"Change, when it comes, cracks everything open."
Dorothy Allen

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Writing my future

As anyone who reads this blog with any regularity knows, I am .....dissatisfied with my current state of employment.  I struggle daily with my job, my place there, my contentment.  I think about destiny and karma and meaning in life. 

This is a hard thing to think about, to articulate.  I try to be eloquent and witty and coherent.   But I feel like I am not making myself understood.  I feel like if I could just express myself properly, if I could say the right things, in the right way, then I could figure out what I need. 

So, I am trying to be plain.  I don't want to work for other people any more.  I want to work for myself.  I am willing to work hard, put in long hours, be creative and smart and bossy and wonderful.  I will push myself to step outside of my comfort zone.

God, it feels like I am interviewing myself.

I am not lazy.  I may say it sometimes, but I know, deep down, that I am not.  A couple of weeks ago, when visiting Kit in the hospital, I called myself lazy.  It was the day of my 2am to 10 am (which always seems to turn into an 1130 am) shift.  I had left work, gone straight to the hospital, was planning on going home to sleep, but then had to go back to work, to sit in on a conference call at 430pm. (I did go back at 3:30 for the call, and ended up stuck at work until 630.)  I was supposed to do something, or had forgotten to do something, and called myself lazy in front of Kit.  He looked at me and laughed, and said "Yeah, that's right, my daughter in law is lazy" in the most sarcastic tone he could muster. :)  I appreciated the fact that he knew how hard I worked. 

So, even though I am not lazy, I am overwhelmed.  I have a lot to do, every day, all day.  I try not to procrastinate, but I find I have to,  because there are not enough hours in the day.  I don't know if all the choices I make are the right ones.  But I try.  I know that I chose wrong, alot of the time.  Work tends to win.  Alot.  I don't take care of myself, because I run out of time.  I don't play with my kids as much as I want, because work is waiting.  I don't clean my house, take pictures, promote my business, knit, read, organize my finances- because work takes up all my time.  I have been working 25-30 hours of overtime a week, for about 7 or 8 weeks now.  I am tired all the time.  I feel like crap.  And in the end, what do I get?  A paycheque.  That's about it.  The satisfaction of getting a job done is more and more becoming something I don't care about.

So, what do I want to do? 
I want to take horror photos.
I want to take photos of kids and families with special needs.
I want to write my blog, and stories and articles.
I want to raise money for charity.
I want to knit cool fun things for kids.
I want to grow things in my garden and make jams and salsa.

So, tell me.  How do I make all of that make money for me?  How do I replace my income with this?  How do I pay my bills, my mortgage, therapy, food?  How does that happen?

I know several people who make a living doing what they love.  I am inspired by them.  One of them, Celine, is proving to be a good friend.  She is my dog trainer and a sweet, lovely, earthy person.  I posted a picture on Facebook- a "photo of my day".  It was of my cubicle at work (I don't even have that anymore).  When I saw Celine shortly after that, she told me, in this heartbreaking voice that she was sad for me when she saw that photo.  She got it.  I don't belong there.

I am trying really, really, really hard to not be depressed.  I am trying to be positive and open to all the opportunities that life can throw at me.  I know that the perfect opportunity isn't going to drop into my lap, I have to work and make it happen.  I have to be smart, and resourceful and dedicated.  I have to believe that I was meant for better things.  I do believe that.

One of my favorite sayings is "Everything is ok in the end.  If it's not ok, it's not the end."  I am not at the end.  I am somewhere in the middle.  I am working towards ok.

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "Needing more".

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