"Change, when it comes, cracks everything open."
Dorothy Allen

Friday, October 29, 2010

Love, Lust and Friendship

Today, I heard some news.  Sad news.  About people that I care about.  Good friends.

A relationship is in trouble, and that is never a good thing.  While both of them are fine (actually, I only talked to her, not to him, but he's like Geoff- unflappable, so I am sure he seems fine, even if he happened to be broken inside) the whole situation is sad and fucked up. 

It makes me think.  About relationship in general, and about mine specifically. 

In general, I think I know a couple of happy couples.  Barb and Bill for one, Joel and Carrie for another, Kurt and Amber for a third.  Each of them seem genuinely happy with each other.  All of them have been married for alot of years, at least 9 or 10, and they are all still in love.  They set great examples. 

Barb and Bill have the best routines, and traditions.  They bet each other over ridiculous things, and truly enjoy the bragging rights of winning.  They understand each other so well, that Bill will cut people off, before they tell a story that would upset Barb (she can't stand to hear about people being cruel to animals).  They have inside jokes, they are perfectly happy and comfortable in each other's company, they can get drunk together, and they laugh all the time. They call each other "Shane" and the story behind it is awesome and sweet.  I know everyone has their ups and downs, and I am sure they have them too.  But they are the classic case of opposites attracting, and then once you see them together, you see how truly perfect they are together.  I would be shocked to the core if they ever split up.

Joel and Carrie
Joel and Carrie are another couple that sets a great example.  They have 2 beautiful kids, and are pretty much up for anything, anytime.  Carrie is soft spoken, but warm and genuine and funny.  She can also drink me under the table.  Which I love in a girl!  Joel we have known for about FOREVER, and he has truly found his match in Carrie.  They are warm and affectionate together.  If he sits in front of her, she plays with his hair.  When they are lounging on the couch, he will rub her arm or leg.  They do for each other constantly, and seem to be on the same page with just about everything. 

A truly crappy picture of Kurt and Amber
Kurt and Amber- well, they are some of the best people I know.  Amber has health issues, and Kurt has ALWAYS been there for her.  She, in turn, has supported him through everything- all his schooling, moves all over the country, and his ups and downs in his career.  They, too, are super affectionate, and totally in love.  They are inspiring.

So, what does that tell me?  It tells me that love, true love, is possible.  It exists.  And people have found it.  Even after the babies come, and it is suddenly 10 years later, and you are still seeing that same person across the breakfast table- love is still there.  And that is a big fucking deal. 

So what about me?  What have I got?  Well, obviously, I am not going to get into the gory details of the goods and bad of my relationship on here.  My mother reads this blog, for Christ sake. But here's what I know.

- Geoff can drive me crazy, absolutely fucking bananas, in the span of about 30 seconds.
- I care about what he thinks about- about the world in general and about me specifically.
- I think he needs to improve in certain areas (read house and yard work) but after 12 years with little progress, I still remain hopeful.
- I know him pretty well, but sometimes he surprises me. 
- I wish we talked more.  You know, "talked".  Like about things that I haven't given birth to.
- There have been times in my life that I have been mad enough to hit him.  I might, might, have actually taken a swing.  But never connected.
- I am an extremely jealous person.  I try to hide it, but he always knows.  And pretends he doesn't. 
- He says "like" too much.  As in " So I'm like "dude what's up?" and he's like "dude, not much".  And I'm like....".  And once I notice it, I can't NOT notice it.  And it makes me insane.
- His laugh, when he gets laughing really hard, is absolutely ridiculous.  It's like a grand mal seizure.
- He can't be wrong.  He corrects everything.  And I hate it when he corrects me and he's right.
- I usually win in the gift giving category.  I rock the house.  And he never believes me when I tell him not to get me anything.
- He hates my dog.  But pretends not to, for my sake.
- He always gets to sleep in on the weekends.  Even  when it's my turn, somehow, he still gets to sleep in.
- He's good to my parents. 
- He takes good photos. And is getting better at it every day.
- He believes he can't cook.  Everytime he makes a meal, he assumes I hate it, because he did a crappy job. But he is acutally an awesome cook.
- He never spits.  Which I love.
- He is always my designated driver.  Even when he didn't come out with me.  Even when I don't know where I am, just that the street is named after a movie.  (It was Highlander Street in Queenston.)
- He loves me, and tells me every day.  Even when I don't say it back. 
- I am not affectionate.  It makes me uncomfortable.  But I try to be, for him.

Where that leaves us is right here.  Together.  Still. 

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "near and dear".

Gore Whore

That's right.  I am a Gore Whore.  I love blood and guts and gore.  I think it started originally with my grandmother.  When my grandpa would go away for the weekend, fishing or whatever, she would come and stay with us.  We would rent the most horrible, cheesy B-movie horrors ever seen, and watch them all weekend in marathons sessions.  She loved them.  Both Adam and I are huge fans now, and I think that has a lot to do with it.

The first "grown up" book I ever read was "The Howling."  I think I was in Grade 4 (correct me if I'm wrong, mom).  I remember it was summer, my mom had just finished reading it, and I picked it up and just started reading.  I knew it was an adult book, and I thought I would get in trouble for reading it.  So I hid it from my mom for a while.  When she did finally figure out that I was reading it, I didn't get in trouble at all.  I think she was actually pretty surprised.  I was only about 9 years old, after all.   I remember understanding most of it.  There are some graphic sex parts in it, and I am pretty sure I really didn't understand much of that.  But I really liked the werewolves.  By the time I was in 8th grade, I was devouring Stephen King and anything else I could get my hands on.  My mom encouraged that, and we reccommended books often.  Still do.

I am still the same.  I turn to horror first, most of the time.  My photography company revolves around the idea of horror.  I get little shivery thrills when Rue Morgue rolls around.  Thank God for Bill, I get to actually watch scary movies at the movies sometimes, instead of having to always wait for video (since Geoff hates them and won't go watch.)

So, with all this, and my inherent love of all things Halloween, why do I not care this year?  I haven't decorated the house, I just bought my candy last night.  I couldn't force myself to dress up at work today, and I am not excited about this weekend at all.  I did like going to Sebastian's school today, and seeing his Halloween parade.  But other than that, I could take it or leave it.

Happy halloween times
I HATE that I feel this way.  I love holidays.  Everyone makes fun of me for it, but I don't care.  I don't want to be apathetic about holidays.  I want them to be events for the kids, things that they look forward to and have fun during, and talk about afterwards.  I want to create memories.  I don't want to be "that" person- that complains that Christmas is coming, that hates getting the valentine's ready, that doesn't hide eggs for thier kids, and that hides in the basement on Halloween night with the lights off.  I want to have fun and love every single minute of it.

But this year, I don't.  I don't know why.  It makes me sad.

Maybe I will change my mind.  Maybe next year will be better. 

I think some of it is the pressure I am feeling about the wedding coming up.  I am nervous, and I am at the stage where I am just wishing it was over.  I also get bitter about the fact that if I don't do it ("it" being decorating, carving pumpkins, buying candy, what have you), no one else will.  Because no one else cares.  And if they don't care, then why would I expect them to help?  Short answer is- I shouldn't.  But I do.  Unfair of me, I know, but there it is.  It scares me- because the people around me are not into the things that I am, I am worried that it kills the part of me that loves it, just a little bit, each year.  Each year, it gets harder and harder to care, and to work and to do the things I want to do.  Some day, I worry, that part will be gone.  And I just won't care at all anymore. 


The Gore Whore in me knows that this will get better.  It's just an off year.  But I wish I was on, I wish everything was great, and perfect and put together. 

I wish I loved Halloween more this year.

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "negative".

This was mine and Sebastian's contribution to a silent auction for a children's charity.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

What up, dog?

I realized that I haven't really blogged much about what is up and happening lately, so this is my catch up. 

Last week, Sebastian was supposed to have dental surgery.  Instead, we got to sit for 2 hours in a hospital waiting room, to find out that the anethetist thought he was too sick to proceed.  Whatever.  He was fine.  No runny nose, no coughing, nothing.  Oh, and did I mention the heart mumur?  Yeah, apparently, she heard a mumur, after a million other doctors (3 that week alone) hadn't heard.  But she did.

And she was weird.  She never looked me in the eye, but stared out the window.  It was kind of like when blind people look in your general direction but obviously don't meet your eyes.  Because they CAN'T. It was like that, but she's not blind.  Weirdo.

So, we are rebooked for November 18.  Which just happened to be the day that we were doing sleep cheap.  Which also got fucked up, so we didn't mind cancelling it anyway. 

Saturday, we did Pumpkinfest at Heartland Forest.  The kids went in costumes, and Sebastian's was literally falling to pieces.  Which sucked, because for once, he was super excited about it.  But I am super mom, and whipped out the needle and thread when we got home, and now it is better than ever.  Ready for trick or treating.

Surprisingly, I am still running.  I am on Week 3, after having repeated Week 1.  I got off track a bit when I went to Nerdfest, so I thought it would be good to do it again.  So far, I have run with cramps, with debilitating cramps in both calves and twice in the rain.  Last night I ran at 11 at night, in the rain.  I am so awesome.  I am gonna keep going...fingers crossed.

I finally finished the second season of the Sons of Anarchy.  I want to start watching Season 3 tonight, but had to wait for the kids to go to bed, since it really isn't appropriate for them to watch, at all.  I am so addicted to this show.  I really try not to reccommend shows to many people (Dawn is the exception, she likes everything I reccommend to her, and I usually love everything she reccommends to me.  I think it is because we are equally amazing. :) but I am telling EVERYONE to watch this show.  Opie is my favorite.  *sigh*

hmmmmm...what else is happening?  Sebastian's 9th birthday is coming up.  Have to figure out what we are gonna do and what to get him.  We are shooting the Halloween wedding this weekend.  We applied to be a vendor at the Wizard World Con again in March.  I have a couple new ideas for pictures.  I am doing a table at the artisan fair at work on November 26.  We are going to the Autism Ontario dinner dance on November 27.  I have an autism conference next week on Wed, Thur and Fri, in Toronto. We are thinking of going to Cleveland in December to see the Christmas Story house and the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

I can't think of much more.  Sebastian is good, so is Sawyer.  Got their outfits for their Christmas picture.  This year's colour is blue.  :)  fun times.

I still haven't bought candy for Halloween, or started my Christmas shopping.  I need to mail out the calendar someone bought from us, and I have to balance my books.  I have an exam on November 13, Adam''s birthday, and I can't remember how to study.

Other than that, I'm good.  What's new with you??

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "news of the day."


So everyone and their brother (or more likely sister) has blogged about Glee.  Especially after last night's episode.  I love Rocky Horror, and I don't know what I expected, but I think, sadly, it was more.  Don't get me wrong.  The show was great, and I am pulling out Rocky Horror tonight to watch the full thing.  I dunno...maybe I was just cranky.

Sue Sylvester, as always, makes it for me.  She is the fucking best.  Hilarious.  I would watch 4 hours of just her, talking. 

I do like that Rachel Berry is stepping back and it is more about the secondary characters.  And I liked that Emma Pillsbury did "Touch Me".

I can't believe I actually wrote this blog.  Wow.

P.S.  I miss Puck, where the frak is he?

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "neurosis".

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Homework sux!

I decided back in July, that it would be a really keen idea to take a college level course in Accounting.  I have the photography business, plus I am a financial analyst (sounds more impressive than it really is), so it can only help. 

But here I am, at the tail end of the course.  I acutally learned alot, but I have to finish two assignment and write an exam.  Blech.  I hate tests.  I never really learned how to study.  I have a good memory (at least I did, it seems to be getting worse as I get older) and I would always be able to recall just enough to do well on the test.  I was a solid B student through most of high school and college, and that was without studying and doing homework at the last minute.  If I had applied myself, who knows what I could have done?  Ah well. 

So, anyway, here is my second chance.  My chance to be organized and responsible.  And I find myself in the same situation.  I am only 1 assignment behind, which isn't too awful bad, except that they are all due on Monday.  So that means today is dedicated to homework.  And I have to plow through it as fast I can, because I also have a life, and kids, and I would like to spend my weekends doing things other than learning about bank reconiliations and FOB shipping vs FOB destination. 

I keep saying that I have to simplify my life.  I don't know how it got so busy.  I don't have time to do the things I love to do- like read, and knit, and just have fun and play.  If I do those things, I spend the entire time thinking about how I have a million other things that I HAVE to do. 

So, today, I cleaned the kitchen, did brekkie for the kids, fed the dog, filed some papers, prepped a shipment, cleaned the bathroom, and now- wrote a blog.  Now it's time for homework.  Wish me luck.

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for k "Nowledge".  (fuck off, the K is silent!)

Fade to Black

Have I mentioned that I hate faders?  Lately, it seems like everything I do, everywhere I go, people are bailing out. 

Not that I haven't done it myself.  I think everyone has had a time or two when they have committed to something that sounded like a great idea at the time, and then, when the time comes, it is the LAST thing in the world that you want to do.  I try and force myself to go because I know, in the end, I will probably end up having a really good time.  But sometimes, I just can't do it, and I pull a fade.

But, as a true hypocrite, I get frustrated when it happens to me. 

I don't really have much else to say about it. 

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "Ne'er do well".

Friday, October 22, 2010

a look in the mirror

Since she is crawling all over me- literally, she is riding on my back right now- I have decided to blog tonight about Sawyer.  Sebastian had his turn, now it's hers. 

Sandy toes.  My Sawyer Bean.

If Sebastian is my miracle baby, Sawyer is my million dollar baby.  Actually $7500.00 baby.  That is approximately how much it cost us to get her.  Granted, most of that was through our benefits and it doesn't include the mileage and gas that a daily ride to Hamilton takes, but it is a rough estimate.

I got pregnant with Sebastian right away.  About a month after I stopped taking the pill.  Easy as pie.  Sawyer was a little more difficult.  I should have known that she would always present a challenge to me. :) 

We tried to have Sawyer for about 5- 5 1/2 years.  We started talking about a new baby when Sebastian was about 18 months old, and Sawyer was born about 2 months before he turned 7.  Long time.  Now, granted through some of that, we thought we might have to put the kibosh on another baby.  We didn't know what was up with Sebastian, and how much care he would need.  We didn't think it would be fair to bring a new baby into a family where we simply didn't have the time for them.  So, once we knew that Sebastian would have at least a little bit of independance, we decided to go for it.  I was getting older (I was 28 when Sebastian was born), and I have always had "female difficulties."  So I figured we were in for the long haul.  I saw a specialist in St. Catharines for about 2 years- about 18 months longer than I should have.  I had my miscarriage when I was with him.

Now, I understand the physics and reasons behind miscarriages.  For some reason or another, most times, the baby isn't viable, and it is nature's way of taking care of business.  I have talked to women who have had miscarriages, and were very matter of fact about it.  Especially early on, they sometimes seem to be very accepting and have the ability to understand and move on.

That wasn't me.

After years of peeing on the stupid sticks, I finally had one that had 2 lines.  FINALLY!  In true Anita fashion, I took 3 more.  All positive.  I was happy, very happy.  But I felt strange- not physically, but mentally.  I didn't believe that it was true.  I wanted to talk to a doctor.  I didn't really want to tell anyone.  Now, in hind sight, I think I knew it wasn't a keeper.  Geoff had finally talked me into telling our families.  I lost the baby about 4 days later. 

I cried for days.  I took 2 days off work- which is unheard of for me (at my last job, I went 14 years with 1 sick day.)  I didn't want to talk to anyone, about anything.  I truly wanted to be left totally alone.  It was weeks before I could talk about it without crying.

Anyway, after that, we moved to McMaster and the good doctors there.  They got to work, got me tested, got Geoff tested.  When we finally got cooking, I started injecting myself every day.  I would drive 45 minutes to 1 hour every morning, to Hamilton.  I would give a blood sample, have an internal ultrasound, and then get my medication assignment for the day.  Then I would drive 45 minutes to 1 hour back, and start work.  And I did all of this with no one but Geoff knowing.  I ended up telling my mother after a little while, because it was just too hard to keep the secret from everyone.  I had to tell work something, because a couple of times I would hit traffic and be late for work.  We did artificial insemination twice.  The first time didn't take, because Geoff's "sample" wasn't viable.  The second was our last attempt.  We had maxed out all our benefits.  I was physically and mentally exhausted.  I was tired of this being everything in our lives.  We already had Sebastian, who was and is fucking awesome.  We had a family.  We didn't need to do this.  So, after this one last attempt, we were packing in the baby wagon, so to speak.

Of course, it worked.
my sunshine girl

It gave me no small amount of stress, when I thought about what we had done.  I am not an overly religous person.  But I do believe in a higher power.  And I was worried about what might happen, if we were messing with God's plan.  God obviously made it difficult for me to get pregnant for a reason.  And we were fucking around with nature's plan.  What if I gave birth to the next Hitler, the Hitler that nature tried to prevent?  What if the baby was deformed, or handicapped?  I knew I could handle that, with Sebastian- but is that fair to the baby????  You  can see how my thoughts went.

As it is, she's perfect.  Uber-perfect.  The second love of my life.  I think she is also destined to be my arch-nemisis, but that's for another day.

My birth experience with her was everything I had ever hoped and wished for.  It was everything that Sebastian's birth wasn't.  It was natural and wonderful and messy and loud.  I wasn't ashamed or inhibited.  I owned it.  I have never done anything before or since that made me feel so fully powerful.  It is a memory I will treasure for the rest of my life. 

Daddy and daughter

From day one, I loved her, and all my experiences with her.  I breastfed her, something I didn't do with Sebastian.  We would lay in bed and cuddle all day long- for about the first week.  Then I had to kick it into gear and get moving.  I sometimes wish I had milked that for a bit longer.  Ah well.

And now...well, she's my little girl.  She is independant and strong.  She wants to see and do and have everything.  She idolizes her daddy and her brother.  The cutest thing I have ever seen is her imitating everything that Sebastian does, just over his shoulder. 

She gives the biggest bear hugs.  She screams for me when I come in the door after work.  She hugs my knees and calls me "mum-mum".  I fucking love it.


She loves to colour.  Some of my favorite times are laying on her floor and colouring princess pictures with her.  She is a girly girl, but also tough as shit.  She loves so much, and her feelings are easily hurt.  When she is sad, she is devestated.  She is going to drive me crazy.  I just know it.  But if we make it through that, we will be good friends.

She is smart.  So frigging smart.  She can figure things out by looking at them.  She will try and try and try, until she can work or get or open whatever it is that she wants.

Belly laughs

I love her eyes.  They are huge and blue and beautiful.  I love her hair.  It is crazy and red and wild and soft and smells like summertime.  I love her hands.  They are always sticky and dirty, because of the exploring she is always doing.  I love her teeth.  They are tiny and perfect.  I love her laugh.  She snorts and trills and chuckles, and none of them are lady like, but all of them make me laugh when I hear them, no matter how pissed off I am. 

She just went to bed.  I miss her already.

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for noodlebug.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Life, as it was meant to be

Having a rough couple of days.  No reason in particular, just one of those times.  You know the ones.  They seem to come and go through my life, just a period of a couple of days, or even a couple of weeks where life just seems to get....I don't know...harder, I guess.  Getting up in the morning, getting to and through work, chores and everything else just seems to drain the life and energy out of me. 

When these times come, as they inevitably do, I try to take stock of my life.  But as Minnie Driver says in Grosse Point Blank- "Leave your livestock alone."  But I can't.  I am a thinker.  I spend too much time in my own head.

And while I take stock, I inevitably turn to Sebastian.  Always.  Probably always will.

As pretty much anyone who might read this knows, Sebastian is autistic.  Sorry, my apologies- Sebastian has autism.  Apparently, that is the proper, "People First" phrasing.  To say it otherwise is to imply that his autism defines him.  Honestly, I think the people that really care about that, don't have autistic kids kids with autism so they have enough time to worry about stupid shit like that.   But I digress. :)

I don't know if everyone realizes what life with Sebastian is really like.  It is hard for me to describe- not that it is difficult or emotional for me (althought it can be)- it is just that we really don't know any different.  With Sawyer around now, I am starting to see the differences outlined more clearly.  But it was never something that occured to me, or that I really understood.  I will try and help you understand.

Days start early.  We are resetting his sleep cycle, rather successfully, I might add.  Part of his condition is problems with sleep.  For some kids, they can't fall asleep.  For others, they can't stay asleep.  Sebastian's issue is early waking.   When he started back to school he was getting up regularily at about 430 or 5am, and staying awake all day.  We use Melatonin to help him reset.  He's been on it about 6 weeks, and seems to be doing well now.  Bed time at 8pm, wake up around 7 or 730.  Totally doable.  But, like everything else with him, we have to monitor it, because once we take him off the melatonin, he will start to slip, and we could end up right back where we started.

We are choosing to deal with Sebastian's issues through naturopathic medicines, rather than traditional medicine.  This is about 85% our choice, and 15% because none of the doctors we have ever seen has ever offered us any type of recourse or medication.  I have very little respect for the medical establishment.  I do love my naturopath, however.  I would reccommend her to anyone.

Sebastian takes homeopathic supplements, omega 3 fish oil, calcium/magnesium supplements, B-12 supplemnents, multivitamins along with the melatonin.  We also have him on a homeopathic cold preventative regimine which seems to be working well.  As well, Sebastian is gluten free, casien free and beef free.  We do organic foods as much as possible, and try to limit his intact of artificial flavours and colours, like red dye, as much as possible. 

What does this mean in real terms?  Cooking for him is a bitch.  Try eating out with him.  We try and find restaurants that will work with us, and we have our favourites- Betty's will do poached fish, The Flying Saucer will leave the sauce off their grilled chicken.  We pay $5.50 for a loaf of bread for him, and $5.00 for rice milk.  Our grocery bill averages $350 for 2 weeks.  Yeah, for reals.

Sebastian still has communication issues.  He can be difficult to understand for strangers, and even for us sometimes.  He will say words out of order, and tends to memorize phrases.  He says things like "I can't like vegetables" instead of "I don't like vegetables".  He has trouble with the past and future tense, and really can't process abstract thoughts.

He has severe OCD tendencies.  He would be 100% content to watch the same 5 second clip of a movie for an hour.  Every DVD player we have ever had, he has mastered in minutes, so that he can rewind and replay his favorite parts of movies. He loves his "papers"- pictures that he has printed, shots from his favorite movies, or of his favorite TV shows.  He carries his papers, and will look at them and arrange them for hours and hours.
The other day, he had his papers laid out on my bed. The dog jumped up to lay down, and messed up his papers.  That triggered a meltdown that lasted 30 minutes.  It culminated in him actually balling his small fist up, and pounding it into his thigh as he cried, something he has never, ever done before.  I tried to help him with logic, with firmness, and finally, I just held him in my lap and rocked him, like I did when he was small. I let him cry, and I cried too, right along with my sad, strange son.

Nothing comes easy for this kid.  Geoff and I still help him dress every day.  He can do most, but still needs help.  We help with bathing and other self needs too.  We help him eat- he can't cut his food, and sometimes has trouble with his fork.  He just learned to pour his own milk, but can't stick the straw in his juice box.

The list goes on, and on, and on....

So, this is a snippet of what life with Sebastian is like.  I don't have the energy, or the time to touch on the appointments, the doctors, the therapy, the school visits, the special programs....

Of course, there are the happy times.  Oh so many. :)

The boy feels love, great and deep and wide.  He will hug and kiss me on the spur of the moment because he feels like it.  He doesn't know how to lie, or cheat, or decieve.  He is unrestrained and will dance and jump and hop when his happy feelings get too big.  He will laugh uncontrollably at little things, like bubbles and funny noises and silly knock-knock jokes.

Sebastian is the reason I wake up in the morning and the reason I can't wait to come home at night.  I have snapshots in my head of our happiest times:
- the morning he was born
- driving to St. Jacobs in the back of my parent's car when he was about a year old, and making each other laugh with funny faces
- holding hands and walking through a corn field
- Sebastian using his first sign (more) and speaking to me for the first time when he was 2 and a half.
- Sebastian telling me he loved me, in words, for the first time.   It was right after his surgery, and he was 4 years old.
- Sebastian yelling "It's mommy!" every night, when I come home from work.
- 2 years ago at Christmas, when he finally started figuring out what Santa was, and what he does
- having sleepovers every year that Geoff went to Chicago- eating pizza in bed, and watching Harry Potter movies.
- his smile
- his eyes
- his laugh
- the way he says....oh, just about anything.

So, livestock.  Life- the way it was meant to be- it just the way I am living it now.  Wouldn't trade it for anything.

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for natural, normal, nirvana.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

You will regret it when you are older

This week, I did it again. 

I got a tattoo.

I am up to 14 now.  As I progress down this path, I am getting designs that are more fun, and less meaningful.  I have moved away from the commemorative and more towards the fun, and the interesting.

Inevitably, someone ends up asking me why I do this to myself.  That I will regret it when I am older.  No one likes an 80 year old with a band of zombies tattooed around her thigh.  It's a waste of money, effort, time.  People will judge me, I will never get a job.  Etc, etc.

At one time or another, every one of those comments has come out of my dad's mouth.  *shrugs*  I forgive him.

Celtic Bat- Top middle of my back
So, I have been thinking lately about why I do it.  Why do I love them.  Why do they make me feel good.

I have always had self esteem issues.  I don't think that is a surprise to anyone.  With the tattoos, people look at them first, and not at me.  It's nice to hide behind.  When I have the wrong hair, or the wrong clothes, or I'm not fit and skinny- people always look at the tattoos first.  I like it that way.

I don't care about people judging them, or me because of them.  It is fun to surprise people that think I am stupid, or uneducated because of them.  I like to prove how smart I am.

I already have a job- a good one.  I make good money (I won't say how much).  I earn the respect of people around me, that I report to, that I work with.  I am a hard worker, diligent, dedicated.  And I dare anyone to judge me based on what it on my skin.
Dragon, on my foot.  A first anniversary present from Geoff
So- do I like the pain?  A little, yes.  I like the challenge of toughing it out.  I like that I don't flinch, or whine or bitch.  The worst one I ever got was the zombie band, and the inner thigh was the worst.  I had to do labour breathing to get through that one. :)  Justin, of course, had no sympathy, and told me it was my own fault for asking for a band.  He's right, it was my bad.

The other questions I get- Why do you chose what you chose?  And when will you stop?

The "I am" was from the Molson Canadian campaign that was big in the 90's.  It reminds me of a time when everyone felt proud to be Canadian.
I chose what I chose because they are designs, pictures, ideals that I like, love, or want to be.  My very first tattoo is the fairy on my shoulder, that  Bob Paulin did in 1999.  I always knew a fairy wouuld be my first.  It symbolizes my faith, my belief in what isn't before my eyes, but exists in my heart.  It reminds me to believe in what I want, not only what I can see and touch.  My second was a Canadian flag, done by Bob 3 days after the first one.  Yeah.  I was hooked from the start.

Fast forward 11 years.  I just got a bloody machete on my leg.  For kicks.  Because I wanted to.  Because no one- NO ONE- is going to tell me not to.  It is my "fuck you" to everyone that wants to voice their most unwelcome opinion.

What do you know?!?  I guess I still have messages in my tattoos, after all.

Will I stop?  Yes, eventually.  I know that makes my mother happy.  There are a few more that I want.  And I am sure that I will think of more.  I do want a chest piece.  Preferably with the word Wicked in it.  I want one focussed around the word VooDoo- one of my favorites.  I think I will let Justin have free reign with this.  I also want a large portrait of the Crow on my back.  Eventually I will get sleeves on each arm, one for Sebastian and the other for Sawyer.  That's my immediate plans.  Whatever else I might think of, who knows.  :)  I get giddy with the thought of all this.
Celtic Cross.  For my Irish Grandma
Right now- I am happy with what I have.  I had a shower yesterday, and looked down at my leg.  I felt a little flip in my stomach, seeing that much ink in my skin.  Happy.  Content.  Maybe junkies feel that way when they see their track marks.  But I think it is more like a writer, when they see their half finished novels, printed and waiting for the next chapter, and the next and the next...

Geoff has promised to photograph my tattoos.  I am excited for that.

But for now, I will help my leg heal.  I will pretend not to see the stares, and I will laugh when people ask me stupid questions and say hurtful things.  Because I really don't care.  I love them too much to care that no one else does.

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for needles.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

"Every time they speak, they just vomit nerd".

So, my supernatural weekend is done and gone.  Boo.  It was great and fun and hilarious, and most of that is due to the two ladies I travelled with- my sister, Dawn and my good friend, Val. 



The weekend started with a crazy long drive.  We all planned to sleep a bit before leaving, but that didn't unfold as we wanted.  I managed to get about an hour of broken sleep, but the other two got none.  We were too excited though, and were ready to roll.  We planned to cross to the States in Windsor, so we had a nice long, 4 hour drive to the Ambassador Bridge.  Dawn, the ever awesome, burned 4 CDs worth of Supernatural music.  Kansas, Blue Oyster Cult, Bon Jovi, Asia, ACDC- it was, in the words of Geoff- pure, undiluted awesome.  We all sang along like crazy people, having no idea that it was a foreshadowing of another awesome event of the weekend. 

Val at the wheel

We crossed no problem and kept driving.  I did my stretch from about 3:30/4am to about 6am.  Hard driving.  Hard to stay awake.  I crashed out about 10 seconds after Val took over.  Val was the one that took us into Chicago- a ride I was pretty excited about, because it kinda looked like the one from Ferris Bueller's Day off.   I am sure it wasn't, but  it felt like it.  And that was enough.

Dawn at Brekkie

Our first day was a bit of a haze of sleepiness.  We hit an IHOP for breakfast, and the hotel let us check in early.  We got out nerd badges, and then went up for a nap.  We felt a bit better after that and a shower, and managed to make our way downstairs to check out Richard Speight Jr (aka the Trickster).  He was awesome and funny, and he earned his way onto the Impala.  ( for those that don't know- I brought a diecast model of a 1967 Impala, the same car as they drive in the show.  Love it!)  We met him, got autographs, and then decided to head out for dinner.

Yes, the sandwich is THAT big.
Dinner at RAM consisted of buttface amber (which wasn't amber at all), bourbon instead of rye, and a pulled pork sandwich as big as your head.  Dawn said the word "nipple" as in nipple chaffing, and caught the attention of the very drunk, very old man at the next table.  We started to get sleepy, and lost our buzz, so we headed back, intending to go to bed. 

Val hit her wall, and did retire, very sensibly, for the evening.  Dawn and I, however, remembered that there was kareoke going on in the main hall, and decided to check it out. 

Best.  Decision.  Ever.

Train Wreck.

The event is like a pyschedelic haze of a memory to me now, but let me just say- I haven't laughed that hard, for that long- in a really, REALLY long time.  The Trickster and Little John (2 actors) were there, and stayed until the end- 2am.  Later, a singer friend of Jensen "Dean" Ackles called Jason Mann came out and hung out and partied.  Every boy was super hot.  Almost every singer was super bad.  Dawn and I, after paying $8 for a beer, smuggled some from our room down, got silly, and sang our asses off.  I have video to prove it, if you are interested.  One of the chicks in the assigned seat in front of us was there, all dressed up and ready to go- in yellow pumps, black lace tights, red hot pants, grey tank top, and shitty hair and back tattoo.  Yes, it was as bad as it sounds.  It was a great time, and I am really glad that I lost 4 hours of sleep to go.  Next year, Val- you have to come and Dawn- we are gonna rock the joint.

Travis during our intimate lunch date.

We got silly the next day too, with various going on:
- sharing lunch with the super cute Ghostfacers (Travis had the rice, I had the sandwich) and then "reminding" them of our lunch together later that night in the autograph line.  They were nice enough to agree that is was a nice time, and that we should do it again.
-being unimpressed with the Yellow Eyed Demon's Q and A, but discovering he was a super nice guy in person.
- buying my Serial Killer necklace (Dawn is a Psycho Killer.  Small distinction, but important).
- hasseling the picture selling guy about his inability to control the sun. 
- asking Travis if he knows that dolphins are just gay sharks?
- getting to see Matt Cohen drag his hung over ass downstairs to do the Jerk again.

We brought Alex with us.

- having great talks with the girls in the room over the better part of a case of beer- before getting into the autograph line
-learning that Dawn thinks Jews are hot, Val doesn't think that it looks like turkey (that's what she said) and that I think ham is perkier- I love mishearing people.
- seeing Travis's "mancave treasure trove".  My heart stopped a little.
- hitting the tiki bar, and just looking tired and wasted in every photo.

There was a bunch more, but it is starting to slip away.

Sunday- last day.  Sad, sad, sad.

pouty sad faces.

 Jared and Misha- hotness.  They are both super-dee-duper cute, but the fact that they are hilarious just made them that much better.  Misha didn't answer any of the questions seriously, and made the whole place howl a bunch of time.  Jensen coming out was a super hilight, and we all were thrilled.  Jared- while still hugely tall- wasn't quite the giant that we expected.    I got autographs on the Impala from all 3, and I am thrilled.  Jensen didn't really interact, but he did - literally- make my heart pound as we got close. Jared thought the Mettallicar was "niiiiiice", and Misha winked at me.  It was the equivalent of having an affair.  :)  A dirty nasty affair. Awesome.

Jensen, Misha and Jared.  My boyfriends. 

The best part of the weekend, after hot boys and good friends, was the people watching.  The title of this article is straight out of Dawn's mouth, about some of the people asking questions, walking around and existing in general.  I have been too and worked multiple comic conventions and these were- hands down- the biggest nerds that I have ever seen in my life.  From the one on the first day that asked what the offspring of an angel and demon mating would be (a monster or an ephriham) to the one that asked EVERYBODY whether they would rather be eaten alive by a zombie, a shark or a velociraptor (and apparently there is a correct answer to that)- these people were morons.  Some were actual lesbians, some were girls that didn't know how to brush their hair, or when to put away the trucker caps.    None of them could sing, and all of them thought that the supernatural boys would fall in love with them, if they just wore the right shirt.  And usually, that shirt had one of their faces on it.  Like that would ever happen.

Anyway,  that was our weekend, in a nutshell.  I missed the kids and Geoff like crazy, but I would do it again in a heartbeat.  Thanks ladies.  Much, much love.

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "nipple chafing".

Tuesday, October 5, 2010


Did I tell you I am going to Nerdfest 2010 this weekend?  Yep, in Chicago.  Me and Val and Dawn are driving 10 hours to see people that star in a TV show, Supernatural.

The idea even seems ludicrous to me, and I am the one fucking doing it.  Shit.

But, I think we will have a good time.  Fingers crossed.  I like road trips.  But I am worried about being tired and cranky. 

Wish me luck.  I will try to keep the geekiness to a minimum. 

oh.  I love my boys.
Rosie N. Grey
The N stand for, what else- "nerd".

As fast as you can

So, I'm running.  I said I would and I am.  It's not easy, but I am doing it.  Actually, I lie, it's a bit easier than I expected.  I have always hated it so much, that I get myself psyched out.  But this program is turning out better than I expected. 
I didn't actually start when I said I was going to.  I woke up the next morning, after blogging, with a stuffy nose, and a huge headache.  It really didn't get too much worse from there, but really- I wasn't interested in starting anything.

Then I went to the cottage.  We did hike a couple of times, but I wasn't running with my dad there (he would just make fun of me) and I am really afraid of being kidnapped and raped by crazy, inbred hillbillies, so I wasn't running anywhere on my own up there. 

I am running around my neighbourhood.  I got this weird coloured shirt with my ladies golf league, but it has an awesome pocket in the sleeve.  My ipod fits right in.  I have great spongy ear buds, that don't hurt my ears, and don't fall out when I move my head.  I don't have great runners, but if I waited until everything was perfect, I would never start.  Besides, other than the cut my baby toenail gave me (don't ask) all is good.  I'm not even that stiff the mornings after.

Today, I even ran with cramps.  Yeah, "those" cramps.  Fuck, I rock.

I figure if I hold myself accountable here, then I might be less likely to quit.  So, I will keep reporting out, and letting you know how I do.  Don't know about any weight loss yet, I am retaining about 17 lbs of water right now.  Remember- the cramps???  yeah.  Sucks.

My buddy Bill just ran 6K.  Two other friends, Terressa and Michelle ran the Race for the Cure 5K.  Teresa is just bloody awesome and runs all the time.  They are my inspiration. 

And also Sawyer.  I am doing this for her.  God, am I ever. 

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "narcissistic"

Monday, October 4, 2010


So, once again, life caught up with me, and I have fallen behind on the blogging.  Well, actually, since I have no real commitment to any timeframe at all, I can't be behind.  But I would like to blog more than once per week, so to me- I'm behind.

We had a busy weekend.  We ALWAYS have a busy weekend.  But this one in particular was jam-packed full.

Thursday night, Sawyer had her first swimming lesson.  I wasn't sure how she was going to be, since she has recently started being afraid of the water.  That's why we wanted to get her into lessons, to nip the fear in the bud.  It is parent/tot lessons, which means that one of us has to go in the water with her.  Since Geoff is more afraid of the water than she is, that means it's me.  Now, I am not thrilled about being in a bathing suit in a room full of university students, but I would do anything for my kids, including subjecting myself to a humiliating situation.  It went pretty well.  A lot of the kids cried at first, which freaked Sawyer out.  They got over it quickly, she didn't.  Eventually though, I got her walking and running in the water, going through a tunnel, and "jumping" in (she didn't really jump so much as lean her way in, but it's a start!).  By the end, she was having fun, and so was I.
We left swimming, went to McD's for dinner (as is tradition) with my dad, who came to watch.  He always watched Sebastian's lessons, so he was excited to see Sawyer do something.  From there, we went and checked into Great Wolf Lodge.  We had taken part in the charity fundraiser car wash they do in the summer- $100 car wash gets you a night stay and 4 passes to the water park.  We had to use them by October 7th, so this was our last chance.  Sebastian Geoff and I have been a couple of times now, but this was the first time Sawyer had been to the water park.  When we checked in, we found out they had upgraded us to a Wolf Den room.  I had no idea what that was, but was super excited to be "upgraded".  I have never been upgraded before.  I kinda liked it.

The Wolf Den turned out to be a super cool room, with a little fort-type area for the kids to sleep in.  It had bunk beds, a TV in the corner, and a cool mural with wolves, humming birds and other cool things.  Both kids loved it.  We spent the first night at the arcade.  Both kids got $20 in tokens, and Geoff and I walked them through the arcade, picking cool games and helping them play.  Sebastian is funny.  Because of his autism, he gets overloaded very easily in those types of environments.  Instead of getting crazy, he goes the opposite way, and shuts down.  I think it is a self-preservation mechanism.  It helps him deal with the stimuli one at a time, when he tunes out everything else, including Geoff and I. 

Poppin' the corn.

One of his favorite games is a Popcorn one.  Ping pong balls come bouncing out of the "popper" and you have to move the popcorn bucket and catch as many as you can.  Sebastian loves it, but when it runs, he just stands in front of it, like he is in a trance.  He doesn't move the bucket, he doesn't track the balls with his eyes, he just stands and stares.  But inevitably, when it's over he asks to "do it again, please".  I don't know if it is the motion, the popping noise- I don't know what soothes him.  But who am I to judge?  It makes him happy, does no harm, so I will drop a hundred dollars in there if he wants.

Sawyer and the fire truck.

Sawyer, of course, ran around like a crazy person.  She loved the lights, the noise - all of it.  She is a whirlwind herself, so this just played into that part of her. 
After a while though, the kids were exhausted, so I played out the tokens on some Monopoly game (which I was pretty good at, I must say) and got as many tickets for the kids as I could.  Sebastian ended up getting a stuffed Supergirl, which was pretty cool, and Sawyer was satisfied with a hackeysack ball, 2 happy face erasers and a rubber ball. 
We went to the room, after ordering a hugely expensive pizza and Geoff bought me a chocolate mousse ball and a awesome brownie.  Of course, I ate most of both of them.  So worth it.  The kids went down easy, and so did I. Get your mind out of the gutter, Geoff.

The next morning, we went down to breakfast and met my mom and dad.  They come out for breakfast every time we stay there.  The buffet was good, and filling.  We hung out in the lobby for a bit, and took some pictures, then it was time for the water park.

Jesus, out in public in my bathing suit, twice in two days.  Horrid.  But we had a blast.  The kids were great, had lots of fun.  Sawyer crashed on me for about an hour and a half, and woke up in a good mood.  We had fries and drinks, and as the park started to fill up (it was a ghost town most of the day), we packed it in.
Good times.

We headed home, unpacked a bit, tidied up, and then got ready and headed out for Sawyer's gymnastic lesson.  Now, before you think I am some crazy mother that puts her kids in everything, I don't.  I think we have covered previously that I am inherently lazy, and i don't like commitment and organized sports.  But I want the kids to have opportunities to experience different things, and have some fun, and with Sebastian, the programs are limited and few and far between, so I have to take what I can find, when I can find it.  Right now, each of them are enrolled in two things- Bastian has his social skills group on Tuesdays, and he is starting gymnastics on Saturdays in October.  Sawyer has swimming on Thursdays and gymnastics on Friday. 
Gymnastics was good.  Geoff was going to do it with her, since I have to do the swimming, but she freaked out and wanted me for some reason.  So I got the pleasure of getting all sweaty, hauling her all over, boosting her onto balance beams etc.  But I also got to see her freak out with joy when she finally got her turn on the tramp, and got to play boat, and get bounced all over hell's creation.  So, it was a good time. 

After that, the kids went to my mom and dad's to sleep over, and Geoff and I went out with friends to the Welland Food Festival.  Good times.  Had beers, watched people get humped (they would trip over the hump that hid all the cords and we would laugh hysterically, like we were 12 year olds).  There was this band playing- no idea of the name- but it should have been called "Ipod Shuffle".  They just played random shit, no rhyme or reason to it.  Shakira, followed by Duran Duran, followed by Kanye.  I did enjoy their unwitting tributes to Glee, and Kevin would get pissed each time I asked them to "Glee it up!!".  They even had an awesome keyboard guitar.  They were horrible and incredibly awesome at the same time. 

We all bought flashing black bunny ears (I don't know why, but it seemed like a great idea at the time) and of course, everyone had to have their turn wearing them. 

Dirty, sexy bunnies.

We maintained a "douche bag free" zone around us, but as we were in Welland, this was virtually impossible to maintain.  And even though we were at a food festival, none of us, save Geoff, ate anything, so we had to order pizza and wings afterwards.  We are dinks. 

But all in all, great night.  Drunk Teresa came out to play, and brought her A game.  Lynn, even though she was stone-cold sober, was hilarious, and wonderful.  Michelle and Terressa, when they were there, were funny and drew in tons of people.  Kevin, of course, awesome.  He loves whores.  And he still hasn't shared the taxi cab story.  Apparently I have heard it before, but since I have zero recollection of this, I want to hear it again.  Everyone else that came and went- thanks for the laughs.

Chelle and me.
Teresa and me

Kevin and I playing nice after our dance off.  He mastered the side to side, I did the sprinkler.

Geoff drove me home, of course, and was gracious enough to accommodate my drunken requests- first for a snickers bar, then for a shot of the weird banana moon.  The shot didn't turn out, of course- but he was nice enough to not say I told you so, and even commiserated as I swore a blue streak.  He puts up with a lot.

Wow.  That was just Thursday and Friday.  I will do Saturday and Sunday, later.


OK, Saturday.  Got up, went and got my hair done.  I had thought about doing white streaks with dark, but it would take too long to strip the colour out of my hair.  So we went with copper highlights this time, and next time, we might sew in extensions.  Unless of course I see something different that I want by then. :)  I love changing my mind.

After that, came home- some drama.  Not getting into it here.  Took off later in the afternoon, did some scouting for photography, and went to the Food Festival- AGAIN.  Took the kids.  Sebastian got a gluten free sausage, I got ribs, Geoff got pulled pork, and Sawyer had baked potato soup.  We went back to the car, and had a little picnic.  It was actually really fun, and the kids had a blast.  It was rainy and cold, but we almost always have a good time when we are together.

Today, we had an early morning appointment with the couple that we are shooting for their Halloween wedding.  We went through our contract, and some of our ideas, and got to check out the venue.  The meeting went well, and both Geoff and I walked away with a good feeling about it.  It is a bit out of our comfort zone, since we will be primary photographers for the event, and that is a lot of pressure, to perform, to be creative, and to be a smart business person, make contacts and present a good product.  Hope we can pull it off.  After that, we had the yum, yum, yummiest brekkie at Cora's.

Once we headed home, I pulled out the Thanksgiving decorations and did it up a little bit.  I have way more Halloween stuff, but that will come out next week.  We tidied up a little bit, played with the kids, watched some TV, and just chilled inside, out of the rain.  Once the rain broke, we headed to Welland, one last time. This time we got to try more stuff.  I had a pulled pork crepe (AWESOME) and a chicken enchilada- really good.  Sebastian shared the chicken with me and got more sausage.  It can be really hard to find stuff for him to eat at these types of things, so chicken and fries are our usual go to.  Geoff had some jerk chicken and fish and chips, which he enjoyed.  Sawyer had roasted corn, which she DEVOURED.  It was actually pretty hilarious. 
On the way out, we stopped so that I could get my deep fried Mars bar, and Geoff got Loganberry.  Awesome, wrapped in dough, and deep fried.  I love them. 

Sergeant Sawyer, reporting for duty.


After that- off to Walmart.  We picked up a Halloween costume for Sebastian.  He's going to be the count.  Can't wait.  The costume looks great.

Home again, home again, jiggity jig.  Dinner, bed, and I went for a run.  Sheesh.  Now, I am watching Season 2 of "Sons of Anarchy",  my new favorite obsession.

Wow.  If you made it this far, congrats.  God, I even bore myself! :)

Rosie N. Grey
 The N stands for "never ending".