Lowest of the Low

This past week, Geoff did me a solid and downloaded some Lowest of the Low to my ipod.  He had mentioned how they were playing a FREE (!!!!) show at Art Park and one of his friends was going.  It got me to thinking about how I had their one album on cassette (yes, cassette) but didn't have it any longer.  I missed them, and wanted to hear them again.

He downloaded "Shakespeare, My Butt" for me.  I love this album.  It would probably rank up there with some of my favorites of all time.

As I worked yesterday, I listened to the album, start to finish 3 times.  Then I went back and listened to specific songs over and over again.  And the memories...oh the memories just flooded back.

It reminds me of being in college.  I went to college in Lindsay, ON, at Sir Sandford Fleming Frost Campus.  I took Fish and Wildlife Technology.  I am sure I have talked about this before. 

There are certain smells and sights and sounds that will instantly take me back to that time.  The smell of wet wool, certain beers (anyone remember Wildcat??) and especially songs.  There was a feel to the time that I spent there.  Not all of it was great (hello, room-mate drama!), but a lot of it really, really was.  It was the first time I had lived away from home.  I was doing stuff that I really loved.  I met amazing people, and had so many adventures.  I felt independant, and developed alot of who I wanted to be in those months and years away.  I learned what I liked (boys with big arms, flannel, frozen eyelashes, draft beers, night fishing, The Grand chicken wings and 241 Pizza) and what I didn't like (high maintenance anyone, doing dishes, skeezy boys, and Heavy Equipement class.) 

These songs seem like they were written for that time and that place and those people that I was around.  I saw myself in the songs and I could faces to the names.  Some of the lyrics still resonate with me. 
"Everything I learned about you, I learned through the pit of my stomach, anyway."
"There is something coersive, in the way some people smile.  Wide open as if to say, come on in and browse awhile".
"Let's take a walk down to The Only, and drink until our kidneys fail".

Just fun and awesome.  I can't do them justice here.  I can't seem to get my point across, what is rattling around in my head, down on (virtual) paper. 

Suffice it to say, I love Lowest of the Low.  If you love them too, next time we are together, let's throw some on, have some beers and sing along.

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "now, it's all I am listening to".

Right now

Right now, there is a full moon outside my window.  The cloud and storms from today have pretty much blown away, and what is left is clean air and a bit of chill in the wind.  It's a dark blue sky, and a silver moon.  There is a smell of summer in the air, to remind us all it's coming.

The dog is sleeping on my bed.  He sighs and his feet begin to twitch as he starts to dream.  He's had a hard week.  It's been a week since Morphie died and I think he misses him.  I miss seeing them together, back to back, sleeping and making their small, animal content noises.  I just petted him, and he cracked his eye and grinned his wolfy grin at me. 

I am looking at my hands as I type.  They look smaller to me, more like a lady's hands.  Sure, I have my rough spots and calluses. My nails are broken and short.  But the fingers are a bit thinner and the knuckles more prominent.  More like lady's hands.  It almost makes me want to get nails and make them pretty.  Almost.

I can smell a smell in the air.  I don't think it's real.  It reminds me of the smell when I am cooking Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner.  That combined smell of gravy and turkey roasting.  The smell of baking and good food.  I don't know why I smell it.  It's in my head, and it makes my heart warm, but I know it's not real.  I'm not questioning it too much, just enjoying the feeling it gives me.  I am thinking of home and family and warmth and food and comfort and love. 

That's alot from an imaginary smell.

Right now on my bedside table, there is a Sawyer-made craft.  Her red handprint is the flower and there is a poem.  I look at it every morning, along with the picture of me and Sebastian together.  Then I close my eyes and say thank you, for one more day.  Thank you for every possibility under the sun.  Thank you for everything I have and everything I need.  Then I get up and start my day.

Right now, my feet are a bit cold, and I am thinking about warm baths.  Of bubbles and sugar scrubs and reading in the thick, misty air.

I think that is just what I am going to do. 

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "night, all".

Just fishin'

Someone posted a link to this song on their face book page.  I am not a Trace Atkins fan, but something about this song speaks to me.  It's not very deep, I guess, it just reminds me of my days with my dad, when we were "just fishing".  When my mom would be working weekends, and my dad was stuck with me and my brother, lots of summer afternoons were spent fishing.  We would go to Queenston and climb sand dunes all day long.  We would go down to the Whirlpool and build traps with discarded fishing line across the paths.  We would then race my dad, who was carrying everything, up the million steps to the top.  And oh how we would gloat when we would win.  We fished in Grassy Brooks, Chippawa Creek, and a hundred other ponds and streams all over the region.  We got mosquito bit and sunburned.  One of us usually fell in, or came damn close to it.  We would eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches packed from home and stop for Pop Shoppe pop. 

Even as the years passed and Adam really stopped going, me and my dad would still go fishing.  When I was in college and had to build a minnow collection, Dad knew just where to take me to try and catch minnows.  We would go ice fishing in the winter, and freeze.  I would cry when I pulled up mud puppies and would spend much of my time, walking around and trying to subtly kick them back in the ice holes, when the other fishermen would leave them up to die.  We would hit the smelt runs in the spring and the salmon runs in the fall. 

And don't forget, last year, I took him salmon fishing on the lake.  That was a good one. 

So this song makes me remember all of that.  But it makes me think of my little girl too.  My dad has taken Sebastian fishing every summer since he was about 3 years old.  He took Sawyer once last year, but I think he is planning for more this summer.  And honestly, I think I want to take her too.  Both of them. 

We can spend a little time just fishin'.

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "nothing like fishing".

Travellin' Man

I love to travel. I like going new places and seeing new things.  I like the intimacy you get when you travel with good people.  I like the times when it is just you and them, away from the regular world.  I have had some of the best talks with people, when we have been on vacation.

There is a certain amount of guilt wrapped up in any travelling I do without the kids.  I have to leave them with someone, whether Geoff or my parents, and that always makes me feel bad.  I hear the stories from home, how they miss me, or they cry on the phone and it breaks my heart.  I try not to leave too often.  But, I think it is important to have time to yourself, or for Geoff and I as a couple, away from the kids.  I think it's good for all of us.  Doesn't mean it's easy though.

Lately, I have been offered a couple of opportunities to travel.  I really, really want to go.  One is to Cuba and the other is Las Vegas.  Both are crazy cheap prices and with good people.  I am so tempted.

I am trying to find ways to make this work, financially.  However, I think I know, in my heart of hearts that it's a no go.  At least, as of this very moment, with the situation being what it is, it's a no go.  If things change (and I hope they do), then it's a maybe.  And a maybe is just as good as a yes. 

I sacrifice alot for my family.  I really do.  I go without quite often, because I think that is what responsible parents do.  I don't buy or do alot of what I want to do, because I need to make sure that my kids are taken care of, and that they get to have fun.  But at this point, we are all making sacrifices, and we are all having to tighten our belts.

So, in light of that, how do I possibly say yes to a trip?  It is the height of irresponsibility.  It is a ridiculous notion to entertain.  So why do they keep bobbing around in my head??  Is someone trying to tell me something?

Here's to things changing.  Here's to vacations and get aways and fun in the sun.  Here's to no more rambling posts from me, like this one. :)

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "not now, but maybe soon".

Cycle for Autism

Yesterday, Geoff and I set up a table at a local fundraising event for our local chapter of Autism Ontario.  It is a cycle/walk/run/stroll event.  To set up a vendor table cost $25.  It was money well spent.

I was iffy on whether we were going in the morning.  It was black and rainy and cold when I got up and I really didn't relish the thought of standing out there for 4 hours, and being wet and cold.  But, little by little, it started to clear, and even when it was overcast and rainy at my house, when I looked in the direction of Welland, where it was being held, there were little glimpses of blue sky.

Geoff and I had decided to take the kids with us, to get them out of the house, but also to show them a little of what we do.  They were both good for the most part (with a few instances where they would run for the parking lot and Geoff would have to stop talking to potential customers mid-sentence and run after them.) and I think it helped people relate to us, when they realized that Geoff and I are ASD parents and we do get what they are going through.

It started off a bit slow, but after the actual event was over, and everyone was getting their BBQ, we started getting people coming over.  EVERYONE we talked to was very supportive.  Most of them were amazed and thankful that we existed.  Lots of them have little to no professional pictures done of their kids.  It was the exact impact I was hoping for. 

I had done tons of my positive thinking building up to this, thanking the universe for the magnificient results (before the event had even occured), visualizing the warm welcome and good reception we would have, and thinking of the results that I wanted.  While we haven't had any bookings yet, we have had 5 new people like our page, and tons of good feedback.

Just a side note, I had ordered business cards for TaCL for the show.  We have cards centered around the horror side of the business, but I figured a black and white card with a skull on it was likely not the best thing to hand out.  Of course, our cards weren't ready for the show, so we handed out alot of handwritten slips of paper with our contact information on it.  When we got home however, there was an email, from about 5 minutes earlier, saying that the cards were now ready for pick up.  Talk about irony!!  :)  Oh well, we have them now, so we are good to go.

Just to touch on the positive thinking one last time.  I have been writing out my universe wish list- things that I want to have or have happen to us.  Of course, success with the photography businesses is one of them.  I was grateful for the opportunity to have occured so that we could participate in the Cycle Event.  The timing was perfect and the event was all we had hoped for.  But the weird thing is with Cracked Lens, the horror site.  We haven't done anything to promote it in a couple of months.  But all of a sudden, this past week, people have started liking the page.  Strange.  How they found it, I have no idea.  First it was one.  Then a couple of days later, another.  Today, it was 2 in one day.  After 6 months of no growth, to have these random people start finding us....it's strange and spooky and wonderful.  It is inspiring.  I am starting to find a new drive.

Thanks universe.  You came through again.

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "new business".

Still the same

The last couple of days have been tough on my weightloss journey.  I have had too many carbs, and it has been reflected with a bit of a weight game (about a pound, but still).  I had skipped my workout yesterday, because I just wasn't feeling it, and I was tired and grumpy.  It happens, I know.  I also know that it's not how hard or how often you fall, but how you recover that counts.

I recovered today.  After a full day (out the door at 730 this morning, spend the day volunteering in Toronto, back in the Falls at 8pm, actually in the door and home by 920pm), I did manage to squeeze in my full work out (40 minutes) tonight from 1040 to 1120pm.  Crazy I know, but it has to be done. 

As I said, the days have been a bit rough.  Just a bit of a downward swing.  I will work through it, when I have a bit of a weightloss again and will feel better and more motivated.  Plus, I had some motiviation and external validation today.

Three separate people today told me they didn't even recognize me.  It ws to the point that one of the girls asked me if there was something she could help me with, while I was standing in the front entrance of work.  She thought I was a visitor.  When I spoke to her, thinking she was just being polite, she started laughing and told me she had had no idea who I was.  :)  I should have known better!  The others weren't as bad, but rather doubletakes, because they didn't really know who I was at first glance.  I am taking that as compliments. 

The best part though is the people who are deciding to try PINK Method because of Val and myself.  That I could possible inspire someone else to try one more time, and to try something new is remarkable.  It is helping to give me that extra motivation that I am needing right about now.  I don't want to let them down.  I want to hit my goal weight, so that I can show them that if I can do it, LITERALLY anyone can do it.  I was a worst case scenario.  If I can get healthy and thinner, then anyone can.  And I am kind of proud of the fact that I can help people get there. 

This week alone, I emailed out the PINK Method website 7 times.  I know not everyone will stick with it.  Not everyone will even try.  But if one does, and succeeds...well, that would be the best thing ever. 

So, while I might look a little different, and maybe I don't act the way you remember, I am still the same.  There is just a little less of me.

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "new outlook".

What is she thinking??

Yesterday, I had to run out to Walmart to buy a white shirt.  Sawyer wanted to go for the ride, so along she came.  She was good as gold while we were out, so when we were done, I asked her if she would like to take a short drive with me. 

Both the kids love going for car rides and this was a special treat, since it was just her and I, so she could pick the route and destination with no chime-in from her brother.

As we were driving, I asked where she wanted to go.  She said she had to think about it for a minute.  We rode in silence for a short while and then she said,

"Mommy, are you thinking what I am thinking?"

Not having a slightest inkling of how her mind works, it was very likely that I was not thinking what she was thinking.  I responded "I don't know, sweetie.  What are you thinking?"

She grins at me and says " I....am.....think....ing.....that....we....SHOULD CHANGE OUR HOUSE INTO A CASTLE!!!"

Yep, I can pretty much guarantee you that we weren't thinking the same thing.  Trying not to laugh (because she takes herself very seriously) I responded.

"Sawyer, that is a really cool idea.  But I think it might be a little hard to change our house into a castle right now.  Maybe we can talk about that another time, or draw some pictures at home.  But for now, do you think you can think of a place you might want to drive to?"

She was quiet for a few minutes.  I watched her carefully in the rear view mirror to make sure that I hadn't hurt her feelings.  She didn't look hurt or sad, but thoughtful. 

After a few minutes, she said " You right, Momma.  We can do an igloo instead."

How can you not love this kid? 

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "new igloo, coming right up."