"Change, when it comes, cracks everything open."
Dorothy Allen

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Starting Over

Hello all my favourite people (of course, anyone that reads my blog instantly become one of my favourites!)

Yes, I have been absent for a while.  There has been other demands on my time and energy lately, and I found that I had little to spare for writing.  With that said, I am specifically focussed on writing tonight, to try and catch everyone up on some of the little things that have been happening in our life lately.

If you have done any back reading of my posts, you know that a major focus of my life lately has been my weight loss journey.  The past month has been a bit of a wash for me.  I am about 10 lbs lighter at this point that I was last month around the same time, but that progress seems very slow, compared to what has come before.  I understand that it is natural for the weight loss to slow down and even plateau.  Unfortunately, I also know that some of this is due to my own counter-productive choices, rather than a natural delay in my body's ability to reset itself.

I have had a couple of days, where there were activities or events that involved food.  I have struggled to make the right choices.  Often, I don't.  I have had some beers, I have had some munchies.  I have eaten carbs and sweets.

Overall, my choices are still better than they have been for a lot of my life.  I choose fruits and veggies.  I limit my carb intake.  I drink water like it's going out of style.  But, I am still on that slippery slope.

When it comes to exercise, I have been doing...well, ok, I guess.  My lovely sister in law got me some Jillian Michaels DVDs.  I started using the one I was most interested in, the 30 Day Shred.  Basically, there are 3 versions, and you do each one for 10 days.  By the end of 30 days, you are supposed to be completely "shredded".

Yeah, ok.

So, I started.  I was actually very proud of myself.  The very first night I started, I did the level 1 workout.  When I finished, I realized that while the work out was good, it really didn't challenge me as much as I would have liked.  It is only 20 minutes long, so with one that short, I need to make sure that it is doing everything that I need it to do.  So, I decided that I would do the level 2 workout right then and there.  It was much harder and I worked up the sweat that I really wanted and needed.  So I was off to a great start.

But then, work happened (I will blog more about this later).  And basically, I started working crazy hours again, and exercise just flew out the window.  All my good intentions fell by the wayside, and my sleep really suffered.  Once of the best things of my health and wellness journey has been the fact that I was getting a good 7 or 8 hours of sleep a night.  I had stopped dragging ass all day long, and actually started dreaming again. And last week, it just went back to where I was 5 months ago- exhausted, stressed out, angry and bitter.

So, in light of all this, I have done some soul searching.  And what I have discovered and come to realize is that I need to start over.

What I think one of my major issues was, was that my weight loss was more successful than I ever thought possible.  I have lost 60lbs.  I have hit milestones that I thought I would never see again.  I don't know that I ever thought that this would really succeed.  I know that it is strange to say that I am struggling now, because I was too successful before, but it's true. I think what has happened is that because I never thought I would get to where I am, I am getting complacent. Why try and loose another 10, 20, 30, 40 lbs, when I am already at a place that I am thrilled to be at??  It's difficult to explain, and I know I am not doing it very well. I am still just figuring it out myself.

So, what I need to do, is get out of my complacency.  I have to drop that smug feeling.  Now, don't get me wrong.  I don't think that I look that great.  I still have too much weight on my body.  I now have all new problems of crow's feet, turkey neck and loose skin everywhere to deal with.  I am still not happy with the size of clothes that I have to buy- even though it is 5 sizes smaller than it was.  So, while things are good- better than ever- I do recognize that I still have a long way to go.

So, to my way of thinking, the best thing that I can do is start over.  Reset the clock.  Basically accept that what has happened up to today is done, and this is my new normal.  And start over.

So, as of now, I have lost 0 lbs.  I have lost 0 inches.   This is my starting weight, my starting size, my before picture.

This doesn't mean that I am not proud of my journey so far.  The complete opposite, I am thrilled.  But I am also really worried that if I don't do this, this might be the end of my journey.  Or- God forbid- the beginning of my journey back up.  Please, anything but that.

So, today is my new day one.  Today, June 24, I am embarking on a weight loss journey.  I will try and get to my goal weight, to be healthy and well for myself, for my family and for everyone around me.   Wish me luck.

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "new day dawning".

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