"Change, when it comes, cracks everything open."
Dorothy Allen

Wednesday, April 6, 2011



[dig-ni-tee] Show IPA
–noun, plural -ties.
bearing, conduct, or speech indicative of self-respect or appreciation of the formality or gravity of an occasion or situation.
a sign or token of respect.
Today, someone was talking to me about my father in law.  I was giving them an update, such as I have.  And somewhere in the middle of that conversation, I made a comment about how, in times like this, you tend to lose all dignity.  There is no more privacy or secrets. 
For the rest of the night, that thought has been ringing in my head.  About dignity.  The loss of it.  This isn't the loss of dignity you might feel by flipping over your own feet and landing on your ass in front of a crowd.  This is the kind when you have to ask others to help you with the most basic life skills.  To have the help of others to move, and eat and function.  For someone independant like my father in law, it must be so difficult.  I wonder if he thinks about that.  Or if, in the face of survival, those thoughts don't even surface anymore.
I try to make sure that I maintain the dignity of others.  I try and respect the face that people put forward.  I have had discussions with people, where I know that they are wrong.  If there is no point to it, I won't call them out.  I let them continue to think they are right.  It does no harm, and I let them keep their dignity.  I know others that don't do that, that have a driving need to be right.  That's their own choice.  To me, having someone feel good about themselves and what they believe is more important.
I try really hard to let Sebastian mainain his dignity.  I know that he doesn't really think in terms of that, but that is no reason for me to embarass him.  Sometimes, Geoff doesn't think that way, or it just isn't in his scope.  He will do things to Sebastian, or call him out on things, or ask him questions that would be best asked quietly, or behind closed doors.  When I have called him on it, he said "Well he doesn't care."  My comment was "Everyone around him does.  The kid has so many strikes against him, why in the world would you ever set up more?"  He ignored me at that point, or called me a name.  But he seems to have slowed it down, so I hope that he keeps it in the back of his mind.  I don't care if it is in front of family, or in front of strangers- it's about respect. 
Dignity.  It's about respect.  It's why I hate it when people call me out and point out my flaws.  It's about my fear of being wrong, or unprepared, or looking silly in a way that I don't chose.  I don't want to be unprepared, or caught off guard.  I don't want to be picked last.  I want to be the best, and I want to be recognized, but not to the detriment of others.  I want to earn my praise, the hard way, the old fashioned way- through hard work and smart thinking.

This post has been kind of rambling and weird.  It's kind of like my thoughts today.  So, I apologize. Hopefully, these will get better...

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "Not arrogance, Dignity."

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