"Change, when it comes, cracks everything open."
Dorothy Allen

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Sleepin' on the cheap

Wow, it's been a while since I blogged.  Before we went away on vacation last week, G and I took the kidlets out on the town, to a hotel and a waterpark. 
  For those that don't know, every year, a bunch of the hotels in Niagara Falls offer a bunch of rooms super cheap.  The money goes to local charities, and all the local people get to have fun and stay at hotels that we wouldn't normally stay at or know about.  Geoff and I always try to pick one that has a water park.  This year, we got the Skyline Inn and the Fallsview Waterpark.

Sawyer and Geoff at dinner

Me and the kid at dinner
 So, we headed down to Clifton Hill.  We checked into our hotel, which was pretty cool.  They have courtyards set up, with an open area, and 2 levels of rooms facing in on it.  We dropped off our stuff, and headed out.  We went to Botson Pizza for dinner.  Sebastian was super stoked because from our seat, he could look across the street and see the Count (the vampire on the Count Dracula Haunted House sign).  We ate a really cool meal, lots of yumminess. 
Sebastian leaning over to see the Count.
After dinner, Sawyer and I had decided to go on the big Ferris wheel.  Sebastian wasn't interested at all, and Geoff is funny with heights.  So, the girl and I decided to take it on.  She liked it, but got bored quickly.  It was really, really high, so I got a little tingly in the tummy a couple of times, but it was ok and fun.
Sawyer on the Ferris Wheel
After the Ferris Wheel, we went into the arcade and played a bunch of games.  The kids ran around like crazy and had some fun.  When it came to prizes, Sebastian picked out a cool stuffed animal.   Sawyer decided that all she wanted was 2 purple shoes- that is purple croc keychains.  She got them, and was thrilled.  
After that, we went to the hotel.  They had a cool event, where they would show movies in the courtyard.   That night, they were showing Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs.  Kids would go in their pj's, with their pillows and blankies.  Sebastian and Sawyer went right up front, and snuggled in.  It was very fun and very cool. 
Movie at the hotel
After that, we headed back to the room and bed.  Bastian crashed early, Sawyer took a bit longer, and I followed right along behind. 

The next morning, we met my mom and dad at the Perkins restaurant for breakfast.  It was lovely and delicous.  Then we headed to the waterpark.
Both the kids had a blast.  I picked fights with an 8 year old and a 10 year old.  I'm not even sorry, because I thought they were picking on Sebastian.  The little girl (8 year old) looked like she was going to cry.  The 10 year old boy was just a dick.  I am still not sorry. 

 Anyway, Sebastian gets tired pretty easy, so we took quite a few breaks.  Poor Geoff got stuck with the crazy Sawyer, as she ran all over and played and played and played.  But it was a fun day, and I am glad we went.

Sebastian posing with his sister, ready for the picture
Sawyer, unhappy and yelling
Already looking forward to next year :)

Rosie N. Grey

The N stands for "Niagara Falls fun night!"

Dinner Time Shenanigans

Meal time is always an adventure here.  Sebastian won't eat veggies, anything smooth or creamy, anything with sauce, anything too hot, etc, etc.  Sawyer won't eat meat, needs to have ketchup for pretty much everything (including dessert) and will at time arbitrarily decide to not eat anything at all. 

Tonight, Geoff made a really nice dinner- ham, mashed potatoes, raw veggies with dip.  Sebastian ate the ham.  Sawyer however, was not happy with the food selection.  She had set the table- with paper plates, soup spoons and an ice cream scoop.  She decided that she wanted ice cream for dinner.  Nothing else would do. 

I had a stroke of genius.  I took the ice cream scoop, and scooped up some mashed potatoes.  I put it on her plate, all rounded and nice.  I told her it was white (aka vanilla) ice cream. 

 Geoff laughed convinced this wouldn't work, and for a while it was touch and go.  She was angry that we didn't have black (aka chocolate) ice cream.  She cried at that, but didn't blink when I suggested that she put butter on her ice cream.

Finally, after some whining and carrying on, she decided to sample her food.  Using the ice cream scoop, she started by licking the butter only, then gradually moving on to the potatoes. 

Her final verdict?  "This isn't bad.  Dinner isn't yucky!"  All with the amazement and enthusiasum of a 3-year old.

Dinner isn't yucky!  Win!
Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "nom nom".

Monday, November 28, 2011


I am back from a week's vacation.

I will get into the details of the trip in other posts- I am far too tired to do it now.  Suffice it to say that the trip was lovely, no drama, wonderful weather and fantastic company. 

We were busy every day, walking and visiting, and sightseeing.  But we were also taking time to relax a bit.  I got a couple of sleep-in days, and a bit of a tan.

I missed my babies like crazy.  Every time we did something, I would think about how much Sebastian or Sawyer would have loved to see/hear/taste whatever it was that we were seeing/hearing/tasting.  As I got news from home about them through the week, my heart would ache a little and I would begin to wish for home.

However, when the week came to a close, I was reluctant to leave the warm weather, and the overall attitude of the island.  Everything is very laid back and casual.  Even for me, who thinks and worries about work almost constantly from morning to night, I relaxed and stopped.  I didn't worry about work.  I didn't think about the overtime I was missing.  Until the 2nd to last day, I didn't worry about the emails piling up, and the inevitable changes that were taking place, that I would have to catch up on. 

Instead, I lived in the moment, experiencing a different culture, trying different foods and activities. 

And now that I am back??  I am trying to adjust.  Today was hard.  I wanted to cry a lot.  I feel overwhelmed and discouraged.  It is hard to be motivated to learn and try and complete these increasingly difficult tasks.  My dissatisfaction with the daily grind is back and worse than ever. 

My vacation was wonderful.  My goal now is to make my life as wonderful as the vacation, every single day.

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "next vacation, please."

Never, never, never

Tonight, Geoff and the kidlets and I were walking around the mall, beginning our Christmas shopping.  While we were window shopping, we walked past Green Earth.  They can sometimes have really cool things, and sometimes not.  It really is hit or miss.

Sebastian said his knees were hurting so he and I sat on a bench, while Geoff and Sawyer went in to browse.  While I sat, rubbing Sebastian's knee, I looked over into the window display.

There, in the bottom corner, was a stone plaque.  Very similar to a lot of the ones that you see in people's homes or on their desks.  This one was very simple, very basic.

It hit me like a ton of bricks.  It brought a big lump in my throat and tears to my eyes.   I don't know why.  I'm not questioning it.

I told Geoff I liked it, and wanted it for Christmas.  But who knows?

Anyway, weird.

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "never, never, never."

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Not again.

No sooner do I post a blog about how Morph is ok, do I get news to the contrary. 

I had mentioned that when I took Morph to the vet, they did blood and urine.  The results came back.

I knew it wasn't good when:
1. When the vet called and left her message that the blood work was back, she didn't say "It's all good."  Just 3 little words.  Easy to say.  But she didn't.
2. When I didn't return her call yesterday (because we had a hotel room for Sleep Cheap), she called back today.  Again- no "It's all good."
3. When I did call back today, and told the receptionist why I was calling, she put me on hold to go get the vet..out of another appointment.  So not good.

So, the basics are that Morph is very likely diabetic and he has stage 2 (of 4) kidney disease.

There was some talk about what can be done.  Kidney disease is not curable,  but can be controlled and the progress potentially slowed down.  The diabetes would still need to be confirmed through more blood work.

I told her I had to think about it.  I feel horrible saying that.  I wanted my answer to be "Yes, of course, anything you say.  Spare no expense.  Save my boy."

But the reality is that I can't afford thousands of dollars (or even hundreds) in medications and tests.  I have one income right now, plus therapy and meds for Sebastian, nursery school for Sawyer.  I started my own vitamin regime, to help me feel better, and that costs money. Christmas is coming.  So no, I don't have money to spare.

Morph is also 15 years old.  I find it hard to justify doing all this stuff, just to have him die of old age in a year (or a month!) anyway. 

But as I type this, Morph is laying with his front paws and head laying on my right arm.  It's his new favorite position.  He meows at me if my typing disrupts his sleep too much.  He is heavy and warm and so cute.  I have spent much of the afternoon trying not to cry, as I think about what I want to do, what I can do, and what I should do.  It's so hard.  So hard.

I talked to Geoff, and he is understanding where I am coming from.  He gets it.  His vote is to get more information on what will happen if we don't do treatment, if we let him be.  He doesn't seem to be in any pain, but what do I know?? 

I am at a loss.  I am going to sleep on it, and try to decide tomorrow.  Tonight I will sleep with my kitty, and enjoy him while it lasts.

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "not again."

Friday, November 11, 2011

Update on Morph

Thanks to all of you that sent your concerns and good thoughts to us regarding Morph.  I am happy to report that he has been given a clean bill of health, realtively speaking.  Anyway, he isn't on the verge of dying, at least so far as we can tell.

The vet did blood and urine (yikes!  Costly!) and we will get that back tomorrow.  He has some dental disease and has lost a couple of teeth.  She said he probably has arthritis in his hips, and that the loss of muscle mass is the thinning out that we see there.  But nothing ground breaking or earth-shattering.

My boy will be around a little while longer. :)

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "news of a good nature, for a change!"

Adventures in Sawyerland, Part 3

This update will focus on Sawyer's ability to pull out a phrase that is guaranteed to crack me up. 

1. When shopping in Walmart, Sawyer was (miraculously) sitting in the buggie.  She wanted me to run and push the cart ahead of me, letting it go and giving her a ride.  I waited until we were in an aisle that had no one in it.  She was pushing at me with her hands and feet, trying to get me to let go. Once we turned the corner, I told her to get ready, and here we go!!  She went flying in the cart, and with her arms stretched wide, she yelled "THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT!!"

2. Sebastian's birthday, and we are sitting at the breakfast table, eating and getting ready for school.  Sebastian gave me something to open (at this point, I don't even remember what it was).  I am working on it and working on it, trying to get it to open.  Sawyer is standing in front of me, staring intently.  She puts her hand on Sebastian's arm, and in an excited whisper, begins to chant.
"Wait for it......wait for it......wait for it......"

3. Geoff was driving with Sawyer.  We have a bunch of CDs for the car, with kids' music on them.  Our current favorite is the soundtrack for Phineas and Ferb.  We all have our favorite songs (mine is Backyard Beach.).  Geoff is singing along to the music, hamming it up for Sawyer's benefit.  Trying to be heard over the music, Sawyer yells something at Geoff.  Geoff, not sure he heard her right, turns down the music and asks "Did you ask Daddy to stop driving all crazy?"  She glares at him and says "NO!  You are driving ME crazy!!"

4. Geoff likes to pester the kids.  He gets wrestling and play fighting with them.  He pokes them and tickles them, and annoys them.  Nine times out of ten, the kids love it and laugh right along with him.  Occasionally, he pushes buttons that ought not to be pushed.  He was bugging Sawyer one day, and kissing her face, blowing her hair, etc, etc.  Sawyer said no a couple fo times, and kept pushing him away.  Finally, fed up, she put both her hands in his face and pushed with all her might, yelling "Daddy, get out of my face!!!"

Love that kid. 
Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "nonstop laughs".

Thursday, November 10, 2011

My baby boy

Today is my son's 10th birthday.

I remember, years ago, when we were in the beginning stages of therapies, and diagnoses, and IEP's, wondering what it would be like when Sebastian turned 10.  I honestly couldn't fathom it.  I didn't dare think of it, for fear that it would be too painful.

And here we are.  10 years old. 

And it's pretty great.  :)

Sure there is weirdness and trouble and worry.  But for the most part, 85-90% of my time with him and thinking about him is good.  I focus on that. 

Today was the first time that Sebastian was actually excited and interested in his birthday.  We started the morning with questions about whether or not Santa would be bringing presents for him today.  I told him no, Santa brings presents at Christmas, today he would get presents from Mom and Dad. 
At breakfast, he planned his day.
"First school, then Brick by Brick.  Then nothing.  Then home.  Then presents?"  The last was a bit of a question for me, asking for confirmation on something that might be too good to be true.  I nodded, thrilled that he was looking forward to something.

We planned pizza for dinner, and after dropping Sawyer at nursery school, we ran to Walmart and picked up his favorite drink (Strawberry-banana smoothie) and some frozen pizzas.  We got a couple of last minute gifts for him, and headed home.

I have been trying to simplify our lives, and slow down the rampant consumerism that used to run through our house.  Sebastian is EXTREMELY difficult to buy gifts for.  He has very specific interests, and usually can't be interested in things outside of that.  The usual "boy" gifts, like lego, cars, trains, even colouring books, hold little to no interest for him.  For years, I have tried to bribe, tempt and even force him into playing with these toys.  It's not worth it.  So, this year, I have forced myself to be realistic about what he would like.  We got him some books about Phineas and Ferb.  We got him a new copy of the Muppet Movie, because his old one is scratched and doesn't play well.  It's one of his favorites.   We didn't get a cake, because he doesn't like cake.  The icing is too sweet, and goopy for him.  He had swedish berries. 
It was really hard to not force my own agenda on what I thought he might like, or should like.  It is hard not to buy, just for the sake of buying, so that he would have lots to open on hs birthday. 
It was hard, but not impossible.  I did it.

When we came home, I decorated the house.  I have a bag of birthday decorations, and I pulled it out.  I always decorate for the kids' birthdays, even if it's just us.  There is the flag out front, the door banner, the Birthday Boy/Girl banner for the front window.  I have the Happy birthday to hang from the fireplace, and the happy birthday booble head bull dog.  There are happy birthday tableclothes, and candles and napkins.  I like to make a big deal, without making it TOO big of a deal.  I like it to be an occasion.  I like it to be their day.  Soon enough, it becomes a not-a-big-deal, so it's nice to be little and have a day all to yourself.  I like to make that happen.  And they get so excited to see the balloons and streamers and banners, and realize that it is for them.  Sawyer still talks about "her party". 

We headed out to pick up Sawyer and bring her to my mom's.  Geoff and I had an opporunity to observe one of Sebastian's therapy sessions today, so Sawyer was spending time with my parents while we did that.  She was happy to visit.  We went to get Sebastian from school and head to therapy.  His class gave him a gift for his birthday and he was surprised and happy to get it.  He asked again about presents tonight.

At BbB, he headed in for his therapy, and after a few minutes, Geoff and I headed over to watch through the 1 way glass.  It was great.  He is very relaxed there and does all of the crazy things he does at home.  I was amazed at how good his eye contact with his therapist was, he actually talked with her.  She was very good and was getting about 30 minutes of attention from him, before he needed a break.  They would do about 3 different activities in that 30 minutes.  He did so well, I was incredibly proud of him. 
It broke me when he used scissors.  Yep, scissors.  I yelled at Sawyer the other day for trying to cut up papers in the bathroom sink, but the vision of Sebastian cutting a straight line with scissors all by himself literally brought me to tears. In a good way.

We stayed for about an hour.  I could have stayed longer, but I didn't want the poor therapist being nervous about having us hanging around.  We went, grabbed some lunch and then came back and picked him up.  The director and the therapists got him a gift too.  They said he was so excited and appreciative, it was so fun to see. And it was just over Dora stickers.  He promised to share with Sawyer, even when I told him he didn't have to.

We picked up Sawyer and Grammie and Papa gave him a present early (they are coming over tomorrow for cake and presents).  He got the Phineas and Ferb movie, the one that he was asking Santa for.  He was so excited.  Sawyer got Strawberry Shortcake, and thought that was pretty damn cool too.

We came home, and Sebastian finally got his presents.  Sawyer was right into it too, bringing them over to him, helping him unwrap them, oohing and aahing over each and every one.  Then Sawyer wanted to sing, so we sang Happy Birthday.  There were hugs and kisses and smiles and love all the way around.  We ate pizza in bed and watched his new movie. 

It was one of the best 10th birthdays I could have ever imagined.  Love you, Halloween boy.  Lots and lots and forever and ever.

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "new decade of Sebastian adventures".

Sunday, November 6, 2011


I am trying to get caught up on SOA, because my sister in law is taunting me with the amazing stuff that happens and I simply just miss it.  It is one of the best shows on TV, hands down.

The first episode had an amazing song and it is stuck in my head.  I put it on here, so it can be stuck in all of yours as well.

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "new music".

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Who's the Boss?

I don't really like my boss. 

Bear in mind, I report to 2 different people.  One of them is fine, I like him, we get along.  He leaves me alone and let's me do my job.  More importantly, he trusts me, knows that I know what I am doing and most importantly, treats me like an adult.  I have respect for him, and we work well together.

The other one...yeah, it's not good.

I have no respect for him.  The sound of his voice drives me a little batty.  When he makes a decision, my first reaction, deep in my gut, is to do the exact opposite.  We do not see eye to eye on most things, I KNOW that I can do the job better (because I have) and I feel as though my time, thoughts, and opinions have absolutely no value, unless they make him look better.

So yeah.  I don't like my boss.

It's 11pm on a  Saturday night.  Yes, I am working.  Yes, I was available on our communicator.  But the fact that he will contact me, and fully expect me to jump to his beck and call...it burns my ass.  I am infuriated.

I try to move tasks to him, that belong there.  He pushes them back to me, because he can't understand the simplest concepts.  I try to share tasks with the team, so that I am no longer solely responsible for the success or failure of procedures.  He tells me he is more comfortable if I hold onto them for "a few more months, just to avoid confusion."  That will make it a solid year that it's been on my plate, buddy boy. 

Someone tried to explain to me, a while ago, what it would be like to report to a fully knowledgable, accountable and business saavy manager.  I can't even imagine it.  I have been saddled with 2 train wrecks, back to back.  That they make more than me blows my mind.  That I keep making them look good makes me ashamed.

I know I shouldn't be posting this.  I KNOW this.  But I can't help it. 

I try not to burn bridges.  I try to play nice in the sandbox.  Others on my team have thrown up their hands in defeat, and I keep plodding on, not exploding, not yelling, although every fibre of my being is telling me too.  I think I am worried that if I start, I won't know when to stop.  And I need this job too frigging bad to let that happen. 

We had a meeting last week.  I started to talk, to TALK to him.  I looked at him and I talked about how things were going bad, and how it was not fair that we had to live with the environment that we were stuck in.  I was talking to, at and about him.  And he looked at me, with his big, dumb, completely oblivious eyes and completely missed the boat. 

I am logging off now, before I say something I will regret.  But just remember- me typing this now, might keep me from screaming it in his face on Monday.  So thanks for that.

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "numbnuts."

Oprah's...errr...Anita's Book Club

yeah for me!  I am part of a book club!

I have wanted to be a part of a book club for years and years.  Finally, my friends and I just created one.  I am hosting the first get-together and I got to pick the first book.  I picked "The Scarlett Letter".

My friend Teresa inspired the choice.  In one of my blogs, I wrote a description of Sawyer.  The next day, Teresa asked me if I had ever read the Scarlett Letter, since my description of Sawyer reminded her of the one of Pearl in the book.  I hadn't read it, but my interest was now piqued.  I put it on my to-do list.

Once we had the book club put together, I knew it would be my first choice.  Everyone (so far) seems on board with it.

I also started a Virtual Book Club at work.  Since I am running both of them, they are both reading the same books.  Makes my life easier that way. 

I am cheating a little and listening to the audio of the book while I work.  But don't worry, I am also reading it at home at night.  :)  So far, I like it. I really do!

And as for the description of Pearl...You tell me who this reminds you of...

 Her nature appeared to possess depth, too, as well as variety; but--or else Hester's fears deceived her--it lacked reference and adaptation to the world into which she was born. The child could not be made amenable to rules. In giving her existence a great law had been broken; and the result was a being whose elements were perhaps beautiful and brilliant, but all in disorder, or with an order peculiar to themselves, amidst which the point of variety and arrangement was difficult or impossible to be discovered.

 Above all, the warfare of Hester's spirit at that epoch was perpetuated in Pearl. She could recognize her wild, desperate, defiant mood, the flightiness of her temper, and even some of the very cloud-shapes of gloom and despondency that had brooded in her heart. They were now illuminated by the morning radiance of a young child's disposition, but, later in the day of earthly existence, might be prolific of the storm and whirlwind.

Mindful, however, of her own errors and misfortunes, Hester early sought to impose a tender but strict control over the infant immortality that was committed to her charge. But the task was beyond her skill. After testing both smiles and frowns, and proving that neither mode of treatment possessed any calculable influence, Hester was ultimately compelled to stand aside and permit the child to be swayed by her own impulses. Physical compulsion or restraint was effectual, of course, while it lasted. As to any other kind of discipline, whether addressed to her mind or heart, little Pearl might or might not be within its reach, in accordance with the caprice that ruled the moment. Her mother, while Pearl was yet an infant, grew acquainted with a certain peculiar look, that warned her when it would be labour thrown away to insist, persuade or plead.

 It was a look so intelligent, yet inexplicable, perverse, sometimes so malicious, but generally accompanied by a wild flow of spirits, that Hester could not help questioning at such moments whether Pearl was a human child. She seemed rather an airy sprite, which, after playing its fantastic sports for a little while upon the cottage floor, would flit away with a mocking smile. Whenever that look appeared in her wild, bright, deeply black eyes, it invested her with a strange remoteness and intangibility: it was as if she were hovering in the air, and might vanish, like a glimmering light that comes we know not whence and goes we know not whither. Beholding it, Hester was constrained to rush towards the child--to pursue the little elf in the flight which she invariably began--to snatch her to her bosom with a close pressure and earnest kisses--not so much from overflowing love as to assure herself that Pearl was flesh and blood, and not utterly delusive. But Pearl's laugh, when she was caught, though full of merriment and music, made her mother more doubtful than before.
Yep.  That's my girl.

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "new books!"

The big sleep for Morpheus?

I am so worried about my cat.  We have had Morpheus since the day we moved in together 15 years ago.  We had, at one time, 4 cats- Jedditt and Morph, who were littermates, Orca, whose mom died and we got when he was 5 weeks old, ladened with fleas, and Boo Radley, an adoption from the Humane Society.

And now, just Morph remains. 

I honestly didn't think he would last much longer after we lost his brother Jedditt.  Jedditt had a tumor in his stomach, and we put him down 2 and a half years ago.  Morph has carried on.

Morph and Boo
in our first house
Boo Radley was the last to join our family and the first one we lost.  One day, he wouldn't come out of the bath tub.  He just laid in there, head down, meowing softly now and then.  It was late at night when I found him.  The other cats, one by one, went into the tub and laid with him for a while.  Then, when they jumped out and left him, they never looked back.  It's like they said their goodbyes, and have moved on. 

Because it was so late, I had no where to take him.  He didn't seem like he was in any pain, so I thought we could wait until morning, and take him into the vet for a check up.

I scooped him up in a fresh warm towel and made a bed for him in a laundry basket.  I set him beside my bed, and fell asleep petting him, hearing his rumbles.

Geoff woke me at 2:30 in the morning.  Boo was dead.  He had made it to the doorway of the bedroom and collapsed.  It was February, so I wrapped him in the towel and stored him in the garage.  I worried so much that I was wrong, that he wasn't dead.  I kept going out to check on him.  He most defintiely was, but I had a hard time saying goodbye.  The next day, I managed to shovel out a grave for him, behind the garage.  I put him in the ground and said good bye.

Orca was the next to leave.  He was such a big boy, Orca was a fitting name.  We had been camping, and my mom and dad were feeding and watering the cats for us.  Maybe it was the time away from him- 3 days- but when we got back, he looked swollen and huge.  I honestly don't know if it happened overnight, or it was just that we finally noticed it.  He could barely walk, his bellly hung so low and wide.  When I petted him and felt down his body, I could feel his skin, and how it pulled away from the muscle underneath.  He was dehydrated. 

I nursed him through the night, again.  It was a weekend, and nothing was open.  Call me a bad pet owner, but I didn't have the money (and still don't) to pay the $150 minimum fee for the emergency clinic.  So, I fed him water with a spoon and eyedropper, and mushed up all his favorite foods until they too were liquid.  He seemed to perk up after a couple of hours, and I was relieved to see him on the mend.  He used the litter box and waddled his way around.  I knew we would have to watch his fluids for a couple of days, but he seemed so much better.  *sigh*  Now I know different. 

The next morning, after a few hours of sleep, I found him dead in the laundry room.  He had curled up in one of the sheets off of our bed, and gone to sleep.  I cried and cried and wrapped him in the sheet that smelled of us, his family.  It was June, so I dug a grave beside Boo, and buried my big boy in it.  Sheet and all.

Jedditt and Sawyer
Jedditt was the last one to leave.  He used to be big and fat, and gradually got skinnier and skinnier.  This time, we managed to get him to the vet.  She confirmed in quick time that he had a tumor and was dying.  She confirmed he wasn't in any pain, but that he didn't have long.  She told Geoff (who took him in) to bring him home and let us say our goodbyes.  As soon as he showed any signs of deteriotating, we were to bring him back.  We had another week with him, before he became so weak he couldn't stand.  I was working, so Geoff took him in.  Geoff stood with him and petted his head, while the vet did her thing.  He was gone before the needle's plunger was all the way down.  He came home in a box, wrapped in a baby blankie of Sawyer's.  For the first time, I didn't bury my pet.  My dad did.  He was here when Geoff came home, and said he would do it.  Geoff said that he had seen my dad get the box out of the van and walk into the backard with it casually swinging from his hand.  He said it bothered him to see that, but that he couldn't bring himself to do the burial himself.  Of course, Jedditt is behind the garage, with his brothers.

Morph and Axle
Good buddies.  Now.
And now, there is Morph.  Morph, who was always shy and skittish.  Who never adapted to change, but has since accepted Sawyer and Axle into his circle.  He and Axle have become buds, laying together, snuggled on the bed, or in matching chairs in the living room.

About a week ago, I noticed Morph's belly seemed bigger.  Swollen, almost.

Today, I couldn't find him.  I searched high and low, my heart racing.  I dreaded finding that stiffened tail, sticking out from under a cupboard, or bed.  Eventually, I found him in my closet, laying in a pile of my old sweaters.  He looked up and meowed and me, yawned, stretched and went back to sleep.

I keep checking to make sure he is alive. 

I can't help thinking- it's a weekend.  No vet is open.  I can't afford the emergency clinic.  I will nurse him, if I need to.  I just want him to make it to Monday, so he can see the vet. 

But I am worried that soon, there will be one final grave behind the garage.

Keep your fingers crossed for us.

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "not now, not ever.  Please."

Missing the Boat

Geoff and I had a date planned for tonight.  Just to talk, something that is way, way overdue.  But instead, I worked five and half hours of overtime and he fell asleep.

What does that say about us?

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "not good."