"Change, when it comes, cracks everything open."
Dorothy Allen

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Ferris Bueller kind of day

I had a Ferris Bueller kind of day today.

No, I didn't play hookie from work.  I showed up (for my version of showed up, read yesterday's post) and worked my day.  But it felt like a day full of distractions, kind of really awesome one, lucky coincidences and a good soundtrack (I heard a new song today.  I fricking love it.) 

It started this morning.  It was grey and overcast.  The last couple of days, almost a week, I have been waking up really early, like 430 or 5am, and being unable to get back to sleep.  I lay here, thinking that I should log in and start work early, but that feels like I am giving up on sleep altogether.  And I am a fighter, I won't give in that easy. 

But this morning, as I lay there on my side, watching grey clouds drift by, watching the waves of wind blow through my favourite maple tree, thinking deep thoughts and believing I am the only person in the world awake, I got a text.  I had sent one last night, and the person had just received it this morning.  So I ended up having a lovely little chat, in the grey light of this morning.  It was enough to settle my brain, and I went back to sleep again.  Just for a little while.

When I woke up again, the sky was still grey, threatening rain.  The breeze coming in the window was cool.  My dad had thought about taking the kids fishing today, but I wasn't sure if that would happen now, with the sky looking this way.  But he called after a while, and said the plan was still on.  I was excited for them, they hadn't been yet this year.  And I was excited for me.  I love my children, but I see them a lot.  All day, pretty much.  Every day.  I wouldn't say that I am looking forward to school starting, but I certainly am not going to be sad about a bit of alone time.

I took Geoff into work, and had a nice drive in and back.  Good tunes on the radio, singing along.  Blue skies, occasionally peeking around the clouds.

Because it was cool, I got to dress the way I love- shorts and a sweater. I swear, it's probably my favourite thing ever.  I wore my old cutoffs, that are big and fall off sometimes now, and my comfy green sweater.  It is stretched out and old, but I love it.  Dressing this way makes me think of the fall, of outdoor festivals, of good times.  So, right off the bat, I was happy and comfortable.

After I got home, my dad came and picked up the kids.  They were a little crazy, but excited to be going.  I dumped the rest of the cupcakes, left over from Geoff's birthday yesterday, on my dad, for my mom and brother.  I was glad they were out of the house, so that I wouldn't be tempted by their carby deliciousness, since I am trying to be keto again, and had already broken yesterday. 

I worked in between all these adventures, but try as I might, I couldn't focus on one particular task.  Some of it was because the work itself won't allow me to..as soon as I start something, someone pings me to ask a question.  I start investigating an issue, and discover another problem altogether.  I talk about something with someone, and it reminds them of this whole other thing that they needed to tell me.  It is pretty much the nature of the beast.  Some of it was just this restlessness inside me.  Jumpy butterflies in my stomach, for no good reason, other than I had people and things in my brain.  My thoughts would wander, and I would start to smile big goofy grins. 

This morning, my boss called me.  I love my boss, he is a great guy.  Bill and I used to work together, very closely, just before I went off on maternity leave with Sawyer.  We were peers and we got along great.  I brought a sense of reality to the job- with my swearing and coarse ways, with my constant tangents and my ability to get angry and not show it to anyone.  He brought the levelheadedness in- he can talk the talk and walk the walk, and can calm the most frazzled nerves.  I knew I had hooked him when our morning conversations both contained the word "fuck" within the first 2 sentences.  Ah, the good old days.  Anyway, when he came back and became my boss, all was cool.   We aren't as close as we used to be, and that's fine, but we are still comfortable with each other, and I still like him a whole lot.  He's a good egg.

Anyway, my point in all of this is to say that while I like my boss and I am in no way afraid or intimidated by him, I still get nervous when I get invitations or requests to speak with him.  I seem to have this pessimistic streak in me- no matter how hard I fight it, it always appears, whispering naughty little things into my brain, making me think that I am likely on the verge of being fired.  Even if I have no idea what I might have done wrong. 

My fears, however ridiculous, were completely misplaced (at least today!)  We had a lovely chat, and things went swimmingly.  All was well with my world, maybe even a little better than they were before we talked.  And I like those kinds of talks. 

I had made a lunch date with one of my very favourite people in the world today.  Teresa and I haven't been in touch as much this summer.  With Sebastian's surgeries and vacations on both sides, it has been kinda crazy busy, and we had just fallen out of touch.  I was feeling the loss.  So I was very excited to have a chance to chat with her today.  We went to one of our favourite restaurants, and had a lovely time.  She looked incredibly beautiful and was so lovely and gracious and I just realized how much I missed her in my life.  T- I promise.  No more slacking.  No more bad friend.

Back home quickly and back to work.  I had meetings through most of the afternoon.  But on my ride home, I again noticed that blue sky.  The clouds were gone now, and the sun was out.  It was not warm, but wasn't as cold as it was this morning.  As I drove, I had this amazing feeling in the pit of my stomach.  It was all about possibilities.  It was about hope, and wonder and magic, and just feeling kinda fucking awesome.  Nothing was going wrong today.  Even when things did, it didn't feel like anything bad. 

So, back to work.  Meetings, meetings, meetings.  Chats with people about today's emergencies, personal issues, questions on process.  Trying to fit in some of my actual assigned work in between.  And again, through all this- no stress.  I am normally feeling pulled in different directions, not sure what emergency should be tackled first.  Today I didn't.  Jeez, I would say that I was actually zen.  It was freaky, and crazy, but so great.

Even when I got told, late in the day, that I have to actually go into the office tomorrow, I was all good.
When I found out, after a particularly smelly episode, that I was all out of cat litter, I was smiling.
When I looked in Sawyer's room at today's disaster, I just shook my head and cleaned it up. 

I swear, you couldn't shake me. 

So what caused this?  Shit, I wish I knew.  I would bottle it and sell it, after keeping a healthy dose for myself. 

I know some of it is the relationships around me.  I spent the night last night with some of my best friends in the world.  It was lovely and amazing and everyone was gracious and awesome.  The conversation and SteamWhistle flowed constantly, and I felt encompassed by warmth and love.  Is that silly?  Is that trite and reeking of Hallmark?  Don't give a shit, it's true. 

Some of it is conversations I have had lately.  Some of my relationships had been growing strained.  It was me- all me.  I was letting the stress of my life creep into every aspect of my interactions with other people.  I was pushing people away, isolating myself, building this safe little bubble where I could exist.  It was safe and sound, but it was dark.  It was regular and routine, but it was getting a bit boring and very, very lonely.  Lately, I have been talking more.  Telling the truth, no matter how hard or scary.  Pushing myself to tell people the things that I am thinking.  How crazy is it that it is hard, really fucking hard, to tell someone that you think they are great?  That you love them?  That you think they are amazing, and that you admire them and that you want to be around them more?  That should never be a hard conversation, but it is.  Because there is always the chance that they are not going to feel the same way.  So, people....be prepared- loving Anita is out and on the loose!  You have been warned.

And today, I received compliments.  Yes, I am shallow.  I can admit it.  But someone telling you that you are pretty, or smart or funny, or whatever- it can just make your fricking day.  Especially when that person is a boy.  ;) 

Seriously, though, I think it proves- when you have that confidence, when you have that glow, when your head is higher and you are just fucking owning it, it shows.  People are attracted to it.  Life just gets a little bit better.

So to you- those people that are making the difference right now- thank you.  I will do my best to deserve this.  I will do my best to return it. 

But for now, I am just going to enjoy it, a little while longer.  I honestly kinda don't want today to end. 

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "nice effing day."

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