"Change, when it comes, cracks everything open."
Dorothy Allen

Sunday, May 29, 2011

A work in progress

It's been a month since we finished our backlog work and met the deadline for our year end at work.  A month.  I can't believe it.  And I am still tired.

I know there are alot of other things at play here, but I think at least part of my fatigue is carry over from all that work.  It really hasn't slowed up much.  I still have more on my plate than I can handle.  I don't really work overtime (says she that was up until 1230 last night, writing training material) and I have been taking time off.  But I still feel overwhelmed.  I am starting to wonder if this is going to be a perpetual state of being for me.

I feel guilty when I am not doing something.  Anything.  But I can't keep doing things, I am too frigging tired.  It is a vicious circle.

I know I haven't been taking care of myself.  I feel it.  I feel like crap most days.  I look horrible.  My skin is awful, I have more zits now that I have had in the last 2 decades.  I hate my clothes, my hair and my eyebrows look like Brooke Shields from the Blue Lagoon days. (Tangent- I would love to see that movie again, I wonder if it is on DVD???  Hmmmm)

My horoscope on Facebook today was :

Your Daily Horoscope

You may find that your subconscious mind is playing tricks on you today, especially where your self-image is concerned. You are likely to be a bit overly self-conscious right now. Relax, and let things flow. You will brighten up when you cut yourself some slack.

Not that I particularily believe that an autogenerated function on a computer can tell the future and predict my present, but it was a little freaky.

Yesterday, Sawyer and I went out to play.  Not being able to not do something, I pulled out the lawn mower and cut the back yard (I had done the front yard earlier in the day.)

Then she and I were swinging and she was sliding.  Then she was jumping in the trampoline.

I had to sit back and watch her.  She is amazing.  Here is this roly poly little girl- crazy red hair all over the place, in her yellow shirt, purple pants and a pink tutu over top.  She is jumping with all her might, with her Woody doll in her hands.  Her head is back and she holds Woody up to the sky as she jumps, because he is flying and so is she.  She jumps and jumps and laughs.

And I sit and watch and smile.  I don't remember being that free.  I don't remember being that unself concious.  I suppose I was, at one time in my life, but I have no recollection of it. 

And I realize, I don't smile enough.  Or laugh enough.  I don't relax- really, really relax- enough.  I don't have fun enough.  I have this constant weight of guilt on my shoulders- guilt about work, about the family, about money, and bills, and photographs.  About friends and enemies.  About school and therapy and medication.  About autism, potty training.  About books unread and things unsaid. 

Is that what being a grown up is?

Yesterday, I had a talk with Geoff about something long overdue.  It was hard to have, and he was great and listened well.  I don't know if he understands how hard some things are to say, out loud.  I think he does, because he doesn't say them either.

And no, we aren't splitting up, or anything like that. :)  All is well.

So, with all this on my mind, I am going to try and work on me and home today.  Clean a little, play a little.  Maybe take a nap.  Plan an attack.  Balance a budget.  Alot on my plate for today, like always.  But, I guess it helps to have hope, and I have some.  A little.  It will have to do.

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "not wanting to grow up."

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