self pity.  I expressed my bitterness and sense of betrayal.  Finally, I got to (and remembered to) express my gratitude.
I am an old hat at this.  After almost a decade, the bitterness rubs smooth.  The rough edges soften.  The anger changes into new emotions. 

I don't know if this post makes much sense.  But it has been rattling in my head for a while now.  I wanted to write it down, I just don't know if it came out right. 

But to you, my nearest and dearest, to all of you having your own conversations with whatever and whomever it is that you are talking to, and to all of you that have stopped talking altogether, try and take comfort.  I can't help you, but I do understand.  I have been there, and am still there.  And if you can't talk to Him, you can talk to me. 

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "never believe no one listening".

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