"Change, when it comes, cracks everything open."
Dorothy Allen

Friday, July 6, 2012


For some reason, today I realized that my feelings come in waves.

When I say wave, I mean it.  I can feel the emotion wash over me, with a tingling in my fingers.  I can feel my stomach flip, like I have been lifted off the ground.  Sometimes, I feel helpless, like I am being tossed about.  It's not always bad, don't get me wrong.  Sometimes it's enjoyable, to give yourself up to the moment and the feelings coming your way.  Sometimes it's not.  Sometimes it's scary, and I worry that I will drown.

The other day, Geoff posted a really nice post about me on Facebook.  Really, for true, it was super nice and flattering about me.  And people commented and made more wonderful statements about me.  And as I read it, I could feel my face turn a little red, and my heart swelled a little- with pride, and a little bit of embarrassment (the good kind- like when people clap for you), and just an overwhelming gratitude.  That wave washed over me, and I revelled in it.

Yesterday at work, it was overwhelming.  There was always a new job, something to drop everything for.  There were emergencies and to-do lists and last minute conversations.  It seemed like there was always something new.  And about 2pm, I felt the wave hit me.  It was fatigue and frustration and anger.  It was a wistful hope that I wouldn't have to come back tomorrow.  It was the feeling that I am overworked and under appreciated and that this is the millionth time I have felt it.  I rode the wave, and while it didn't pass quickly, I was able to function and continue and finish my day.

Tonight, the kids and I went for a swim after dinner.  Sawyer put her floaty on, and Sebastian got his pool toys.  Geoff decided to come in too.  We had a good time, playing and floating and cooling off.  The kids latched onto me, and wanted to be dragged around the pool.  Both of them sang "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" at the top of their lungs, and substituting in silly words into the song.  And while I watched them, and was there, as a part of it, I felt another wave.

Love.  Love.  Love.  Love of the kids, my family, my life.

Yes, there is fear, and worry, and problems.  But more and more, I am able to get over the bad things, and focus on the good.  I am able to ride my waves.

Speaking of waves, I am currently riding one of frustration.  It's 1am.  Sebastian is still up.  It's going to be a long night and a long summer.  

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "need me a surfboard".

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