Beaner

With the amazing weather we have been having lately, I have been having some great times with my Sawyer Bean. 

Riding bikes.
Asking why the pedals turn the wheels.

I experience motherhood differently with Sawyer, than I do with Sebastian.  Part of it is my age.  I was 7 years older and wiser when I had Sawyer.  I had 7 years of experience dealing with all that life can throw at you, heartbreaks and laughter and trauma and love, in terms of Sebastian and his issues.  I was prepared for the worst and wish, wish, wishing for the best.  I hoped and dreamed about my baby girl for 5 years, through early morning drives, injections, humiliations, tests, tests and more tests.  So, yeah, the experience of raising Sawyer has been different, starting at my very core.

Movie Star pose.
Full of sass.

Sawyer herself, is very different from Sebastian.  She is much more "typical" when it comes to her interests and joys, but in an amazing way, she is not at all typical.  What she says and does at any given time can drive me crazy, make me laugh and is always, ALWAYS memorable.

Always on the move.

What I have been trying to do lately is to stay true and really present in her life.  I know the years, these years, when she is young an uninhibited and free are so short, I really try to make sure that I am living and experiencing all of them.  Yes, maybe that makes me over indulgent.  Maybe I laugh when I should be stern.  Maybe I allow her to be more wild than is socially acceptable.  But I don't care.  What she gives me back is worth all the headaches and more.

Farmgirl Sawyer

She wakes me every morning when she climbs into my bed.  "Good morning, my pretty mommy" is her response, when I say good morning to my pretty princess.

She told me the other day that the apple pie pancakes I made her (regular pancakes with cinnamon and cut up apples in them) were the best things she had ever eaten. 

She thinks I am a genius.  She wants me to stay home, and not go to "big" work.  She tells me that she misses me when I am gone. 

She notices every single time I wear lipstick.  She always wants to give me makeovers. 

And when I sit on the front lawn, in the grass, and watch her pedal her way up and down the street on her tricycle, my heart swells.  She rides past me, yelling "Go, Sawyer, go!  You are gonna win!!" and I marvel at the confidence she has in herself.  I think about how I can make sure that she never loses that.  I worry that the world will beat it out of her.  And then I watch her try and try and try to master the scooter.  And again, I am amazed when she does it.  And I think, how is it that she has the gumption and drive to keep trying?  Why doesn't she get discouraged and give up?  How does she keep her effort focussed?  And I love her a little bit more.

Suited up.

Sawyer reminds me of what it's like to be a kid.  She makes me remember what playing in the sandbox and swinging on swings, going oh so very high, felt like.  She reminds me of picking flowers for my mom, and petting every fuzzy animal I could find.  She makes me remember and relive so many good things- about summer time, and lemonade and water from the hose. 

When her hugs are sticky and sweet, and her kisses on my nose smell like peanut butter and apple juice, there is really nothing better in the world. 

Sawyer makes me thankful for everything I have.  I don't have much, but I have her, and Bastian, and most of the time, it is more than enough.

Me and my girl.

I am the luckiest mom in the world.

Rosie N. Grey

 The N stands for "need my little girl".