"Change, when it comes, cracks everything open."
Dorothy Allen

Monday, May 28, 2012


The last couple of days have centred alot around adjusting.  First, I was trying to wrap my head around the fact that someone had reported me as "abusive" on our photography blog.  Through a Cracked Lens, our horror one- that wouldn't have surprised me at all! We deserve it and would welcome it!  However this was on our special needs/children and family portraits blog, so it came out of left field.

My sister-in-law had a good idea on what it could have been, and since it was better than anything I could come up with, we did the minor edits and have moved on.  In fact, we are doing a vendor table at the Cycle for Autism event this Saturday, on Merritt Island in Welland.  Yes, this is the same group whose page had our links removed.  But I know it wasn't actually the group, just a disgruntled someone that belongs on the page.  I have decided to try and not hold a grudge and adjust my thinking.  Move forward.  The exposure can only help us, so I hope it's a good day. 

Of course, our big adjustment is the loss of Morph yesterday.  After he was gone, Geoff, especially, spent much of the afternoon cleaning away the last traces of Morph.  Morph had been peeing in the hallway downstairs, and had had accidents all over.  Geoff steamcleaned the carpets and bleached the floors.  He took all the litterboxes out (we had 3) and essentially removed all traces of Morph.  It bothered me a little and I told him that we didn't have to erase him from our lives all in one day.  He found a picture of Morph and Boo Radley, one of our other cats, and gave it to Sawyer to keep near her.  I think that was his apology.  But I do have to admit, the basement smells much better. 

I feel a bit of guilt over this next statement, but it does feel a bit like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders with Morph passing on.  I worried so much about him, getting him his shots, making sure he ate, trying to get him to drink, is he using the litter, are the kids bugging him, how are his scratches doing, etc, etc, etc.  Since about last November, I have half expected to find him dead, somewhere in the house (not that he was that bad, it was just a fear of mine.)  And now that he's gone, I don't have that pressure on me anymore.  I miss him like crazy, but I don't miss that. 

I was talking about him to my boss today.  He had just put his own dog down, about 2 or 3 months ago, so he knows what it's about. And we talked about how neither of us wanted to make "that decision".  I probably could have put Morph down a week or 2, or even a month ago.  Geoff and I talked about it lots of times over the years, especially when he was peeing on everything in sight.  But I couldn't do it.  I didn't want to make the decision that today was his last day to live. Until the very end, when the decision was essentially out of my hands, and I knew in my heart that it was the right and humane thing to do, I couldn't do it. I didn't feel like it was my decision to make.  He completely understood.  He felt the same way.  Somehow, that make me feel better.  I thought I was a bad pet owner, because I had let Morphie live so long.  Now I know, I was a good pet mom.  :)

Another big adjustment is that I have a new boss at work.  This is his 2nd week with us.  I had worked with him before, on a previous client.  While we didn't always see eye to eye before, I did respect him.  He stood up for what he believed in and for his team.  He never got pushed around.  He was smart and knew his processes cold.  He is exact opposite of the nightmare I am currently stuck with (who is supposed to be gone by the end of June, but seems to have checked out early, if you catch my drift.  Very little is getting done in that office now.)  I have enjoyed my interactions with him so far, and for the first time in a really, REALLY long time, I am feeling an emotion at work that I thought was completely dead.


I am optimistic about the future.  Sure, I worry that it might be too little, too late.  There has been a LOT of damage done, God only knows how much.  There are still some sketchy decisions being made, that I really don't understand the motivations behind (granted, I am also not privy to all the information, so I am speculating in the dark here).  But, I think bring this new guy on board is one of the smartest decisions made there in a good long time.  Like I said, I am adjusting, and happy to do it.

On the weightloss front, I am almost up to 55 lbs.  Hooray!  I had stalled for a while there- part of it was a natural plateau, and part of it was my motivation.  It has been 16 weeks..probably the longest I have ever stuck with any kind of program.  And I am missing things.  Oh yeah, I have bitched about it before, but I miss pizza and chicken wings and fried foods and pop and cheese and sauces and pasta.  I miss chocolate and candy and iced tea.  I miss mayo and white bread with peanut butter and jam. 

But I can do up my motorcycle boots with no problem.  :)  They are my favorites.  They are big and clunky and ugly, but I don't care.  They are so comfy and awesome.  They have 2 zippers running up the front.  I used to do up one of the zippers all the way, and the other gapped at the top, where it wouldn't fit around my calf.  Then, after a while, I could get it done up all the way, but it was pretty tight, and at the end of the day, the creases in the leather would leave half inch grooves carved into my legs, that took hours to disappear.  And now...well, now, they are loose.  They do up so easily.

It's the little things like that that I love adjusting too.

I am sure there is more, but for now, the littles are both still popping out of bed.  Time to rustle them down again. 

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "new can be good".

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