"Change, when it comes, cracks everything open."
Dorothy Allen

Monday, September 13, 2010

I'll be your best friend....

I have a dilemma that I have been trying to work out in my mind for a couple of weeks now.  I am not going to use names, since some people that I work with might read this, and I don't want any more drama or rumors than is absolutely necessary. 

There is this person at work who, I think, wants to be my friend.  Which in and of itself is fine.  I was actually very friendly with this person for a couple of years.  But then, situations changed.  I got pregnant with Sawyer and went off on maternity leave and this person got a new position.  When I came back- things were....weird.

I don't know if I changed, if they changed or if the time away just opened my eyes to what this person is really like.  Whatever it was, I realized that this person wasn't someone that I really wanted to be around or to be friends with.  Since they were very cold with me, I figured it was mutual.  I moved on, a little bit hurt and a little bit wiser (ok- a lot hurt, but still only a little wiser). 

Now, this person has, off and on, started reaching out to me, in what appears to be attempts to reconcile the friendship.  One instance had us together for about half an hour, outside of work, away from prying eyes and ears.  I thought long and hard about the situation, and had prepared myself for a very honest and open discussion about what had happened, what they had done to make me feel the way I do, and where I thought we could go from here.  I was nervous, but ready to have this talk.

Instead, I got small talk, and chit chat.  Then I find out later that the only reason we had even had our little time together, was so that this person could have information for an email they wanted to send later.  Again, I smacked myself in the head for being an idiot and being used, and moved on.

The last attempt from this person was an email, asking me to "come by any time and chat".  They miss me and our talks.  Blah blah blah.  I didn't reply.

I guess why I am torn is that a part of me does miss the friendship that was there.  I honestly thought of this person as a friend, not just an acquaintance or a co-worker.  And I miss that.

But then, I keep thinking about all the little white lies, and misdirections, and the coldness, and the using, and the politics and everything else that has made me feel sick to my stomach when it comes to this person.  And I start thinking that what I miss really wasn't real at all.  It was just another silly game, played for reasons only this person understands.

I want to think that these overtures of friendship are genuine.  I think that this person is very lonely, and has surrounded themselves with sycophants and yes men, who are all busy trying to stab each other and this person in the back.  It is a wholy unhealthy environment.  I don't think there is a genuine friend in the place for this person, and I think they are beginning to understand that.  I hope that maybe they remember what I brought to the table- honesty, laughter, lots of cursing, but lots of fun too- and they realize what they lost. 

I think I also hope that it keeps them up some nights.

I hope they have regrets.

I guess I'm not ready to be friends.

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "not now, maybe not ever."


  1. As shitty as it is, it's time for a friend break up and you must stick to that decision. I know it sucks and there are things you'll miss, but in the end it's the right decision.

    I had to break up with a friend. Someone I thought of as one of my best friends, but when the truth comes out it's hard to look past most things that are toxic to the relationship. I still miss him some days, but not all the drama that enfolded when I was with him.

  2. I know. I think the hard part is that the breakup effectively already happened, and I was fine with it. Then they came back. And that makes me question everything. Blech.