"Change, when it comes, cracks everything open."
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
But I know I have to do it.
When I went to the naturopath, she was actually very inspiring. She did a body scan, that looks at your muscle mass, your bones and your fat. My bone and muscle mass is 142 pounds. That made me happy. That means, no matter how skinny I could get, I am really not going to ever be much below that. And I am cool with that. It means I can stop beating myself up because I don't weigh 120 lbs. And that is so liberating- you have no idea. She also tested my body and my cell's ability to conduct and burn energy. Essentially, she said this is a way of testing the body's ability to work efficiently- basically, can your body burn up fat? I forget the actual number, but it was something like 6.5-7 is normal range- right where you want to be. I was burning at a 9.75. My body wants to burn the fat. It wants to help me. That too, was inspiring. I have always felt like my body works against me. That no matter what I do, I just never get where I want to be. Now I know- it's not my body- it's my head.
My head is my problem. My head is where the bad voices are. My head is what makes me give up, time and time again. My head hates me, a little bit. My head makes me cry, makes me angry and makes me look the way I do.
But my heart is what makes me keep trying, again and again.