"Change, when it comes, cracks everything open."
Dorothy Allen

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Need a change

I have had a rough couple of days at work.  For a number of reasons, really.

First, I had a few days off in August.  And I was super productive and engaged in my home life during those days.  And they made me realize (or just reminded me) of what is really important.  My home, my family, my friends, my own peace of mind.  They were good days, happy days, and I want more of them.  It makes me wonder why I can't have them, and why the expectation in our modern society, is that your happy, fulfilled, contented days will be few and far between, limited only to the selected days off and vacation days that you might be allotted.  Why can't I live my life that way?  What's wrong with wanting, hoping and expecting that? Why does it feel selfish and self-indulgent to feel that way?  Anyway, these days off made going back to work that much harder.

Second, I have restarted with the laws of attraction/Secret purpose.  I am doing the work, reading the books and trying to make good things happen.  And they are!  Some of them are simply amazing.  But my big stumbling block is work.  I find it sooooo hard to be positive there.  There is alot of negativity in my team and all around me, it is very difficult not to be sucked in.  I struggle very much with that.  The good news is that one of my co-workers might be jumping on the Secret bandwagon, so having someone else support me in this would be very beneficial.  I have my fingers crossed.  One of my daily mantras and visualizations is " I do what I love.  My days are filled with  my heart's passion."  To be honest, I don't really know for sure what that is, but I know what I am doing ain't it.

Thirdly, I have been doing crafts and things at home.  I am trying to raise some extra money to help pay Sebastian's tuition for school.  It might seem tacky or weird, but the simple fact is, I need help.  I can keep us living on my salary- pay the bills, put food on the table, keep the roof over our heads.  But the extra hit of the tuition, it's gonna be so hard.  So, every little bit extra helps.  I won't take him out of the school, and if that means I sell my cars and my home to do it, I will.  I will do whatever it takes to get him what he needs.  I am starting small, doing wreaths, small crafts, a garage sale.  I am trying to be positive and draw abundance to me.  It's doing pretty well, and I am encouraged.  Everyone is being super supportive.  It has been fun to be creative.  So again, this makes the monotony and ridiculousness of my regular job that much harder to swallow.  You would think it would be the opposite (at least I thought so)- that with other distractions in my life, the day to day would be easier to bear and get through.  But it's not.  It's harder.  It feels like it sucks the life and light of of me.  I build it up, only to lose it again.

Fourth, the job sucks.  It really, really does.  At this point, about the only thing I like about it is the paycheque and the immediate people I work with.  It is frustrating in every aspect.  I feel as though I am treading water.  I am getting to a point that I had been successful in staving off for a while, but the dread I feel in my stomach when I walk through the doors is unmistakeable.

I need a change.

I am not making an huge announcements here.  I haven't quit, nor will I quit until I have a solid back up plan. I am first and foremost a responsible parent and adult.  I would never, EVER leave a job and impact my family negatively, just to make myself feel better.  However, I do recognize that as long as I am unhappy, I am not the person I should be and was meant to be, especially for my family, the people I most want to protect and cherish.

I am realizing, year by year, that life is short.  Very short.  I am where I am today, because of the choices I have made.  I understand that.  I really do.  So now, I want to make the choices to change it.  I started with my weight loss (and that journey continues!)  My next mountain is this job.  I guess it's time to start climbing.

Sorry if this was whiny.  It was on my mind today.

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "next step".


  1. I don't blame you one bit.
    First, congrats on working with the Law of Attraction. It truly is powerful. The one thought that I've been focusing on (for a long time) is "I have the money I need to buy the things I need and want." This has made it a bit easier to spend money, for me anyhow.
    Also, I feel bad that you are stuck in a soul-sucking job. I hope to never be there. But by changing your focus and working on other things, you will be able to move beyond this mountain, I am sure of it.
    Take this energy, and convert it into something better. Figure out what it is you DO want to do, so that you can work toward "doing what you love". That's kinda where I am - I have no idea what I would honestly love to do all day every day.... Together, we can help each other.

    1. Thanks for the comment! I love that you use the Law of Attraction. It is pretty amazing to implement and see working in your life. I am pretty sure most of the people around me think it is just crazy talk...until I start telling them about all the amazing things that happen. I try to convert everyone I can! I love the idea of supporting each other to find your life's purpose and heart's passion! Count me in!

  2. Great post Anita!

    I'm sorry your job is so.....ugh. I get it. Life is not about work. But we do need to spend most of our time at work. So when you work with people who are unhappy and won't stop talking about how unhappy they are and there is literally nothing you can do to make them happy, it really sucks any joy you might get out of work.

    I have been through that with a past job and I have some of that in my current job also. I respond by surrounding my cube in beauty...artwork that makes me feel good, photos of people I love, music on my iPod that makes me happy. I try to just be zen and above anything I hear coming out of someone else's mouth. It doesn't always work.

    But sometimes it does...those are good work days.

    1. Hey Laura! Thanks for commenting! I agree, surrounding yourself with beauty helps, not just for work, but in everything. I am trying to live by the code- if it isn't beautiful or useful, get rid of it! And that applies to the people in your life too! Keeping focussed on the good can work miracles, but some days are harder than others. Glad things are going well for you! :)