"Change, when it comes, cracks everything open."
Dorothy Allen

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

A letter to my friends

Dear friends,

I wanted to write you a letter.  I feel I owe you an explantion and an apology. 

I love my friends.  You are all amazing.  You are all so different and unique, but each of you brings something to the table of my life, something I was missing, or needing.  You teach me new things, make me experience new opportunities, introduce me to new people that I might never have met, if not for you. 

You make me laugh, and sometimes cry.  When you are hurting, I hurt.  You are so funny though, that sometimes you make my face and stomach hurt when I laugh.  Sometimes you make me mad, but I get over it, because, like family, you guys are all a part of my life and my heart.  You make my heart happy.  I am not lonely around you.  I feel like a part of the cool crowd, you make me feel accepted and loved.

Sometimes, I don't see you as often as I want.  I should change that.  I miss you when you aren't around.  I might not say it, but I think about you and I wonder if you are ok.  I wonder what you are doing, and what is going on in your life.  I wonder if you are thinking about me.  I talk about you to Geoff, and I stalk your Facebook page.
I know it's my fault.  I don't call to chat.  It's just not in me, I don't know why.  I used to talk on the phone for hours when I was in high school.  I think, sometimes I am really self concious, because I don't know if anything that I have to say is interesting enough for you to listen to.  I should call, I know it.  If I text you, it's because I feel like talking, but I don't want to call.  I don't want to bug you, I don't want to be weird.  But I know I am.

I want to say that I am sorry that I don't tell you all my secrets.  It's not that I don't trust you.  I do.  But I worry that I whine too much.  I worry that I am monopolizing your time.  I worry that if I am not funny and friendly, and if I am negative and mopey that I won't be fun to be around.  I also worry that if I start, I won't stop.  I don't want you to see me crying.  I know you probably have, but I feel funny about that.  I want to be there for you, I want to be level headed and be able to help.  But I am scared that I am too crazy for you. 

So, when we are together, and there is a pause, know that I am thinking about something.  Something that I want to say.  But I probably won't.  And that's not your fault, it's mine.  I'm so sorry.

I want to be friends with you forever.  I want us to grow up and old together.  I want us to be family. 

I love it when you hug me when we see each other.  If that's your thing.  I love it when we sit and have beers together.  I love it when you send me random texts about weird things that you see.  I love that you talk to me about your husband and kids and tell me what's going on in your head.  I love it when we can talk about movies.  I love playing bingo with you.  You intimidate me with how smart you are, so I am inspired to try and be better. 

I get a funny stomach flip, every time you call me your friend.  And I cried, when you called me your best friend.

I am vowing to try and be a better friend to you.  You deserve it. 

Love you,

p.s.  I know I didn't mention names.  As much as I want to, I can't.  But if you think I am talking about you, or something sounds familiar, rest assured...it is you that I am talking about.  You are my friend.  You. 

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