"Change, when it comes, cracks everything open."
Dorothy Allen

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Psyched out.

So, last night, I met with a psychic.

First off, she was very nice.  She wasn't all flash and bobbles, trying to look like a gypsy or anything like that.  I was relieved a little when I saw her.  I am always afraid they will look ridiculous and I will be distracted by how much I don't believe them.

Right off the bat, she asked me about headaches and anxiety.  Bing, bing.  She said the anxiety is coming from everywhere, she couldn't pinpoint a source.  Bing, again.  I asked if it would get better.  She said "Eventually."  *sigh*  I was hoping for tomorrow.

She told me lots of things, and some things I won't mention here.  She wasn't dead on (I don't know a Ben, or Blaine, or Blair, for example, even though she mentioned him about 3 times).  But some stuff was creepy and startling.

She told me I wasn't meant for the job I am doing, which involved lots of paperwork, detailed work and numbers.  But she was confused, because she said I also worked with families and children.  I told her I am a finance analyst but I also volunteer with a children's charity.

She asked if my husband was depressed.  Something was wrong and he needs to deal with it, or it will impact everyone and everything.

She asked if my son was normal (after excusing herself, since she didn't know how to phrase it properly.)  She said that he is a good kid, and he is what he is.  But she said that those "big fears" I have hidden about him aren't true, that he will have a good life, and eventually live separate from me.  She said it would break my heart, but it was a good thing.

She said that my fears about Sawyer are unfounded.  Sawyer will do well in school, but will always skirt that edge of being a smartmouth, and loud.  She will always have a way with words, and will always do well.

I asked if there were any spirits around that wanted to talk to me.  She told me that I was very spiritual but that I close myself off from that side of myself.  Not out of disbelief, but to try and live my life.  She said that I don't sleep well, not that I don't sleep, but that when I do, I don't feel rested when I wake up.  Apparently that is because I close myself to the guidance and forces in the universe during the day, because I am heads down, living my life, trying to get'r done.  But when I sleep, I am open to everything.  And then it is constant information bombardment, and travelling and conversations and learning. So by the time I wake up, I am exhausted.  She said I need to start directing these conversations and learning, by asking for what I need guidance on- my career, my kids, choices etc.  And I need to open myself more to my inutitive side when I am awake. 

But she did say that there was an "R" woman there.  My grandma's name was Rosie.  She asked if my grandma was an avid gardener.  I said no, she gardened a bit, but wasn't crazy about it.  She looked confused and said "Then what about the lilacs?  All I can smell is lilacs."

That was when I started crying.

When my grandma died, and we were cleaning out her stuff, I took her perfume bottle.  It was just a cheap little one, but it was lilac scented and smelled totally like her.  To this day, one of my very favorite scents in the world is lilacs and every single time I smell it, I think of her. 

So, yeah, that freaked me out. 

She said that Grandma would be around for a few days, now that I had welcomed her.  Something with a bird will happen and that will be her sign.  She said if weird things are happening, and I don't like it, tell her to stop.  But I don't think I will.

I asked about Kit.  Apparently there was another man there, but we didn't talk to or about him.  She asked if Kit worked nights.  I said yes.  She asked if he walked funny.  I said yes (he constantly bounced.)

She asked if it was cancer.  Yes.  Then she asked what was wrong with his hands?  Did he have ezcema?  Nope, nothing like that.

And as she is talking, she is itching her palms.  Then she moves from itching her palms to her fingers.  Then starts twisting her fingers together.  She looks at me and says "It's not him, it's your son."

For those that don't know, Sebastian CONSTANTLY twists and twines his fingers together.  Non-stop.  It's kind of freaky, I can't even replicate it, because my fingers don't bend like his.

She said that this was the sign from Kit that he is looking out for him.  That I would have to give my permission, for it to be ok.  Of course, it is.  I welcome it.

Randomly, she said "He said Zombie.  You watch zombies.  He watched it with you."  FYI, I wore long pants and long sleeves, just so she wouldn't see my tattoos.

At the end, when he had to leave, she said his parting words were "I will see you at the italian restaurant." 

One of Geoff's favorite Billy Joel songs is Scenes from an Italian Restaurant.  He put it on the funeral playlist.  Geoff just played it yesterday.  Every time we hear it, we think of Kit.

There was more, but it is starting to fade a bit.   She said my carpal tunnel is undiagnosed, but doesn't need surgery.   I need support, but it is why my hands get tingly at night.  She said I might move rural, but not for a number of years.  She said that I would get thinner, that I wanted it bad enough.  And more.

So, I am psyched out.  A bit.  Comforted and unsettled.  And I have a headache. 

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "new ideas"

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Seeing the future

Next week, I am going to a psychic party.  I don't know if I am looking forward to it or not. 

I think you guys know me well enough by now to know that I believe.  I believe that the ability to read auras and to have visions exist.  Do I believe that every person out there that claims to be psychic is?  No, of course not.

I have been read a couple of times in the past.  One was horrible, she told me terrible things, some of which came true.  And they aren't things that I will discuss here.

I did get read by a native once.  He was the one that told me I would have my kids when I was 27 and 35.  I was actually 28 when Sebastian was born, but the gap was big enough to catch my notice.   He did also tell me that both kids would be the same sex...but he wasn't sure which one.  He was wrong on that. 

I have some questions, but I probaby won't ask.  I want to know about my health, and Geoff's.  I want to know about Sebastian and his therapy and where he will end up.  I want to know if Sawyer will be happy and healthy and well adjusted.  I want to know about my job, and Cracked Lens and Geoff's shop.  I want to know if I am moving, and to where and when.  I want to know a bunch of stuff. But I won't ask. 

She is just going to have to tell me. 

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for kNowing the future.

Expo-sing ourselves

Next week is Fan Expo.  It is our biggest show of the year.  This year, the powers that be bumped it up to 4 days, Thursday to Sunday.  So, I will be up there and my kids will be at Grammie's. 

We got t-shirts printed for the first time (stay tuned for pictures, Geoff is taking some tomorrow with our models, Michelle and Kevin!).  Every year, we try something new, to see if it will sell.  Last year was the calendars, which did ok.  I am hoping the tshirts work out ok.  I need some money, bad.

Fan Expo is fun, we get to meet up with vendors and artists we met at other shows in other years.  Last year we met up with Emily Thomas and her boyfriend, Dave, from Mummy's Little Monster.  She is an awesome artist and I have one of her pictures hanging in my house.  Dawn, as one of our models, usually comes up for a day and works the booth and keeps us company.  I think she is coming up for a couple of days this time.  She is starting to like the feel of the show, and all of the interesting and hilarious things to see and do.

With all the stuff going on in my/our lives right now, and for the past couple of months, I have had no ambition or inspiration to take pictures.  I dunno...maybe it's just not in me.  I am going to try and blow out as much stock as I can at this show, and then just play it by ear.

I am in one of those downward swings that I go through peridocially. Now is the worst possible time to be feeling this way, so I keep trying to push through it and keep motivated.  But really, my heart isn't in it.  My heart isn't in much that I am doing right now.  I really just want to sleep for about 4 days, and wake up to a clean house and money in the bank and a happy family.  Ah well, that's a post for another day.

I am off next week, so I have a chance to get ready and organized.  I have a funny feeling that I am going to need it.

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for 'nother year at Fan Expo.

5. Have a blast at our White Trash party.

 Well, it happened.  August 13, Geoff's 39th birthday, we had the party of parties.  White Trash, baby.

It was awesome.  Everyone got in the spirit and dressed up, and everyone looked different.  They brought amazing food, and made fantastic trash mixes.  We had a keg of beer (home brew, of course) and killed most of it.

I had a blast.  I haven't had that much to drink, or had that much fun in a long time.  I am the tip cup champion- even though Bill eventually (barely) beat me, I won more than anyone else. 

Our official winners were:
Adam- White Trash Trivia- Prize was the "My weiner does tricks" t-shirt.
Greg- White Trash Trivia- Prize was a plaqued Nascar picture.
Carrie- White Trash Trivia- Prize was Bumpits.
Dawn- White Trash Trivia- Prize was "sunglass" hairbands.
Teresa- White Trash Music Mix- Prize was a bottle of Schlitz.
Holly- Best Dressed White Trash- Prize was a  box of Tang.
Lynn- 2nd runner up, Best Dressed- Prize was SPAM.
Kurt- 3rd runner up, Best Dressed- Prize was "The Man, The Legend" t-shirt.

Our theme song of the night was "Liquor and Whores" by Bubbles from the Trailer Park Boys (my latest obsession).  We all drained a bottle when "Cherry Pie" came on, in honour of the passing of the lead singer of Warrant (they found him in the Comfort Inn, in Hollywood.  It doesn't get trashier than that!)

I really did have a whole lot of fun.  A bunch of people couldn't make it at the last minute, and that was fine. But the people that did come really brought their A game. 

I have had a rough couple of weeks.  I needed this to be a great party. You have NO idea how much I needed it. And it was, thanks to you guys.

Love you all, you crazy fucks.  Love ya.

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for Nascar Lovin' Hillbilly.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Mix and Match

Boots and Underwear.

In case you can't do basic math (or just don't care), there is 7 years difference between Sebastian and Sawyer.  For me, that was the difference between having a baby at 28 and 35. 

Having a baby at 28 was fine.  I was older, pretty stable.  It was a conscious decision, something we wanted and decided on specifically.  But still, he was my first.  I was nervous and new.  I made mistakes.  I made sure that he was looking good and put together when we went out.  I didn't want to be judged and found lacking.  He had great outfits, many with hats.  :)  What a doll.

Pirate hat and stickers. 
If I remember correctly, she wasn't wearing pants.

With Sawyer, though, it's different.

Sure, she is a very different kid that Sebastian.  Sebastian is easy, go with the flow.  My mellow boy.  He was happy and chill and lovely.  Sawyer is wild and independent. She has an opinion about everything.  She wants to be older, to do things, to see things. 

Awesome hat

The other day, I was getting ready to go out with Sawyer.  I told her to get dressed.  I know better than to try and help.  I sat and waited, anxious to get going, but knowing I can't rush her.  As it turns out, it was well worth the wait. 

My dolly came out, pleased as punch.  She had chosen a long sleeved yellow shirt, paisley brown tights with pink and blue mixed in, a pink tutu skirt, her kitty cat rain boots and a cowboy hat.  Yep.

Yellow rain boots and a tummy.

I wish I had a camera (I found mine about 3 or 4 days later) because she looked amazing.  She was so thrilled.  All I could do was smile (I don't dare laugh, it would hurt her feelings).  I offered her my hand and off we went.

And as I walked through Shopper's Drug Mart with my own personal rainbow running ahead of me, I realized how much I had changed.  I wasn't worried about the fact that she didn't match.  I didn't care that she had ketchup on her face, and her hair wasn't brushed. 

I don't want to stop her.  I want her to feel free to pair her green with her purple.  I want her to wear her high heels with her nightgowns.  She makes me smile, and she makes me laugh.  She reminds me of what it felt like when I was a kid, and I had my favorite clothes.  I had a satin green jacket and brown zipper boots with a tiny heel.  I loved them.  I would have worn them every day if I could. 

So, when my lovely wants to wear her zombie t-shirt with her crinoline skirt, I won't stop her.  I don't care what people think. 
If you see me out and about, and there is fuchsia, neon ball of energy hovering near me, just smile and say hi to my baby girl.

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "no limitations".

Friday, August 12, 2011

Beautiful Day

Lately I have been listening to 97.3, BOOM.  It is a good mix of 70's, 80's and 90's music.  They play alot of Duran Duran and Alanis Morrisette, but I hear alot of songs that I haven't heard in a long time. 

The other day, I was driving around with the kids, just cruising and listening to the radio.  "Beautiful Day" by U2 came on.

I am not really a U2 fan.  I don't dislike them, I am just not a raving lunatic for them, like some people I know.  I like some of their older stuff, like from Joshua Tree.  That's the stuff I heard when I was younger.

But Beautiful Day is different. 

About 11 years, my family went through a really hard time.  The worst that we have ever weathered.  Some of you know, some of you don't and that's fine.  I will spoil the ending for you- everything turns out ok.  From the view of a decade later, I can honestly say that even though it was one of the worst things I have ever lived through, it was also something that saved our family. I don't know where we would be, if it hadn't happened.  I think he would have been lost to us, very possibly literally.  But as it is, he is with us, alive and well, and I am so happy and grateful for it.

Anyway, when we were in the middle of the shitstorm, it was difficult to function on a daily basis.  My mom and dad were a wreck and I couldn't help.  Geoff didn't know what to do for me.  I couldn't speak to anyone without welling up, or breaking right down.  I really just wanted to pull the covers over my head and never see the light of day.

One day, I was driving home from work.  Geoff and I were living on Glenholme at the time, and had just moved in that May.  I was still working at the Parks, and I think Geoff was at Dufferin Games.   I was driving home, hardly concentrating on the road, just caught up in thoughts and wishes and hopes.  I actually enjoyed being at work, because it gave me something different to think about.  For 8 hours, I could pretend that all was well.  Some nights, I dreaded going home.

As I was driving that night, a song came on the radio.

"The heart is a bloom
Shoots up through the stony ground..."

I don't usually hear the words to songs.  Not at first.  It's the tune that catches me, the melody.  Something catchy, melancholy, haunting.  Something about the music is what I hear first.

But in this case, I heard the words.  And I understood.  It's about having the worst day of your life, and still knowing that it was a beautiful day.  About how bad it can get, and still seeing all the good.

Right then and there, I made a promise to myself.  I promised myself that I would never again cry over what was happening.  I knew there was more to come, and that it could get worse, much worse.  But I wasn't gonna cry.  I was going to look for my beautiful day.  I was going to cling to what was wonderful and the gifts that I still had.  I could see him, talk to him.  He wasn't dead.  Nothing is final.  Hope is everything.

So, from that day to this, I haven't cried about it.  Oh sure, I might get misty or well up when I talk about it.  I don't talk about it often.  I think I have only told a handful of people about it, that weren't present in my life at the time.  I'm not saying that it doesn't shake me to the core when I think about what might have been.  But I don't cry.  No sobs, no heartbreak.  Not since that day. 

So, whenever I hear this song, I am back there.  In the car.  Heartsick, but still having a beautiful day.

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "nostalgia".


I am normally very good at reading a book start to finish before I start a new one.  But lately, I have had trouble focussing and sticking to a book.  As a result, I have multiple books on the go this summer.  Here are a few that I am actively reading right now, either as a book or on my Kindle.

A Stolen Life- Jaycee Dugard
Good, I read it in a night.  It wasn't too graphic, although there were some disturbing parts (when he first takes her on a crank "run").  She writes like I imagine she talks, and while it skips around and sometimes changes topics suddenly, it seems very real.  I enjoyed it.

Death of a Thousand Cuts- Barbara D'Amato
My mom lent me this book, just a paperback.  It deals with a murder of a doctor who dealt with autistic kids for years and the truth behind his "miracles".  Pretty easy read, but interesting with the autism aspect.

The Happiness Project- Gretchen Rubin
Val lent this to me.  It took me a while to get into it, but I am really enjoying it now.  It is very inspiring.  A woman gives herself a year to figure out what makes her happy.  Each month is dedicated to a different subject- family, order, spirituality.  While I might not tackle a year, I am definitely taking some of it and incorporating it into my life.

Be the Pack Leader- Cesar Milan
I have said it before, I will say it again.  I love Cesar Milan.  I love his message and the underlying spirituality in it.  A good read, even if you aren't a dog lover.

Lighten Up- Lorretta Laroche
I just got this book yesterday, at the Power of Women conference in Toronto.  She was a speaker there, and quite honestly, the most engaging person we listened to (sorry, Ellen!).  I am looking forward to delving into this one.

Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone- J.K Rowling
Oldie but a goodie.  With the last movie coming out, I thought it would be good to read the series over again. 

Nerd Do Well- Simon Pegg
It's his autobiography, but how much is true, I don't know.  It is funny, just like him.  I haven't gotten too far in it, but it is good, so far.

Bite Me- Christopher Moore
Geoff just bought this for me on the weekend, and I have read the first chapter.  I liked the one book I read, "Coyote Blue".  Hope it's good.

Full Dark No Stars- Stephen King
I had read the first 3 stories, and missed the last one.  Just finished it.  It was really good!  I love Stephen King.  The last story was about a lady that finds out her husband is a serial killer.  So good.

I think there might be a couple more books on the go, but since I don't seem to recall them off the top of my head, I mustn't be that into them.  No wonder my mind feels all bouncy and all over the place.  My goal for the summer is to finish all of these, so that I can focus on one thing at a time.  Wish me luck.

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "need to focus".

Summer List Update #3

1. Take the kids to the beach at least once.
2. Go to the Zoo.
3. Use our season passes to Zooz like crazy.  Get our money's worth and more.
4. Have family BBQ's at least once a month.
5. Have a blast at our White Trash party.
6. Sleep in the tent with the kids...even if it is just in the backyard.
7. Keep the grass and the hedge trimmed and neat.
8. Plant flowers.
9. Make salsa from ingredients I have grown in my garden.
10. Play outside...A LOT!!
11. Get a pool for the kids.   But mainly for me. :)
12. Ride a roller coaster.
13. Make suntea.
14. Go to a carnival.  Play bingo.  Eat burgers and cotton candy.
15. Ride a horse.
16. Run through the sprinkler with the kids.
17. Walk on the treadmill every day.
18. Reconnect with an old friend.
19. Take lots of pictures.
20. Play hookie from work, for one afternoon.
21. Get a tattoo.
22. Get a pedicure.
23. Have a sleep over with Sawyer in her bed.
24. Have a day of fun with Sebastian- just me and him.
25. Same thing as above, with Sawyer.
26. See Gage graduate from Grade 8.
27. Clean up Grandma and Grandpa's grave.  Plant flowers for them.
28. Go down a waterslide.
29. Play baseball.
30. Get a sunburn (not a bad one, just enought for freckles.)
31. Go fishing with Dad.
32. Have beers on a patio
33. Wash the cars.
34. Find fireflies.
35. Go garagesale-ing.
36. Go to the drive-in, eat tons of popcorn and junk.
37. Find a dog park for Axle, and let him go crazy.
38. Go on a road trip.  Even if it is just a day.
39. Watch fireworks.
40. Eat watermelon with Sebastian.
41. Have the driveway covered with drawings in sidewalk chalk.  Courtesy of Miss Sawyer.
42. Teach Axle to catch a frisbee.
43. Laugh so hard I cry.  And maybe pee a little.
44. Sit by a fire, making spider dogs.
45. Have fresh flowers in my house, as often as I can.
46. Fly a kite.
47. Buy good sandals.
48. Take a nap, even if the laundry isn't done and the dishes are dirty.
49. Sleep in.  But not on the same day as #48.
50. Read an awesome book.  Share it with everyone

Small Things

There is a blog that I follow nearly every day.  I wanted to post it here, so that some of you can enjoy it too.  It might not be your cup of tea.  But I love it, it speaks to me.

Check out Small Things.  It's worth your while.

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for new blog.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

42. Teach Axle to catch a frisbee.

Actually, it wasn't me.  Carrie threw the frisbee.  Axle did the rest.

8. Plant flowers.

25. Have a day of fun with Sawyer- just me and her.

Sebastian enjoyed a weekend of one on one time with Grammie and Papa.  On the Civic Holiday, August 1, Sawyer and I were going to enjoy a day together.  I thought it would be a good time to try the beach, since she had been asking all summer.  Geoff had an unexpected work free day, so he joined us for a day of fun.

It was a great, relaxing day.  Sun burns, sandy toes.  Sawyer was a doll and enjoyed 5 rides on the Port Dalhousie Carousel. 

I can't wait to do it again.