"Change, when it comes, cracks everything open."
Dorothy Allen

Friday, January 21, 2011

What do I want?

- I want to live a life of peace and happiness.
- I want to live surrounded by the sounds of nature, children laughing, water splashing and other sounds to sooth me inside and out
- I want to sleep in, every once in a while
- I want my kids to be active and healthy, to play outside in a yard, to build snowmen and sand castles
- I want to be beautiful
- I want to laugh so hard that my stomach hurts.  I want that every day.
- I want to bake fresh bread every week.  I want to cook a big family dinner every Sunday.  I want to bake pies and cookies.  I want to host dinner parties, with appetizers and desserts.
- I want to decorate for every holiday.
- I want to live on a farm.
- I want to never feel inferior.  To anyone.
- I want my house to be clean and organized, but comfortable and welcoming.
- I want Sebastian to learn and grow and continue to improve.
- I want to keep catching stars with Sawyer, and putting them in our backpacks.
- I want another dog.  As good as Axle.
- I want to make a living doing something I am proud of, and something I love.  I want to never hate my job.  I want to be creative and smart and in charge.
- I want to live stress free.  I want laugh lines, not wrinkles.
- I want to be surrounded by friends and family.  I want quiet times at home.  I want alone time.  I want them all, in equal measure.
- I want to take a vacation in the sun.
- I want to have a huge garden, and the time and energy to take care of it. I want to make pickles, and jam, and my own pesto and salsa. 
- I want to listen to Johnny Cash, and drive around, and eat ice cream and slurpees.
- I want to be so very happy, that I am thankful every day.
- I want love, love, love.
- I want pizza and wings.  And diet Pepsi.

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "new year".

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Kettle Ball'd!!

As everyone who reads this knows, I have been trying to get a bit healthier.  I have started running again, on a treadmill, with a girl I work with, Val.  Val has been really good about it, and I have been a bit slack.  My goal is to finish the Week 5 of the program by the end of the month.  I missed a couple of runs this week.  Monday I missed because...well, I don't remember why.  I think it was just the overwhelming fatigue that I have been feeling lately.  It doesn't seem like I can get enough sleep. Ever.  Anyway, I didn't want to get up early, so I didn't.  :)  Fun.

Wednesday I missed because of my kettlebell class.  Actually, I missed it because of the fact that my back stopped working, due to the kettlebell class.

So, back in December, there was a Groupon for a kettlebell class at Make it Happen.  I don't remember the deal, but it was crazy awesome.  I got it, and so did Val.  With the holidays and everything else, we didn't get a chance to start until this week.  I chose Tuesdays and Thursdays, the 515pm  class.  This would work with running on Mondays, Tuesdays and Fridays.  There is even a Saturday kettlebell, if I was feeling particularily ambitious.
Since Val can't start until next week, I ventured in by myself on Tuesday.  Of course, I was nervous and awkward, but Jennifer, the owner and trainer, was very nice, and helped get me settled.  There was another couple of girls that were new too.  There was a student assistant there, who helped us learn how to swing the kettle bell, a straight swing, an alternate swing and a swing above your head (I don't remember what that is called.) We warmed up, and I was already sweating.  :)  Still excited at this point.

These are Kettlebells.
More and more people trickled in, including a guy that I knew from high school.  He has been posting about kettlebell, and he has lost 40 pounds in 3 months.  I couldn't help but notice that most of the people coming in were young (well, younger than me) and thin.  Yikes.  Intimidation factor is now up x3.   But still good.
Eventually the class gets going, about 10 minutes later than usual, becuase of all the newbies getting in and getting set up.  Jennifer explains the class, how there will be 4 "cardio blast" sections.  Each cardioblast consists of 5 exercises, which we will do for 30 seconds each, repeated twice, for a total of 5 minutes.  Ok, sounds good, sounds totally doable.

And then it started.

Most of it is a blur of pain and sweat and heaving breath.  I did kickbacks, and jump squats, and mountain climbers and burpies.  I did planks, and ab work, and swung the kettlebell for all I was worth.  I actually thought I was going to throw up at one point, and got really light headed at another.  It was probably the hardest that I have worked in years.  I felt a true sense of accomplishment when it was done, but man- it kicked my ass. 

At points during the class, I was getting discouraged and a little embarrassed by things I couldn't do.  I started feeling old, and horrible.  Started thinking-seriously- about quitting.  But then I looked around.  Those young, university girls were blowing just as hard as I was.  They had dropped to their knees during the planks too.  They were running in place slow like me.  It made me feel a bit better and made me keep going.  I am sure they will improve much faster than I will.  But right now, that doesn't matter.

So.  I was supposed to go back tonight, but since this morning, I have had difficulty touching my own head, and I brushed my teeth by leaning into my hand and moving my head back and forth.  So, I thought, for my own piece of mind and health, I should probably wait another day.

But something that hard, has to be good for you.  It has to work.  It has to.

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "new experiences".

Sunday, January 9, 2011

A tangled web

So, I saw someone the other day.  I was eating lunch at Tim Horton's, having my typical soup and bagel combo with green tea, and I saw him in line.  Someone I haven't seen in about 15 years.  Someone I cared about.  Someone I still think about, from time to time.

I don't think he saw me, or at least, he didn't give any indication that he did.  He placed his order, got it and left. 

I missed parts of my conversation, because I watched him go.

So now, of course, I keep remembering.  And thinking.

Don't get me wrong.  I love my life.  I love Geoff, and my kids and my home and where and what I am.  But of course, you can't help but wonder "What if?"  Especially if that "what if" walked right by you with his double-double in hand.

Of all the boys that I have known, this was the one that I think might have really cared about me, if given half the chance.  Nothing really every happened between us.  But I remember people telling me that they hadn't ever seen him act this way before with a girl.  That he would ask about me.  That he was different around me. 

I guess it wasn't the right time, or wasn't meant to be.  I was very unsure around boys back then, not willing to put anything out there, unless I was sure I was getting something back.  I never really believed that someone liked me- why would they??  My self doubt made me miss opportunities, or not even see them at all.

But I remember meeting him, the first time.  He let me wear his leather jacket, because I was cold.  He shared a beer with me.  I think we held hands.  Nothing more. 

I heard, about a year ago, about a conversation that he had had fairly recently with someone.  He had been a bit down, and was talking about how all his friends were married, with kids, and yet he wasn't.  He didn't expect that to ever change.  When they tried to cheer him up, and tell him that he could meet someone, that things could get better, he said " I had my chances.  All the good ones are taken."

Sometimes, in my more vain moments, I wonder if I am included in that thought.

Anyway, the other day, I saw a boy I once knew.

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "Not taken".  Of course, I am refering to that famous road....

Broken Heart

Sebastian has a heart murmur.  If you have read my earlier blogs, you know all about this. On Wednesday, we had an appointment for an echo cardiogram.  This is essentially an ultrasound of the heart.  His new pediatrician thought the sound of the murmur was a bit different than most of the normal "innocent" murmurs, so he wanted to get a better look at it. 
Knowing Sebastian like I do, I opted for sedation during the procedure.  I wasn't sure what that would consist of, and pretty much thought it would likely be an I.V.  But the other option, of going in cold, wasn't going to get us anywhere.  I knew he would fight it, we wouldn't get any results, and he would be traumatized for the next time we tried it. So, sedation, whatever the method, was the only way to go.

Geoff had to work that day, and since he is new, and the vacation booking procedure there is wacky, he couldn't get time off.  I asked my mom to come and help- most medical procedures with Bastian are a 2 man job.  As it is, I am so glad she came. 
We headed to the hospital for 8:30, straight down to the paeds wing, where they were planning on sedating him.  We got really lucky, and had a very nice nurse named Michelle.  She got us in our room (there were no other kids, which was nice), weighed and measured Sebastian.  When she tried to do his blood pressure and blood oxygen, he got agitated, so she decided that she could do it later.  I love people like that- that use common sense. 
She asked Sebastian if he liked movies, and of course, he does.  He said he liked Finding Nemo, so they found a VHS copy, and wheeled in a TV and VCR for him to watch.  He was thrilled!  While he was watching, she brought in his sedation.  Thank the Lord, it was just liquid!  This kid can do liquid medication in his sleep.  She was nervous that he wouldn't take it, because apparently it tastes awful.  My mom said when they give it to adults, they tell them to take it like a shot, because the taste is so strong.  But my super trooper kid downed it no problem.  :)

She gave him 45 minutes to fall asleep.  That would take us to 9:30, which is when his appointment was scheduled for. If he wasn't asleep by then, she would bring in another half dose, and that should hopefully do the trick.

So, after 45 minutes of Sebastian flipping up and down and all over on the bed, getting up, getting down, talking, dozing, and then walking himself back up again, she did need to come in and give him a second dose.  He fell asleep about 10 minutes after that dose.  I notified the nurse, and she let the doctor know that we were good to go. 
I had to go up and register him, and my mom stayed with him, as they moved him to ultrasound.  I caught up with them a few minutes later, and we got settled in our ultrasound room. 

The paeds nurse was there, and was trying to talk the ultrasound tech into trying to do the ultrasound with Sebastian sleeping on his side.  He is a side sleeper, usually curled up into a little ball, as tight as he can get.  Unfortunately, for this test, he needs to be flat on his back, with his shirt wide open.  We tried to flip him a couple of times, and finally, I got him over, and resting. Still asleep...phew.  Only problem was the doctor wasn't there yet, and nothing started until he was. 

We waited about 15 minutes for him, before he finally came in.  I was starting to get really nervous.  Sebastian had received his sedation dose about an hour and a half earlier, and I knew it wouldn't last forever.  I needed this kid to sleep.  As soon as the doctor came in, the tech started attaching electrodes and getting the ultrasound ready.  She sensed my urgency, and worked as quickly as she could.

Sebastian laid on his back for about 7 or 8 minutes, and then tried to curl up on his side again.  Every time, I would try and flip him back onto his back.  He would last a minute or 2, and then curl up again.  Then he started opening his eyes.  Just for a minute or 2.  But I knew- our window of opportunity was coming to a close.  I eventually moved to the other side of the gurney, to try and work on getting him to lay down from that angle.

The doctor was very thorough.  But the whole procedure was exceedingly slow.  Or at least it felt that way to me.  But I couldn't stop myself from watching his heart on the ultrasound monitor.  I thought to myself  "This is what keeps my son alive.  And something is wrong with it."
 I watched as intently as I could, not knowing what it was specifically that I was seeing, but trying to see what was wrong.  Every time they showed the valves of his heart, I held my breath a little, until I could see them working.

When they tried to get a lower angle on his heart, to come up under his rib cage, that was when he had finally had enough.  He pushed the tech away, and flipped to his stomach.  He started to truly wake up, and searched me out. 

"No more Mommy, no more." 
I grabbed his arms, hard enough to leave bruises, and tried to keep my face and voice soft. 
"Mommy and Grammie are here, buddy, but you have to let them finish."
Push, pull, lift, tug.
"Mommy, get off me, get off me!"
Under his arms, flip him over.  Telling my mom to grab  his legs.  No, don't grab them, lay on them.  Hold him down. Praying for the doctor to finish up, as they back off and watch this unfold.  They can't work on him like this, and I can't control him.  He is drugged and confused and oh so strong. 
I want to stop, and give up.. 

A new nurse comes in, this is the one who is going to do the EKG that the doctor just ordered.  She looks at the scenario, my mom laying on his lower half, me, sweaty and disheveled, holding his upper body down.  She looks at the doctor and shakes her head.  She can't do it.  The doctor tells her to try, to not make this fight be for nothing. 

I managed, at this point, to get a decent hold on him.  I am looming above his head.  I have my hands locked around his biceps, and I use my forearms to hold his shoulders down.  I use my own head, to push his back into the mattress.  I can't even lift my eyes to see what is happening.  I can see stickers and clamps being attached to his chest and stomach, and his hands are moving constantly, pulling, searching, ripping.  She gets them all attached and scrambles to run the test, even for a second.  A second is all she gets, and Sebastian has 2 of the clamps in his hand.  No one knows if the test has worked, but it was the only shot we got.  She pulled the clamps off, and leaves the stickers.  And then she leaves. 

Sebastian makes everyone laugh for a second, when he yells "I don't want to play anymore." 
So like him to think we are trying to play.  That this is just another stupid game that mommy wants me to try, that I don't get and don't like. 

The Doctor looks at me and tells me he needs 5 minutes.  5 more minutes and he can get the last 2 views he needs.  I look at my mom, who nods and starts to hold his legs down again.  I get a grip, one last time.  His back bows up, and he fights.  I am sweaty and his skin is slick, and so hard to hold.  I find a good grip and get him locked down.  I look at the doctor, who isn't moving.  Why isn't he jumping on this?  Why isn't he doing anything?  I realize they want him calm.  It's an impossible request at this point. 

Sebastian is emitting a high pitch squeal- it's not a cry or a scream even, just an animal noise of distress. I grab the loops in his jeans, and now have him locked in.  I put my forehead on his and start talking.  I tell him to breathe, deep breaths.  In and out.  I blow my breath in his face.  For a second, he stops.  He relaxes.  Only for a second.  But that's all I need.  I know what to do now.  In and out, buddy.  Deep breaths.  In.......Out.......blow. 


Slowly, he calms.  He stops crying.  His eyes droop.

As soon as this happens, the tech and the doctor jump.  They see the window.  They are going to use it. 

Soon enough, they are done.  Sebastian doesn't exactly sleep though it, but he does well enough.  When it's done, they let him pull the stickers off his body.  Ever polite, he mumbles "Thank you, doctor" as we are wheeled out of the room.  I make eye contact with everyone, and thank them for their patience.  They thank me back.

Back in the room, Sebastian falls almost instantly asleep, deeply and peacefully.  Michelle, our nurse, takes his blood pressure, which is normal and fine, considering the fight he just put up.  My mom and I, both exhausted, rest.  We wait for the doctor to tell us what they saw.  I share with my mom that I heard the ultrasound tech say "aneurysm."  She confides that she was amazed at how strong Sebastian is, and that she had no idea that it could be like that.   And Sebastian sleeps on.

After about 40 minutes, the doctor comes in and give me the verdict.  Mitral valve prolapse.  Basically, he has a leaky heart.  The valve on the left side of his heart lets some blood back though, even though it is only supposed to flow one way. 

He draws me a picture, literally, to show me what it is.  There are no restrictions, no medications.  We will have to see a pediatric heart specialist at McMaster to help monitor it, but other than that, we can go home. 

My mother seems relieved.  Says this is very common, she sees many people with this diagnosis.  We let Sebastian sleep another 10 minutes or so, and then wake him up.  He acts like he's drunk, can't stand or walk well, so he gets to ride a wheelchair out.   We run into Aunt Laurie on the way out, who is sympathetic to the poor boy.

We drop grammie at home, then head home ourselves.  Sawyer stays with Papa, so that we can rest.  On the way home, Sebastian suddenly exclaims that he can't see.  I immediately jump to worse possible scenario and assume the sedation has stricken him blind (similar to soap poisoning in "A Christmas Story").  What he means however, is that he doesn't have his glasses. This made me laugh right out loud, mostly at myself.
I realize they got left in Grammie's purse.  Once we are home, I call and let them know to drop them off, if they are out and about. 

I get Drunky Drunkerton up to my room, and into his pyjamas and bed.  He is sleepy, but goofy too.  My dad makes it over in record time, and comes up to visit.  I know it is hard for my dad to see Sebastian like that, out of sorts and not himself.  The real hardship came when my dad said he was going to go, and Sebastian said,
"Don't go, Papa.  Stay.  You are my friend."

My dad blubbered his way out the door.  :)

So now, things are back to normal.  Our new normal.  Where I know my son's heart is a little bit broken. 

Mine is too.  A little.  But we will deal and heal together.  Like always.

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "never ends."

Monday, January 3, 2011

Resolve..it ain't just for cleaning anymore

OK, resolution time. Short, sweet and to the point.

1. Obviously, will lose weight.  No target, just some.  I want to be happy in my skin.  Well, at least happier.
2. Run a 5k.  I have shelved the running for the winter, but will come back to it in the spring.  I am running a race this year if it kills me.
3. Go on a family vacation.  I don't care where.  I don't care for how long.  But I resolve this every year, to make sure that it is something I do.  Building memories.
4. Get Sebastian help.  That means get him in therapy, keep going with the diet, get excited about new things to try. 
5. Get Sawyer potty trained.   We are well on our way, just keep going.
6. Finish one room in the house.  Either the bedroom, or the bathroom.  They are the most likely to get done. 
7. Spend more quality time with the kids.  So much of my time with them is taken up with "have to's".  I want to make sure that the time with them is good time.
8. Speak my mind more.  I internalize so much.  It's not good for me.  Things don't change.  But this doesn't mean that I get to just lip off and say whatever I want.  To many people use the fact that they are "honest to a fault" to be assholes.  Just cause you think it, doesn't mean you have to say it, or that you can't say it nicely.  But there are things that I think about that I should be sharing with others, and I will try to do that more.
9. Focus on the important things in my life.  Work gets too much of my time.  It doesn't deserve it.  My family, my photos, my hobbies- they deserve my time, and they are going to get it.
10. Laugh- every single day. 
11. Swear less.  This is going to be the hardest.  Sheesh.
12. Simplify.  My life, my schedule, my house- everywhere, in every way possible.  I want to minimize my stress, and maximize my enjoyment of life.  And I need to cut out the bullshit crap to do it.  (See!!  I told you it would be hard!!!)

Ok, this is it for now.  Wish me luck! 

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for the new me.

1 year down

January 2nd was the one year anniversary of my furry baby, Axle, joining our family.  I love this frigging dog so much.  And he loves me.

He is exactly the kind of dog I always wanted growing up, but never really had.  He adores me.  He follows me around and sleeps on the bed with me.  He listens when I tell him things.  He is well trained, even if he has goofy moments when he decides not to listen.  He will play fetch for hours (literally), but when I want a cuddle, he will climb right up in my lap. 

He has the most beautiful brown eyes.  He smiles when I talk to him. 

He is infinitely patient with my kids.  Sawyer feeds him one piece of food at a time, and he just sits and waits for her to finish.  She floats boats in his water dish.  He just drinks around it.  She hugs him, and wants to dress him up.  He lets her....within reason.  Sebastian wants to pet him, sometimes.  Axle will let him, whenever that might be. 

The day I brough him home, I made a promise to him.  As we pulled away from the house he was living in, I swore to him that he could stay with us forever.  He ain't going anywhere. 

Somebody once told me that they believed rescue animals remember the rescue.  This girl had rescued a cat, and the cat was her baby.  I think that's true.  I think Axle remembers what it was like, and he remembers that I was the one that brough him out, brought him home, and loved him.  That's why he loves me back, so much.

He and the cat are friends. Now.  It took about 10 months for Morph to actually come around.  But Axle fights his natural urge to chase him, and lets the cat do whatever he wants.  They actually sleep together now.  It is the freaking cutest thing ever.  It makes me so happy.

When I brought him home, he was threadbare, and worn down.  He was only 2, but we were his 5th owners.  He had no winter coat, because he never went outside.  You could count his ribs.  He slept in a cage, on a blanket that reeked of cat piss.  There was no leash, I walked him with a jump rope, the first time I saw him (the day before I actually brought him home).  His toys were tupperware lids. 

He has come so far.  I am so glad I have him in my life.  I needed him, as much as he needed me.  He made our little family complete.

Love you, Axle Bear.  Happy birthday.

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for natural, just like me and him.

N is for Neglectful

So it has been just about forever since the last time I blogged.  Actually, it was Christmas Eve, so about a week and a half.

Holidays were great.  Quick recap. 

Christmas morning, we do our little family stuff.  We checked to see if Santa/Magic Christmas Pony had come to eat the cookies and chicken fingers.  Sebastian was amazed to see that they were, indeed, gone.  His reaction might have been one of the coolest things of the entire day.  Then we troupe downstairs to see what Santa/MCP has left for us.  Geoff had plugged in the tree and turned on the fireplace, so it was very nice.  Sawyer got a car, one of the ones that you propel with your feet.  She was so excited, she tried to climb in through the windshield.  Sebastian got a cool fort kit, so you can build awesome forts with blankets and stuff.  He was a little unsure about it, but Sawyer promptly tried to drive her car right into it.  Then we opened stockings and presents.  Geoff got me a Kindle, but it is on back order, so I haven't gotten it yet.  Can't wait!  I got him tickets to see the Headstones in St. Catharines, and he seemed pretty happy with that.  We got a bunch more stuff too, all great.
I went up to cook breakfast, and my mom and dad and brother came over.  We gave them their gifts and they seemed to love them all.  I know my parents were very surprised to get gifts, I think they always expect that I am actually going to listen and not get them anything.  Just an FYI, that will probably never happen. :)  We all ate breakfast and had a nice visit.  My Mom and Dad got me a breadmaker, with a gluten free option that I am super stoked about, and I can't wait to try!!  We also got money and tons of other stuff.

After that, we had a little down time, so we tidied up, and Sawyer had a nice nap.  When she got up, we hustled over to Geoff's Aunt's house, and visited with Aunt Laurie and Uncle Dave, Katie and Brendan.  Aunt Shelia, Uncle Mark and Kaylee came over right after us, so we got to see them too.  I always forget how gorgeous Kaylee is, and how sweet.  It is always a treat to see her.  Katie was super hospitable, and everyone was very lovely to us and the kids.  We could only stay a little while, since we had dinner planned at my parents.

It was just us for dinner, but my Mom did the whole meal up, just like I like it.  Turkey, stuffing, the works!!  So great.  I ate until I felt sick, then brought some home.  It was a relatively early night, since we were all exhausted.
Boxing Day- we did breakfast at my Mom's, as we do every year.  My Aunt Barb and Dennis were there, and my dad's friend Ron, too.  It was nice to visit for a bit.  After that, we headed home.  Geoff dropped me off, then he and the kids went to his parents, where we were doing Christmas and dinner that afternoon.  I made a broccoli salad, and threw in some laundry.  I packed the gifts in the car, grabbed the salad and headed out.
I got to Kit and Kathy's shortly after Holly, Eric and boys arrived.  We went in, visited for a bit, then got down to gifts.  The kids got super spoiled!!  They both got clothes, and toys and books, and tons of things!  We draw names for the adults.  We drew Holly and Eric.  We are still getting to know Eric, so I had to solicit help from Holly for him.  Unfortunately, we realized that we had left one of Eric's gifts at home, and as it turns out, it was his favorite.  He is a Star Trek nerd, and we got him an Enterprise.  Geoff ran home and got it, and Eric promptly took it out and played with it! :)  I am just glad he liked it.  We also got him an Adventure Smartbox.  I hope he enjoys that too.  Holly can be stressful to buy for as well.  She isn't a fan of knick knacks and clutter, and she has very specific taste in a lot of things.  Without a list to go by, we were flying blind a bit.  But I think we did alright, with some books (one of which she had- but loved! So I was on the right track!), a cat decoration for her garden, a dress maker manniquin decoration and something else that I can't remember right now.  She had my name, and I love my gifts- a beautiful, but creepy, piece of art, a beautfiul necklace and a Stephen King book, that I can't wait to read.

After that, we had dinner, and relaxed.  It was nice to get together..even though we live about 5 minutes apart, it isn't often that we are all together like that.  Gage brought a bunch of his stuff from the Harry Potter Univeral Park, and it was fantastically cool.  What I really liked, though, was that he wanted to share that with us.  I know he is getting older, so times to connect with him will be on short supply.  I enjoyed this one.

I was off the next 2 days.  I ended up working through the one though, to try and get caught up from missing 4 days of work. I worked from home for 2 of the days, trying to get some stuff done, and keep my head above water.  I had to work a 2am-10am shift on Friday- New Year's Eve- to complete a task that was done by our old boss.  Of course, nothing worked properly, and everything was crazy, and I was super tired.  I worked until 10am, then packed it in for the day. 
I headed home, got a bit of sleep, then went out, got some snacks and groceries, then went to my mom's to pick up the kids, who had spent the night.  My brother made his awesome pizza, and even made some cheeseless, gluten free stuff for Sebastian.  I gathered the kids, and made my way home. 
We had been invited to a couple of different parties for New Years, but couldn't attend, so we opted for the Chinese food and movies at home option.  Joel and Carrie and their little ones came by.  We exchanged gifts and ate good food, and watched some TV.  Carrie and I had some drinks and we were all awake to ring in the new year. 

New Year's Day was filled with cleaning, and laundry.  My goal was to get all the Christmas stuff put away, but I ened up just trying to tidy everything up, after a week of everyone being home.

So, that was my holidays.  Pretty good on the whole.  I am sad that they are over, but I am trying to be positive and look forward to 2011.  I am hoping good things are coming.   I hope that for all of you as well.

Happy New Year!
Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for...oh, just read the title.