"Change, when it comes, cracks everything open."
Dorothy Allen

Saturday, March 31, 2012


After yesterday's post, I feel a driving need to be positive today. 

I have been fighting a cold the last 3 days.  It's got a nasty cough, that when I lay down to sleep, I can hear it rattle in my chest.  Literally, I can hear it as I breathe.  I cough until I almost throw up.  So, what's positive about that?  I have kept exercising, for one.  I haven't been going as hard as I was, because to do so, induces a fit of coughing that triggers my gag reflex.  My co-ordination isn't great, I think because of the medication I have been taking to try and sleep at night.  But, after all that, I am still going.  I only skipped one part of an exercise, my 15 minute ab routine.  My abs thanked me later.

I still haven't gotten my tax stuff together.  Oh, I have it physically together, in a giant bag, full of every scrap of paper I have found over the past year and though might be useful for tax time.  Or even flyers and other things that I just didn't feel like throwing out.  But, on the bright side, I figure the longer it takes me to sort through it, the later I will get my tax return and that means that I will have that much more to use towards Sebastian's school in September!

Umm...let's see, what else is good today?  I cleaned out the van, and got a bag of garbage.  I wiped it down with a vinegar/water mix, so now it smells good.  I just need to vacuum and get it washed and we will be all good.

Morph is getting really good at taking his needles.  This morning he even jumped up on the bed when he was done eating, and didn't hide.  Made both our mornings that much better.

Sebastian's room is pretty clean.  Sawyer's is no where close, but it will be by the end of day tomorrow.

Geoff has set himself a chore schedule.  That makes me really happy.  It means he is really listening.

I found the head for my mop today.  It was washed and put away, I just didn't know where.  So my floors got mopped, which is always nice.

I am going out with friends tonight.  Should be fun.  I don't know what I am going to do about my diet.  I have been visualizing all week, trying to plan on how to avoid and resist the nacho bar.  Geoff is in my corner, and as long as he can help me resist without making me feel like an idiot, we are all good.  I don't know what I am going to wear, but whatever it is, it will be comfortable. :)

The snow that fell last night was very pretty.  It's gone now, replaces with cold, March sunshine.  My daffodils and hyacinths are blooming.  I think I will cut some tomorrow.

My sister in law dropped off beautiful orange flowers for me.  Yes, they are from a funeral, but I don't care.  They have birds of paradise and other beautiful orange flowers that look lovely in my living room.

We started organizing the kids toys in the basement.  Beginning of the purge, I feel it coming, and it's a big one!! (Well, if I have any say in it, it will be big.  Geoff is still resistant.)  This week will be a Value Village week for sure. 

Tomorrow is April.  Yeah.

See, positive.  Good thoughts.  There are some rocky waters ahead, and I want to keep all the positive and happy things that I can near and dear to me. 

Have a good one, everyone!

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "newly happy."

Friday, March 30, 2012


I just saw a preview of the new documentary, called "Bully".  It basically follows kids through an entire school year, and shows everything that they go through.  The beatings, the thefts, the name calling, the harassment, the threats.  Apparently, it gets bad enough that the powers that be want to give it an R rating.  This would, of course, completely defeat the point of the movie, by not allowing the demographic that needs to see the movie most to even get through the door. 
The part that got me was the clips from the school bus, when they punch the young boy in the face, dump his backpack on the floor, slap him on the back of the head and stab him with a pencil.  They flash to his mom, sitting in the (I assume) Principal's office, saying that her son is not safe on the bus.  The principal responds with "I have been on that bus, and those kids are good as gold."  So basically, you are full of shit.  Get out of my office, you liar.

It makes me want to cry.

I cringe when I am out in public around teenagers.  To hear the way they talk, and curse and swear.  I know everyone will say that I was like that too, but I really wasn't.  I was always aware of my surroundings.  Sure, I might have been loud, and laughing, but I never called my friends stupid c*nts when there was a 3 year old 2 feet away.  NEVER.  But that happens.  And not just once...all the time. 

I watched the movie Kids a couple of years ago.  I turned it off.  It made me sick to my stomach.  Maybe I am vanilla.  Maybe I am old fashioned.  But I do know that I don't want my 13 year old getting stoned on E and getting raped at a party.  I don't want my 14 year old son stealing liquor and trying to de-flower as many girls as he can. 

I worry about my kids.  Even as young and innocent as they are.  I don't like alot of the world around me- the violence, the consumerism, the lack of manners and respect.  Not just kids but everyone.  I know, this is hypocritical coming from someone that takes horror photos and sells them.  But I protect my kids from that.  I want to protect them from the world.

I think, more and more, about homeschooling.  Sometimes I think the end of society might actually be a good thing.  Sometimes it gets really hard for me to see the good that people and kids do, when all I see are little @$$holes.

I don't know what to do.  I am trying to instill good behaviors and a foundation in my kids.  I want them to know that I will always, ALWAYS be here.  Yeah, I will be hardass sometimes.  Yeah, I won't always do what they like or want me to do.  They won't always get their way. 

But I will always provide that calm in the centre of the storm.  I will always be the warm comfort of home.  I will always provide safety and security. 

Don't know why I had to blog this today.  It was just weighing on me. 

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "now what?"

Thursday, March 22, 2012


So, I think I said before that I had found a new obsession in Pinterest.  I have made sure I limit myself to no more than 1 hour a day, browsing and pinning and wishing and dreaming.

Yesterday, I made my first "Pin" craft.  Nothing big, but I got the idea from the site.

March 20 was my parents' 41st wedding anniversary.  As a gift, I made them this.

The dates our lives were forever changed.
It is a listing of all the dates that have greatly impacted their lives.  It starts with my Dad's birthday, then my mom's, then their wedding day.  Me and my brother's birthdays are next.  Then my wedding day (when they got Geoff as a son-in-law) and my kids' birthdays.

I liked it so much, I made one for myself, in brown and blue, for my new bedroom.

I think this is a cool idea.  I have a wedding coming up this summer, and I am thinking this might make a nice gift.  I dunno.  Or maybe by then, I will have pinned something else.  

Yeah me!

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "new ideas".


I try really, really hard not to be forgetful.

I make lists, I write in my calendars (I have 3), I send emails to myself, I have dozens of little tricks that I use every day to make sure that I don't forget things.

Today, I forgot I had an appointment.  Not just an appointment, but an appointment that I have been waiting 3 months for.  One that was just for me, to help me feel good about myself.  And I totally fricking forgot.

I am so angry with myself.  Not just disappointed.  Furious.  I hate that I forgot.  I have been mad for an hour, and it's still not going away.

I live with an extremely forgetful person.  I am constantly reminding him to do things, to go places.  And he still forgets.  And he doesn't care.  It never seems to bother him that he forgets to pick stuff up, to call and make the appointment, to go here or there. 

Because he is forgetful, I, by default, have to remember everything.  If I forget, it doesn't get done.  I have no back up plan.  So, for me to forget this one thing, is just infuriating to me.

My first reaction was to be mad at him.  Because he was taking a nap, watching TV with the kids, while I was working.  And 20 minutes after my appointment time, he calls down and asks if I forgot. 

Of course I did. Why didn't you remind me 30 minutes ago?

But I know, I can't blame him.  It's not his responsibility, it's mine.  I am the one that has to remember.  I know that.  It's always been this way. 

So now, I am just mad at myself. 

I will get over it, I know.  I will be able to look at it rationally, and understand that it really isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things.  I will be embarrassed by the fact that I was angry and talked meanly to everyone.  It will blow over and I will move on.

But I will always remember that I forgot.

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "needs reminding."

Let's be Friends

Yesterday, after Geoff and the kids picked me up from work, we decided to stop and let the kids play in the park.  There is a great play area at our local Y, and since Sawyer wouldn't stop crying until we went, the decision was a pretty easy one.

Sawyer right away, waded her way into the fray and started climbing and riding and scrambling and falling.  Sebastian takes longer.  We rested at a table, then on a bench.  We walked for a bit, talked for a bit, and he started climbing with the littles.  I could see the looks on the faces of the other families.  They were worried that a bigger kid was in with the little, little ones,  but no one said anything and after a while, when they saw that he was just willing to sit and swing his feet, they stopped noticing. 

After a while, both kids moved onto the bigger playset.  Sawyer was climbing the rocks like the monkey she is, up and down and up and down.  She gives me all the experiences that I was a bit nostalgic about with Sebastian, and I am so grateful to her for that.  Last night it was the "Look at me, Mom!  Are you looking?  Did you see me??"  I was so happy to report that every single time, I did see her and I was looking.  Sebastian also started to climb, and each time he reached the top, I would literally clap my hands and cheer for him.  He would give me is little nonchalant wave, but the smile on his face told a whole different story.  He was happy that I was cheering.  He was proud of himself. 

After a while, my little Sawyer Bean started to make friends.  First she started seeing the same little girl in the places that she was playing, and then she started following her.  Next came talking, then holding hands and running together.  Pretty soon, they were "friends".  Emma had to leave shortly after, and Sawyer was alone again.

But not for long.  Next came Alicia, who was a little too young for her, and then Marianna.  At one point I hear Marianna ask Sawyer "Ok, so we are friends now, right?"  Sawyer of course said yes.

It just made me think about how easy and simple it is to be friends when you are little.  Just ask "Wanna be friends?"  If they say yes, then you are.  When they do something you don't like, you are allowed to be mad and not be friends.  And then because they gave you candy, or a flower or a plastic ring, you are friends again.  Simple.  Lovely.

I wish it were that easy once you get older.  I have friends, and I make friends fairly easily.  But still, sometimes it could just be a simple as holding hands in the park. 

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "new friends".

Tuesday, March 20, 2012


So, Morphie is diabetic. 

He had started peeing EVERYWHERE, so we took him back to the vet, to find out if his kidney disease had progressed.  Instead they found out he has a heart murmur and was likely diabetic. 

I had told the vet last time that money was a very real factor in our treatment options for Morph.  So she very carefully laid out the plans and cut corners as much as she could for us.  They did a urinalysis and blood and came back with yes, he is definitely diabetic.

So, I went in and learned how to inject him with insulin.  His dosage is so small, it takes no time at all.  The vet did mention that I was about the 3rd person she had ever taught to inject that WASN'T crying and the only one whose hands weren't shaking.  I was surprised, because it didn't seem to be that big of a deal.  Especially once she had already injected him with the saline, and the cat didn't flinch, not even a little bit.  The only thing I was dreading was how I was going to inject him, if I was holding down a fighting, hissing, spitting cat.  Instead, he just lays there and purrs. 

I did tell her that I have been through alot of medical procedures for myself and my son, so something like this is a cake walk.  I didn't tell her that I had injected myself daily for 6 months.  After that...this is nothing.

So, we finally got his insulin today from the pharmacy.  They were being super nice and have us an insulin pen, which is very similar to the one I used to use for my own injections.  The problem is, I learned with an actual syringe at the vets.  So I had to figure this new contraption out.  I managed it, with Sawyer screaming and crying in her room because I wouldn't let her "help" and Geoff telling me that he didn't think it was right that this was being done. 

I did ask him to qualify that statement, thinking he meant that he didn't want to do the injections for Morph.  The time to decide between putting him down and injections was 2 days ago, not now, while I have bought the insulin and have the needle in my hand.  He said no, that's not what he meant.  He meant that he didn't think he should even be in the room, and he felt like giving the needles was not something that he could do.

Oh well.  I guess that means it's my new job.  Lucky me, and lucky Morph.  Seriously.

Geoff's job was to wrangle Morph out from under the bed and present him to me.  Next time, I will just scoop him when he is eating.  Once he was up though, he was super calm again, and I did the injection no problem.  I did realize that I didn't leave the needle in long enough, because there was a bead on the end of the needle when I pulled it out.  The directions say you should leave it in for 10 seconds, so I will be sure to do that next time.

All in all, we all did great.  We have introduced litter boxes on all 3 floors of the house, to make sure that Morph always has a place to pee.  I will probably have to take over cleaning them daily, since Geoff tends to procrastinate that until it is horrific.  The vet said the cleaner the box, the more likely he will use it.  So I will get that all set and into a routine tomorrow.

So, for now, our 16 year old wonder cat is still with us, and doing well.  I will keep you posted. 

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "Nurse to my cat."

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Stumble, not a fall

So, I think I have told you guys that I am trying to lose weight and eat healthier. 

Today I stumbled.  I'm kinda not happy about it.

I am really trying to keep a good frame of mind about it.  To keep it in perspective.  To understand that it is exactly that...a stumble, not a fall.  Even if I had fallen, I can get right back up, dust myself off and keep going.

So, basically, the plan I am using has 3 phases.  In between each phase (a phase lasts for 3 weeks), you go on a 4 day reset.  During the reset, you don't exercise, you allow your muscles to rest and heal, and you cut your diet to pretty much just lean protein and veggies (there is more, but in very limited quantities).

The reset is great, because you drop weight like crazy.  I did a 2 week reset at the beginning, lost 16 lbs and kept it off, even after I started eating more in my first phase.  I am now finished Phase 1, and on the reset waiting to start Phase 2 on Saturday. 

I have been doing great, and have lost 4lbs already on the reset, bringing me to a grand total of 24.3 lbs in 7 weeks.  I am pretty stoked. 

But then today happened.  It was an avalanche of errors...

- I skipped my morning smoothie, because I ran out of time.
- I missed lunch, because we were at Disney.  I had 3 handfuls of salty popcorn instead.  Boo.
- I ate pizza for dinner.  Granted, I did gluten free crust, I picked the 500 calorie pizza off the menu and then only ate half of it.  But still, on the reset- carbs are a no-no and cheese is ALWAYS a no-no.
- I ate a Swedish berry.  Ok, maybe 2.
- I ate a slice of bread.  With Becel.  *sigh*

I know, in the grand scheme of things, this is so totally not a big deal.  First of all, it's one day.  No biggie.  Second of all, I still probably came in at or below my calorie limit.  But still...I have been doing so well, for so long.  It bothers me that I messed up. 

Before, I would have thrown up my hands and said "F*ck it" and eaten another piece of bread, plus some of the amazing smelling banana bread I made for Geoff and Sawyer.  I would have had a diet pepsi (haven't had a pop in 7 weeks, remember!!!!) with ice and lime.  I would have talked Geoff into ordering a pizza with wings and blue cheese for dipping.  And then I would have eaten a cookie or 6.  And done it all with a smile in my face and a song in my heart.

Until tomorrow.  When I woke up and thought about what I had done.  Or when I blocked what I had done from my head, so that I wouldn't have to think about it at all. 

So, now, I own it.  Yeah, ate the bread.  Oh well.  Won't do it again.  Yep, had popcorn and cheese.  That's ok, hope it was good and the memory of the taste will carry you through the next 3 weeks.

Here's what I should remember about today:

- drinking water, only water, at Disney, and Boston Pizza and home.
- starting to pick at the 2nd half of that pizza, and stopping.  Forcing myself to put my fork down.  Geoff threw the napkin over the plate, so I wouldn't look at it, and then the waitress took it away.  But in the end, I DIDN'T EAT IT.
- not eating the banana bread.
- not putting peanut butter and jam on the bread that I did eat. 
- hoofing it through Hamilton dragging Sebastian.  I didn't realize at the time, but I wasn't winded.  Not once.  Not even a little.  My back didn't hurt and I wasn't tired.  That's a big friggin' deal.
- taking a picture of myself that I didn't hate.  Even I thought "you kinda look ok in that picture."  And that's a huge step forward for me.

So, I guess on second thought, it wasn't that bad of a day for me, after all.

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "now, on with the show."

A Disney Day

So, I completely lucked out and got three great, TOTALLY FREE deals for March Break. 

First, the kids went with my mom and dad (since I had to work) to see The Lorax on Monday.  It was offered through our local Autism Ontario chapter (of which I am a paid-in-full, lifetime member).  They have really stepped up their game this year, with a new director on board and are offering tons of fun and free stuff.  The 4 of them went, and got popcorn and drinks, all for nothing.  The kids had a blast and my parents did too.

Tomorrow night, we are taking them to see Richard Scary's Busytown, at our local convention centre.  Back in November, we had taken them to see the Backyardigans.  The show experienced several technical breakdowns and as an apology to everyone, they offered free Richard Scary tickets.  I was a little slow on the upswing, so our seats aren't as good as they were for the first 2 shows we saw there, but for free, I can't really complain.  The kids loved going the last couple of times, so I think they are really going to enjoy this.

And the piece de la resistance for the week was today.  Also through the AO chapter, we got FREE Disney on Ice tickets.  FREE!!  We decided to keep it a total surprise for the kids, and didn't tell them anything at all, just that we had a surprise and we had to drive there (it was in Hamilton.)

Yesterday, we had made a trek up to Limeridge Mall (or the Mickey Mouse Mall, as the kids call it, because it has a Disney store.)  They had a clearance sale on, so I got a cute Minnie Mouse dress and shoes for Sawyer and Sebastian got a Mickey t-shirt (a little big).  I figured they could wear them today.

Sawyer's Minnie Mouse shoes
Bastian's rocking Mickey shirt
The morning started well enough.  I got up with the kids, made them french toast for breakfast, made sure a certain Mr. got all his meds and they even had some free time to play.  I logged in for a quick minute, to help the last girl at work out (long story!) because I felt tremendously guilty that she got stuck by herself.  After that, I popped Sawyer in the tub, washed her hair and her face, which were both a  disgrace, got her out and dressed, and she even let me brush her hair and put it in a ponytail.  Ok, she cried and freaked out at the brushing, but the ponytail was fine.  I called Sebastian up to dress, got myself ready and then checked on Geoff.

ready to go, but still have no idea where!
Geoff likes to sleep.  A lot.  He stays up really late and likes to sleep late.  Now, granted, he doesn't often get the chance to sleep in.  But then, neither do I.  I usually have to tell him that I want a chance to sleep in.  He usually interprets that to mean that he will continue to sleep in, and so will I.  So, when the kids inevitably come in, I end up getting up with them anyway, only now with a whole load of bitterness on my shoulders.  He has been getting a little better, but really, I don't get a sleep in day more that once every couple of months. 

So far, Geoff has had sleep in days all this week since Tuesday.

So, with the show starting at 1pm, and with it being at least an hour's drive away, my thought was that we should be leaving around 1130, at the latest.  This made sense to me, gave us some leeway for traffic or getting lost, not being able to find parking or our seats. 

My problem is, I assume that my logic is so logical, it doesn't need to be vocalized or discussed.  So I didn't.  So Geoff had no idea.  So Geoff slept until 11:15.
Then he decided he had to shave.


Anyway, now it's 10 to 12, and we are finally in the car.  I am trying really, REALLY hard to not be mean or snipe-y.  I am watching the clock, and constantly calculating how much time we have left.  But I am not vocalizing or blaming, or doing anything negative.  I think I earn a gold star for that. 

Or maybe I am just a giant dope.  See, Geoff has ALWAYS been like this, he always makes me late.  I have been married to him for 14 years and the fact that I am not used to it, or actively working against it 24/7 tells me I am kind of an idiot. 


So, long story short (I know, too late!) we hit tons of traffic, think we are going the wrong way, decide to persevere, finally find the place (Google Maps said 1.4 kilometers, and there was NO way it was that...it was more like 5-8 kms), pass the parking, turn around, get in the parking, get a spot, mad dash to the building, check the tickets, drag the kids as fast as we can past the cornucopia of Disney memorabilia for sale, find the seats, finally sit down and LITERALLY 3 seconds after we sit, the lights go off and the show starts.  Talk about nick of time!!

All my aggravation washed away however, when the kids finally figured out what was going on.  They lost it when Minnie and Mickey came out.  They were thrilled with the Nemo section, and the Princesses, and Toy Story.  Sebastian was in awe and Sawyer kept clapping for her favorite parts.  They both loved it, and it was so worth every step of the painful process to get there.

the whole gang out on the ice!
 Both kids ended up with a ridiculously overpriced princess doll (Bastian wanted Belle, Sawyer wanted Snow White).  But honestly, it was a small price to pay to watch them light up, and see that happiness glow. 

Big smiles!!
So, thank you to Autism Ontario Niagara Chapter, the Potential Programme and to Disney for giving me and my kids a great day and a precious memory. 

Me and my girl
me and my boy
Friends again.  All is forgiven.

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "Nemo, princesses and Mickey..oh my!"


I had a horrible dream last night.

As I have been moving out of the land of sleep deprivation, in which I have dwelled for the past 2 years, I have started dreaming more and actually remembering my dreams.

The other night, I dreamt about eating a ham, mushroom and brie grilled sandwich. It was amazing.  I think because I miss eating cheese so much, I made this sandwich in my dream an event.  I laugh to think about it, even now.

But last night, I dreamt that we were robbed.  Not at gunpoint or anything like that, but our property while we were sleeping.  In my dream, I woke up and started my day as usual.  While I was in the kitchen getting breakfast ready, Sawyer was at the front door, per usual, hanging out with her pjs on for the neighbourhood to see. 

She said "Something is wrong with the red car and the black car."  (we only have 2 cars, but she always makes this distinction.) 

I went to the door and looked.  All of the doors on the cars were wide open, along with the trunks.  Stuff was piled on the lawn and the seats, neatly.

Just to interject- we have had this happen.  From the time we moved in, to about 3 years ago, we would have our cars broken into regularly.  At the time, we had a soft top Tracker, so I never left it locked, for fear that they would just cut the top to get in (and they are crazy expensive to replace.)  I never left anything of value in the car, but they would regularly steal our CDs and the change I would leave in the ashtray for Timmies.  In the beginning, they would empty the glove box and throw the papers everywhere.  After a while, we either got a new, more considerate thief, or they just appreciated our making their efforts to steal easier, and they would neatly stack the papers from the glove box on the seat.  The stealing seems to have stopped (we don't have a soft top anymore, so we regularly lock the cars at night- so maybe we just don't make it easy for them anymore)- I think the kids that did it, have just grown up and moved out of the neighbourhood.  We also don't get egged or firecrackered anymore.  Fingers crossed it keeps up.

Anyway, back to the dream.  I went out and looked through the cars...they were completely empty.  We don't keep much in them, but all of the kids "road" toys were gone, our reusable grocery bag collection, our blankets, everything.  I started to get a funny feeling in my stomach.  I went to the backyard.

Here my dream gets a little weird.  I don't have sheds in my backyard.  We did have one of those cheap aluminum ones at our old house, since we didn't have a garage.  My mom and dad have one of the wooden types, that looks like a miniature barn.  In my dream, both of those were in my backyard.  I went to each one, and they were both completely empty.  EMPTY.  Everything was gone.  In the dream, I started to cry.

Back to real life- I don't spend alot on outdoor equipment.  My dad has tons of extras and has a knack for finding stuff I need.  So my lawnmowers, shovels, picks, rakes, hoes, and even my snow blower has come from him and his findings.  Everything has a story- he can tell me how long he has had it, where it came from, who had it before.  The thought of all of this, and all of his work finding it, being gone scared me to death in the dream.

I was sobbing in the dream.  I ran to the front and checked the garage- locked.  Thank goodness.  Then I saw the pry marks at the bottom of the door.  Even though the handle was locked, I knew they had gotten in.  Sure enough, when I lifted the door, up it came.  And again...completely empty.

If you have ever seen my jampacked garage, you know what a shock it would be to see it completely empty.

I sat on the ground and put my head in my hands and cried and cried.  I have no idea where Geoff and the kids were at this point.  As I sat there, I looked over.  There was a note and a weird looking brick.  I picked up the brick- it was some kind of lock.  The note said something about how this would be a better choice in the future.  About how once everything was replaced- and he knew I would replace everything- he would be back to check.  If I didn't have locks like this, or better, he would be helping himself again.  It was so scary.  I don't know how a note can be scary, but it was. 

There was more to the dream.  I found a key chain that I thought was a clue.  Geoff at one point thought he knew who it was.  Justin, my tattoo guy made an appearance and returned a pointsettia I had given him (I have never given him a pointsettia) that had grown to over 3 feet tall. 

But the damage was done.  As I woke up, the lingering sense of dread and fear was in me.  First thing I did was come downstairs and look at the cars to make sure everything was ok.  It was.

I don't know what this means.  A sense of being robbed, or losing what is close to me.  I dunno.  A sense of invasion.  Weird.

Anyway, time to get my day going.  Just wanted to share.

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for nightmare.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012


I don't know if it's just that it's a new day, it's warm and sunny and windy, I have accepted the inevitable...but today is a better day.

I look out the window and want to be outside playing.  I keep working though, and have been relatively productive.

Geoff was exceedingly complimentary to me today.  That was nice too.

Everyone got a good night's sleep, even my sleepless wonder, Sebastian.  It was lovely.

I think I am starting to adjust the time change too.

Whatever it is, I am happy today.  I am listening to an awesome radio station - it is the classic rock station from Key West.  When we were there, Dawn and I would freak out daily- it played all of our favorite songs from Supernatural.  Geoff started calling it Impala FM.  I love it and listen as often as I can online.

I am on my reset for my new health and wellness plan.  This is the stage where my diet becomes more restricted- basically just veggies and lean protein for 4 days.  It's hard to find stuff I want to eat, but the weight drops off, so I don't mind.  I also don't have to work out, which is a nice break.  This is day 2, with 2 more to go.

I discovered, with my sister-in-law's urging, Pinterest last night.  Holy crap.  There is so much on there, some is junk, some is undiluted awesome.  Between this and Ravelry, my to-do list will be a mile long.  But I don't mind a bit.

I am inspired to start my bathroom renovation.  I really really want to.  But I have to completely finish the bedroom, and right now, I am looking for art work, and wonderful bright touches to bring some light into a bit of a dark room.  This is the fun stuff.

I saw an amazing picture of a good friend today.  She recently went to Cuba, a well deserved and long overdue vacation.  She is a wonderful person, who constantly inspires me and makes me feel good about myself.  The picture is her in the pool, enjoying a drink with a huge smile on her face.  It makes me happy just to look at it.  Glad you had a good time, LSL. :)

Tonight I am attending a focus group for Gillian's Place.  It's a local shelter for battered women and children.  I am looking forward to contributing and learning.

Anyway, I have to go back to work now.  Layla is playing on the radio, and soup is on the stove for Sawyer's lunch.  I just wanted to touch base and tell you all, it's a wonderful day.

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "new day, happy day".

Monday, March 12, 2012


Today, I have this ringing in my head.  It's a quote from Jillian Michaels:

"Today, I want you to ask yourself this one question. 
"Why not you?"
Why not you to do something for work that you love?
Why not you to have a healthy body?
Why not you to have a healthy love?
Why not you to be, have or do anything you have ever dreamed of?
We are so quick to think others are deserving over ourselves. 
The truth is that we are all deserving.
So why not you?"

Today was trying and difficult.  Today, I felt anger, verging on rage, until I tamped it down with reason and patience.  Today, I wanted to quit my job. 

Today, I was tired and worn out.  I questioned everything and had difficulty being motivated.

But then, I got a little inspired.  Someone asked me to knit something for them.  Something I haven't knitted in years.  And they are willing to pay me, shock of shocks.

Today, I actually took some time and read through my list of favorite blogs.  Here, and here, and here and here.  While they make me jealous some of the time, with their babies and nature and gardens and sewing, they are also soothing and inspiring.

And once again, I am in a world of confusion.  I am having trouble reconciling how I spend the vast majority of my day with how I want to be living my LIFE.  I don't know how to get there.  Some days it makes me sad. 

So, I take the little pieces of happiness as I can get them.

- a family dinner with my in-laws on a sunny March Sunday
- Sawyer and her Bear Family game.  She calls me Momma Bear, and asks me to build her caves to keep her nice in warm.  I call her Baby Bear and build her all the caves she wants.
- knitting for fun and (hopefully) profit
- opening all the windows in my house to air it out
- cleaning, and having it stay clean for more than a day
- chocolate flavoured protein powder
- Sebastian's giggle fits
- sleeping...really sleeping.  Dreaming and relaxing.  Waking up refreshed and not exhausted.
- Plans for March Break.
- the dog's sleepy sighs and couch hogging.  I try to work and he tries to push me off his spot.  Subtly, without malice.
- garlic mayo, homemade.

These are good things, happy things, and I hold them to me.  They help me deal with the bad, the mundane, the day to day. 

I read my sister in law's blog today.  I resonated with me and vocalized something that has been playing in my head and my heart for quite some time.  I am torn, and like she so eloquently put it, longing and confused.  But that's a blog for another time.

But I need a bigger plan.  A better plan. 
Because, like Jillian says, up above...why not me?  Why not?

I don't mean for this to sound angry or melancholy.  It really is just representative of what my normal day is...a mixture of good and bad, joy and pain, anger and euphoria.  Is everyone like that?  What is an even keel like?

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "now, on with the show."

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Women's Day

Today was International Women's Day.  I am, kinda, the co-chair of the Women's Day committee at work.  We had an event today.  It was actually very nice and fun and relaxed.

We had a bunch of ladies, and even a couple of men, gathered together.  Everyone had a t-shirt made, with a saying on it.  They were all selected because of their ability to adapt and overcome different circumstances, like being a single mom with a full time job, coming back from maternity leave, understanding how to put themselves first (when that is so hard for so many of us to do), dealing with special family dynamics, understanding health and wellness and importance to every one's life and etc, etc, etc.  They picked a saying based on their skills or what inspires them.  Mine said "I have a "special" family." 

We all wore red, to bring attention to women's heart health.  We handed out red Gerber daisies to everyone (men included) and red velvet cupcakes.  (I brought 2 of each home for the kids.  They both loved the flowers, but broke both of the stems within about an hour of getting them.)

We also had a series of words cut out.  They were self esteem words, that people could select and post at their desks, to give them a pick-me-up, whenever they need one.  I picked some words myself, including "natural", "simplicity", "family", "friends", "strong", and "capable".

People filtered in throughout the day and chatted together.  People would read the sayings on our t-shirts and ask questions.  We handed out flowers and yummy cupcakes.  It got to the point that our volunteers were handing inspiring words to people, telling them "when I think of you, this is the word that I think of."  And they actually meant it sincerely, and not with sarcasm. :)  People were touched by the thoughts and everyone seemed to enjoy the day.

It is so nice to be involved in these events.  Not only is it a break from the day to day grind of work and John, but it inspires me.  I start to see people that I work with in a different light.  I see the good in people.  It's nice for a change.

Happy Women's Day, everyone.  I hope someone, somewhere, inspired you, or was inspired by you.  I hope you were treated with respect.  I hope your light was shining. 

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "now, if only every day were Women's Day."


I have started reading my Simplicity Parenting book.  I am enjoying it so far.  I think it will be very helpful and it seems to be articulating some things that have been floating around in my mind for a while now.

So far, the basic premise is about preserving the sanctity and the reverence for childhood.  It's about recognizing that childhood is not something to be skipped, or forced through, but it's own sacred and precious stage of life.  It should be marvelled at and allowed to progress at it's own natural state.  Basically, it is time to let kids be kids.

I sometimes struggle with embarrassment and judgement from others for the fact that Sebastian is seemingly stuck in his childhood.  He like cartoons, and basic books.  He still likes Dora and Backyardigans and Arthur.  He plays simple games and likes basic toys.

And then I think...Holy shit.  He's 10.  Back off. 

What is wrong with him being innocent?  What is wrong with him not understanding complex subjects, and adult conversation? 

Nothing, absolutely nothing.

I think it is time that we let our kids be kids.  I think they should be allowed to colour and cut with scissors and glue.  I think kids should be allowed to play silly games, and build tents with pillows.  They should play dress up, and cars and school. 

I also think that we, as parents, should help to protect our kids from some of the adult truths out there.  My kids don't need to know about my horrible days at work and my awful boss.  They don't need to know when I worry about money.  They don't need to know when I am scared, about any number of things. 

I am not saying that my kids shouldn't be exposed to the world.  I just think that it should be appropriate for their age and what they can handle.  I hear stories about kids with anxiety disorders and worries and ulcers.  That is so wrong to me.  It makes me sad. 

I had a conversation with a lovely lady today about her new mission.  She wants to help her kids become responsible, conscientious and contributing members of society.  She is planning on blogging about the things that she wants to teach them.  The things that your mom taught you, or should have taught you.  The things you learned the hard way.  I think this is brilliant.

I believe that kids should be polite and have good manners.  My kids clear their plates after dinner and say thank you and excuse themselves.  I don't believe kids should say phrases like "oh my god" or "shut up" or "hate".  Obviously, I don't think young kids should swear.  I believe kids should not lip off or talk back to their parents.  I believe kids should be respectful to their elders, whether they know them or not.  I believe kids should share with others.  I believe children should not be greedy, whether it is toys, or food, or anything.  I believe all children should always say "please" and "thank you" and "you're welcome".  I believe that they should not chew with their mouths open.  I believe all kids should be exposed to different cultures, different people, different abilities.  They shouldn't stare when they see someone who looks differently, or in in a wheelchair. 

It is 100% up to me to teach my children this.  I want my kids to be pleasant to be around.  I want it to be second nature.  I want them to grow up to understand that treating others well, is a direct reflection on themselves.  I want that reflection to be beautiful.

I am proud to say that my kids are on their way.  My kids are kids.  They are good kids.  Amazing kids.

Yes, I turn the radio station when the music is inappropriate.  Yes, I save "my" movies for when they are in bed.  Yes, I might be overprotective. Yes, I might not be the "cool" mom.

But when I watch them play, and laugh and be little kids...the real, little kids that they are, and should be, then I don't care what others think.  I know what I am doing is the right thing.  I don't want them to feel like outsiders or weird, just because they aren't as adult as their peers.  But I am also not willing to bend.  I think I am building the foundation for good, solid people.  I building a foundation for our family.  My hope is that it will help them become the adults they are meant to be.

In their own sweet time.

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "nice, good kids."

Right Now

Right now...

-  The dog and the cat are both asleep on my bed with me.  Every once in a while, one of them will sigh and stretch.  They often touch each other.  I think they find comfort in the other and in me.  I rub my face in their fur- Axle, smells like rain and wet dog, Morph is soft and smells of dust, from where ever he spent the day hiding.  I love them both so much.

- Sawyer is asleep in her bed.  I have pulled the blankets up on her again, but I know, soon, she will kick them off again.  Her hair is spread over her pillow and her arms and legs are thrown in opposite directions.  Her sleep is deep and wonderful. 

- Sebastian hums in his sleep sometimes.  I have checked to see if he is awake, but he's not.  Finally asleep, finally resting that big, bad brain of his.  I know he will be up in the night, his need to do and move will drive him.  And when I see the light come from under his door, I will swing in and be the bad guy and force him back to bed.  And he will finish his night of sleep.  But for now, he can hum in his sleep.

- Big Bang Theory is on TV.  Enough said.

- I have apple candles on the bedside tables, and beautiful red gerber daisies in vases. 

- I have a pleasant ache in my thigh muscles, from tonight's workout.  My shoulders feel wobbly and sore, but good.  I have a glowy feeling in my skin, from sweat and work.  It's a good feeling, not one that I have had much in my life, but I am enjoying it now. 

- Geoff is playing with his friend in the basement.  Tonight, he made me an amazing dinner.  I feel lucky right now, very lucky.

Right now, my life is good.  Sure, there is stuff to pick up, there is knitting and crafts to do, stuff to put away.  But for now, right now...

well...it's all I could ask for.

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "Now".

Sunday, March 4, 2012


That's all I am hoping for...breakthroughs.  I guess, when I think about it, it is a lot to ask.  A change from the ordinary, the day-to-day, from the way it's always been.

We are making headway (i.e. having a breakthrough) with the work on the bedroom.  For weeks now, I have been getting dressed from my dining room table.  Finally, we have our new wardrobes up and put together.  My clothes are hanging or folded or whatever and organized.  I have a bedside table (I have a bedside, and am not jammed against the wall, getting in and out of bed from the foot!) and an alarm clock again.  It is starting to look like a bedroom, and a nice one at that.  We need to finish the trim, and hang curtains, and then it is the fun, little decorating touches.  We still need to figure out what we are doing with the TV and the closet (wall shelves or a built in unit???) but it is functional and neat enough for now.

The rest of the house??  Not so much.  We rearranged the kids' rooms yesterday, to accommodate some of the furniture from our (Sebastian got the book case that Kit built for Geoff 15 years ago, and Sawyer got Sebastian's 2 book shelves.)   I steam cleaned both our bedroom and Sebastian's.  There is something strangely satisfying about dumping out buckets of black, dirty water, that was previously ground into your carpet.  Sawyer's room still needs to be done (desperately!) and I want to do the chairs in the living room.  The couches downstairs and the hallway need it, but they can wait. 
I need to give the house a good cleaning too, but also want a little rest.  We will see what wins out today.  I have a bridal shower this afternoon, so depending on how long that takes, it might just have to wait.

I am inspired by the changes in our room, and want to take another renovation.  Unfortunately, renovations cost money, so it might have to wait a bit.  But at least we are stepping forward, and making headway.  Breaking through, you might say.
Sebastian's stutter seems to be getting worse.  We have now signed on a speech therapist to work with him twice a month.  We have tons of homework to do, and I will admit, this past week, I have not been as diligent as I should have been.  Now that there is breathing room in our bedrooms and elsewhere, I plan on tackling this head on.  Smooth vs bumping talking, tracking the stutters, all that jazz.  And if I do, maybe we can see another breakthrough.

I have been working out.  I know, I know, it's crazy.  However, I found a plan, and for some crazy reason, it makes sense to me.  It gives me some freedom of choice, but also helps me understand what it is I should chose.  In this day and age, it is a little ridiculous that I am still relatively clueless when it comes to healthy choices, but I am, so this is very helpful.  It has been working, at least for the first 2 weeks.  And now, I am plateaued, and it stinks.  I work out 6 days a week, and haven't eaten bad shit in a month, and in 2 weeks, I had lost a total of half a pound.  REALLY?!?!?  Come on!!!  That is so incredibly unfair.

But today, the scale moved.  A little.  So, it's giving me hope that maybe a breakthrough is coming.  All this hard work can't be for nothing.  Something has to happen.  Something has to give. Please.

So, those are the breakthroughs I am hoping for.  Wishing for.  Working towards.  There is lots more I need to tackle- organization, work, taxes, yard, etc, etc, etc.  But this is a start.  These are the things that make me feel good.  So I will stick with them.

For now.

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "new lights at the end of old tunnels".

Saturday, March 3, 2012


Wow, is it windy today!

We are all out of sorts, even the dog and the cat.  Everyone seems a little on edge, and it will just take the smallest thing to push us over.  Sawyer is quick to cry, Sebastian seems disconnected.  I woke up grumpy and miserable.  Geoff is just quiet and thoughtful.

And the whole time, the soundtrack playing in the background is the wind.  Constant, relentless.

Every once in a while we hear a bang and rush to the windows to see if we lost anything.  I am really worried about my big pine tree in the front yard.  It has lasted this long, but I know, someday, a wind will come that will break it, and down it will come.  Either into the house, the driveway or the power lines running beside us.  So far, today, Mr. Pine is standing strong.  Keep going, big guy.

The dog lays down and whines the whole time.  He can't rest.  He's up and down the stairs and wanting to go out.  I worry, though, because the gate won't stay closed.  He honestly loves the wind. He will sit on the side porch, on the top step, with his eyes closed, face to the wind.  I can only imagine what he reads on it, what he learns.  I just let him out, hopefully not too long.

I feel itchy.  Restless.  There is so much to do, and I can't concentrate enough to do it.  I went for my work out this morning and have felt weird ever since.

Aren't there folk tales about craziness coming on the wind?  Can't it drive people out of their minds?

I can start to hear the birds chirping, over the sound of the blowing.  Maybe that means it is slowing down.  I will focus on that.

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "nor'eastern blowin'."

Friday, March 2, 2012

Good Day

Today was a good day.  Sebastian, earlier this week, won the Perseverance award at school.  The school has a character trait each month, that they celebrate, and Sebastian won it.  He got an Effort award in December as well. That's a big deal for a little guy like him.

Then today, they sent a letter home from school.  I had had to go into work for some training, so I missed him coming home.  When I got in the door, Geoff called him up from the basement, and told him to tell me what had happened at school today.

Now, lately, we have been having occassional issues with Sebastian hitting his therapists.  I honestly, truly in my heart of hearts do NOT believe he has any malicious intent with it.  He is not hitting to hurt.  But he has been getting frustrated lately, especially with his stutter, and he is starting to exert his independance more often.  So, when someone, particularily someone he doesn't know, tries to make him do something he really doesn't want to do, he can lash out.  Sometimes it is literally just flailing arms, trying to keep you back and away from him.  Other times, it is more purposeful, a push or a slap to make you stop and go away.  Pretty much every time it has happened, after we have had a talk about hitting and inappropriate behaviour, he hasn't touched the same person again. 

So, when Geoff said we got a letter, I was dreading what it said.  But I took one look at my boy, and saw the twinkle in his eyes.  He was dancing his way to me, and I knew it was good news.  I don't even think he really understood what the news was, he just knew that it would make me happy.  I took the paper, and saw that on the outside, it was written "To the Student of the Month". 

That was all I needed.

I bent down and looked him in the face.  His grin was so wide, it was almost as big as my own.  I picked him up in the tight, tight, tight hug he loves so much and lifted him right off the ground.  I couldn't have been happier. 

And what made it so great was that he was happy that I was happy.  We connected so well.  It was absolutely perfect.  I couldn't have cared less what the letter said at that point.  It was that moment, that living, breathing, laughing, smiling, fucking perfect instant in time...that was all that I needed. 

Although the free meal at the Mandarin is good too. 

p.s.  While I am enjoying a great day, my poor sister-in-law is not.  Her beloved cat is very ill, and it looks like they are going to lose her.  It hurts my heart, and I wish I could help.  I can't help but look at my own Morphie, who just keeps on keepin' on.  I worry about him, and I can't imagine what I will do when he is gone. I know this will break Holly a little, and it makes me cry for her.  So, Holly, I am sending all my happy thoughts, and good juju your way.  I hope they can help, even just a little. 

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "nice way to end a week."

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Ideas of March

Yes, yes, I know, it's supposed to be the Ides of March, but as I stated in a previous blog, I like ideas, very much.  So there.

I am very excited for March to be here.  March is spring time, March is March break (and my first 2 vacation days of the year coming up!).  March is getting ready for Easter, and seeing my crocuses bloom. 

I am a little worried that today is mild.  What's that old saying "in like a lion, out like a lamb"?  If it's coming in like a lamb, does that mean the lion is still out there?

My little ducky is under the weather and snuggled up in my bed.  Big dark circles under eyes, I can hear her laughing as she watches Max and Ruby.

I have been almost 4 weeks on my new diet and exercise, health and wellness regime.  My weight loss is stalled and I am beginning to get frustrated.  I didn't work this hard to lose .2 pounds.

My house is an absolute disaster area.  My bedroom renovation still isn't finished, and there are clothes and furniture and dust and dog hair everywhere.  I sometimes hate coming home, because I am so sick of looking at it.

But still...it's March.  I have a smile in my heart today, because it's March.

February is always one of the hardest months for me to get through.  This year wasn't too bad, with occasionally sunny days, and some spring like breezes.  It was a tease though, because the snow and the cold always seemed to come back, and seep into my bones.

But March...It's my verb, that keeps me going, that helps me plow ahead.  It's the month that returns my light and my hope that summer is coming and all the promise, laying just under the black slush and muck, will spring out green and wonderful.  Soon, so soon.

So, I will sit and work and dream of warmer days and clean houses.  And begin to enjoy my March.

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "New month, new attitude".