"Change, when it comes, cracks everything open."
Dorothy Allen

Friday, January 3, 2014


So, it's a new year.  Hooray!

I really try not to be one of those people that are ecstatically glad that the old year is done, because it was so incredibly shitty, or terrible, or boring, or whatever else.  I try to remember that there were amazing things that happened in the year, even though it always seems to be so much easier to remember the bad stuff.  With that being said, I am a tiny bit, sorta kinda glad that I get to experience a brand new year.  I get to move on, I get to keep going and living and loving and moving. 

So, I will miss 2013.  But not too awful much.  Of course, as I look back through my year of blog posts, I wish that I had blogged more.  I really struggled with that, especially in the 2nd half of the year.  I wish I had taken more pictures, and done more things.  I wish I had reached out to more friends, and made new ones. 

But these are pretty common wishes.  I think everybody has them.  I have other, more specific...not quite regrets, but maybe missed opportunities.  I won't get into them here, but I think of them, and I carry them with me.  Hopefully I will get to learn from them, and correct the mistakes.

Yes, this is behind me, and I still have my thoughts and feelings and all of that.  But most of all, right now, on the 3rd day of a brand new year, I am looking forward.  I am feeling excitement and energized (well, not really, but I think if I fake it, I might actually start feeling it) at the thought of what might be coming. 

Nothing in my situation has really changed.  I have the same job, the same bills, the same responsibilities. I still have the same chores and the same to-do list for the house (in fact, it might have gotten a bit bigger).  But I think the promise of something new should be enough to carry me through the next couple of months, until the spring has come, and the world gets green again and I start to feel myself coming alive again. 

I don't really set resolutions, not in the traditional sense.  The last 4 or 5 years or so, I have been working on a different concept.  I like words, as I think I have stated before.  So, every year, I try and think of a word to define what I would like my year to form around, to aspire to be.  Last year, my word was Hope.  With Sebastian's surgery coming, Geoff's store opening, my work, my health, etc, I was all about hope.  It turned out pretty well, if I do say so myself.

I have spent the last day or so, thinking about what I wanted this year to be.  I thought about some of my goals, and more particularly where I fell down last year.  What did I want to do?  What do I want to be? 

So, I picked my word.  Fierce. 

I want this year to be fierce.  I want to be brave and strong and true.  I want to be honest and courageous.  I want to make the hard choices and figure out what is right for me and my family.   I want to love and work and learn and play as hard as I possibly can. 

Of course, there are specific things that I want to do.  Fiercely, if I can. 

I wrote them out, by hand.  There is something intensely satisfying about handwriting things.  It is a concrete commitment, with the time and effort it takes to make this real.

Writing this, today, is a step in the right direction.  Tomorrow, I go back on the Pink Method.  I have pulled out the Secret and my Happiness Project book ( a gift from a good friend, signed by the author and personalized.  Yeah!!)  I took my pills today.  I was planning on going to bed early, but midnight should be good enough. 

At the end of the day, I have one ultimate goal.  I want to be happy.  Ridiculously, unfailingly, unapologetically happy.  I want to smile, and laugh and find myself grinning at odd times.  I want to feel that glow in my stomach that comes when I know I have had a good day, done good things and been surrounded by good people.  I want to see my kids smiling and learning how to feel joy from me.  I want things to be good.  I want to focus on the positive and attract good things to me.

I know it isn't realistic to expect that to be the case every day.  I know that it can't be, that there will some down days.  But more often than not, what I want, what I need and what I plan to work my ass off to get is happiness. 

So, from me to you, Happy New Year.  I wish you nothing but good things.  I wish you smiles and love. 

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "new year".

1 comment:

  1. That's the thing about the new year - you get sad looking over what you didn't do, but then you find hope in the things you want to do....

    This is my first year picking a word, and I actually picked 2 - Decide and Act (because I am terrible at making up my mind, and so nothing gets done). I'm also going with one word per month, and January is about Clarity. Handwritten lists are perfect for that. I spent quite a bit of time on them over the last couple days...

    I wish you much ferocity in your new year!