"Change, when it comes, cracks everything open."
Dorothy Allen

Sunday, January 9, 2011

A tangled web

So, I saw someone the other day.  I was eating lunch at Tim Horton's, having my typical soup and bagel combo with green tea, and I saw him in line.  Someone I haven't seen in about 15 years.  Someone I cared about.  Someone I still think about, from time to time.

I don't think he saw me, or at least, he didn't give any indication that he did.  He placed his order, got it and left. 

I missed parts of my conversation, because I watched him go.

So now, of course, I keep remembering.  And thinking.

Don't get me wrong.  I love my life.  I love Geoff, and my kids and my home and where and what I am.  But of course, you can't help but wonder "What if?"  Especially if that "what if" walked right by you with his double-double in hand.

Of all the boys that I have known, this was the one that I think might have really cared about me, if given half the chance.  Nothing really every happened between us.  But I remember people telling me that they hadn't ever seen him act this way before with a girl.  That he would ask about me.  That he was different around me. 

I guess it wasn't the right time, or wasn't meant to be.  I was very unsure around boys back then, not willing to put anything out there, unless I was sure I was getting something back.  I never really believed that someone liked me- why would they??  My self doubt made me miss opportunities, or not even see them at all.

But I remember meeting him, the first time.  He let me wear his leather jacket, because I was cold.  He shared a beer with me.  I think we held hands.  Nothing more. 

I heard, about a year ago, about a conversation that he had had fairly recently with someone.  He had been a bit down, and was talking about how all his friends were married, with kids, and yet he wasn't.  He didn't expect that to ever change.  When they tried to cheer him up, and tell him that he could meet someone, that things could get better, he said " I had my chances.  All the good ones are taken."

Sometimes, in my more vain moments, I wonder if I am included in that thought.

Anyway, the other day, I saw a boy I once knew.

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "Not taken".  Of course, I am refering to that famous road....

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