"Change, when it comes, cracks everything open."
Dorothy Allen

Wednesday, September 29, 2010


It's been a while since I posted.  Sorry (I know 3 people that read this.  This apology is for them, and if you read it, and I don't know about it, then it's for you too.)  I got to feeling crummy, and then we went away for the weekend to the cottage.

First things first.  Cottage was great.  It was sad that Adam wasn't there, and I missed him (and my dog missed him more!)  My mom did make me stay in and do homework on the Saturday, but my dad and I got some good fishing in on Sunday, so that was good.  Geoff, Mom, Sebastian and Sawyer and I went for a nice little hike (that ended in tears from Sawyer, and Geoff and I carrying her back, because she was tired).  We hot tubbed like crazy people, and I even slept in a bit on Saturday (til 830- WHO-fucking-HOOOO!  Awesome).  All in all, great weekend.  I feel recharged, a bit sad, and want my own cottage.  Erg.  Someday.  Maybe.

Tonight I had my banquet for the ladies golf league I joined this year with a group of girls from work.  It was fun- both the league and the banquet.  It got me thinking about the things that I have joined over the years, and how it played out. 

For a long time, I refused to join organized sports.  I hate the commitment.  I hate knowing that every week, at the same time, that I HAVE to be somewhere.  As Steve Martin says in "Parenthood"- "My whole life is 'have-to'." 

However, now, with the kids, I have them enrolled in tons of things (Sebastian has is Social Skills group and gymnastics, Sawyer has swimming and gymnastics).  I find the routine comforting.  My days, weeks and month fly by.  I feel useful, busy and worthwhile.  I appreciate my down time- not that there is any. 

But when it comes to me, I don't wanna.  Tai chi, as much as I like it and it helped, discourages me.  I don't like that it isn't something you can master.  I don't like that there is no end in sight.  Give me a 10 week course, no problem.  I will be there.  But leave it open ended, and tell me that it is a good thing that I will be there in 10 more years, and I am outtie.  I know, for some people, that is the ultimate.  It is the constant challenge of besting yourself, improving, driving yourself forward.  That's not me.

I want need to be the best, at everything I do.  Everything.  When I read, I have to be the fastest, and understand everything at a level that other's might not see.  When I create- knitting, painting, writing- I need to know that people love what I do, and that I am good at it.  Even my dog has to be the best.  I am a little amazed that I have stuck with the training though.  Axle and I kicked ass in the first part of the training.  The second half, however, we are getting our asses whomped.  He is the best dog I have ever had, and I have the ultimate faith in him.  Maybe that's why I haven't quit. 

And that's what has me thinking- am I a quitter?  Or a realist?  If I am not the best at something, and it doesn't happen immediately, then I usually quit.  So, am I a quitter, because I am not willing to stick it out, and work hard, and make it happen?  Or am I a realist, knowing that I haven't found my passion, my talent, and that I shouldn't waste anymore time on it?  That I should move on, and find my heart's desire?

Don't know.  Tired of thinking about it.  This entry was harder to write and it didn't work the way I wanted it to, so I'm stopping.

I quit.

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "non-commital".

1 comment:

  1. you are not a quitter...you are a realist with dreams galore.
    if you don't try new things, how are you ever going to find your passion, your favourite things, your favourite people???
    keep trying and never stop trying...that is when people give up!