"Change, when it comes, cracks everything open."
Dorothy Allen

Thursday, November 25, 2010

I have needs, damnit!

I have been feeling needful lately.  I don't know what it is.  It happens, from time to time.  This ache in my heart and my gut and my head.  Something is missing in my life, or at least, there is something I need to think about and come to terms with.

I can  usually pin it down to something specific fairly quickly.  Before Sawyer came, it was that hollow ache under my heart, every time I saw a pregnant woman, or heard a baby laugh.  Before I got Axle, it was looking at the Humane Society pages, and trying to imagine each dog and how they would look in my home. 

I have had other aches too, but some are too personal and I won't get into them here.  No, not that, you dirty pervs.  Gross.

But now, I am just "needing" in general.  I feel restless, but tired.  My mind races a mile a minute, but I can't concentrate or focus on anything.  I am generally happy, but I feel drained like I do after a big cry.  I wish I knew what was going on.

I went to a baby shower on Sunday.  It was wonderful seeing all the little clothes, and toys and baby stuff.  Carrie and I were talking, and she agreed that seeing that stuff would send her into thinking about babies again.  I thought about that too.  I don't think that's it.  Think.  But maybe.  I know Geoff doesn't want anymore, and really, we are perfectly a-ok, 100% good as we are.  But what if....what if.....

But I don't think that's it.

There is a beautiful dog on the Niagara Falls Humane Society's site up for adoption.  Her name is Gemma.  It's a sign, I think.  Gemma is one of my favorite characters on Sons of Anarchy.  And when Val and I were talking about the show, she remarked how much she liked the name.  She said "your next baby needs to be named Gemma".  I agreed.  Now I am wondering if that baby needs to be a furry one.  But I hesitate.  Axle is so good, and so amazing with the kids.  Geoff raised a good point- am I willing to roll the dice and gamble that we get another dog as good as he is?  Or did we make him good through our love and my training? (yeah right!)  Hmmmm...I am hesitant....

Acquaintances of ours have just experienced a big move.  She got a job in Iqaluit, Nunavut.  Yeah, waaaaaay up north.  I am not ashamed to say..I am reeking of jealousy.  I used to dream of going north.  Back then, it was the Yukon.  That's originally why I went to school for Fish and Wildlife Technology.  I was fucking out of here.  I wanted wild.  I watch "Into the Wild" and read the book and it speaks to me, so deeply.

Now, I know, it's never going to happen for me.  Any moves I make, I have to take my family into account.  Sebastian needs very specialized support, and that HAS to be my number 1 priority.  But I still dream- literally.  I dreamt a couple of weeks ago (and I am sure it was reading the blogs of the couple that was moving that prompted me to dream it) about living in a little log cabin.  Of shotguns, horses and dogs.  Of pine trees, and biting cold, and fishing lines.  I woke up with my hand over my eyes, and tears on my cheeks.  What might have been, I guess. 

I have been running.  Running and running and getting no where.  I am not dropping any weight, not really.  I am trying to be consistent, but it's hard.  To run in the morning, I have to be up at 5am.  To run at night means I am up until 1am.  And now that it's cold and wet, it is so hard to be motivated.  Especially when the results just aren't there.  But I keep trying.  I see people, people that look and act and dress the way I want to be...and I try.  But there are the needs..way deep down...one tells me to keep going.  The other tells me I need to give up.  So hard. 

So, what do I need?  I don't know.  I will keep soul searching, and looking for the signs I believe in, to help direct my way.  For now, Sawyer is crying in her sleep, and she needs me. 

That'll do.

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "needs".

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