"Change, when it comes, cracks everything open."
Dorothy Allen

Saturday, December 18, 2010

I broke a promise to myself

So, this week has been crazy.  I know I mentioned that I have a new job at work.  I am a new "interim" manager, because the person in the job before me has left.  So I am filling in, until they can fill that spot full time.  I am still undecided about whether or not that person might be me. Right now, I am floundering in the dark, trying to put the pieces together and figure out what the frig I should be doing every day.  My days are filled with requests from people that I haven't ever talked to before, and everyone needs everything right now!  Most are pretty understanding when they realize I am new, and usually have NO idea what they are asking for.  But I know I can only play that card for so long (and that time frame is shorter than you might think!). 
As well, one of our team of 3 is off on vacation until the beginning of January.  So that means we are working short handed. 
Oh, and they launched a big system upgrade at the beginning of December and we are in a backlog, since the system went down for a couple of days, and there were some glitches when we got up and going again.  So, things built up and built up until now there is weeks worth of work to do, and some processes that we still don't know.  Even though we were honest and forthright and told everyone from the get-go that we were behind, they now want to know why we are STILL behind.  Hmmmmm...maybe because nothing has changed and in fact keeps getting worse?
Oh, did I also mention that my manager is out on vacation for 2 and a half weeks, and I am his back up.  Yep. 

So, here I am trying to juggle all of this, plus Geoff being back to work, and Christmas coming up, and friends, and family and trip out of town, and groceries and doctor's appointment (naturopath, pediatrician, heart murmur stuff!), decorating the house, shopping.......

I found myself doing something that I promised myself that I would NEVER do again.

I was wishing time away.

I used to do this alot, especially when I was on the phones at work (which I hated with a passion!) or when we were really poor and had no money until payday, or when stuff with Sebastian was particularily bad.  I would sit and wish for time to go faster, for a day to end, for the year to be over...anything to get me through this.  And one day, no day in particular, I realized I was, in effect, wishing my life away.  I realized that every moment I have is precious, and one that I will never, ever have again.  So yes, it might suck.  It might be so awful that I don't think I can live through it.  I might be crying, or hurt, or so angry I see red.  My chest and back might ache, my feet are sore, my head hurts and my heart is broken. 
But somewhere, in that moment, is something special, and precious and magical.

I'm alive.  My kids are safe, relatively  healthy and happy.  I have love in my life.  I have a roof over my head, and food in the cupboard.  My life is pretty amazing.  I am so blessed, in so many ways, that I can never count them.
So for me to wish that any of that would end, and go away, is the ultimate insult.  A slap in the face to the Great Creator.  Fuck you and all you gave me, I am a whiny bitch and I want something better. 

You see what I mean.

So I started looking to find the good, instead of wishing it all away.  I remember on so many of my drives back and forth to Hamilton, when I was trying to have Sawyer.  I would be 3 weeks into a cycle, and so tired I could barely see straight.  I was hurt and angry and beginning to think "why me?". 
And then the sun would come up.  And the sky would go from murky grey to pink and yellow and orange.  And the sun would heat my face.  And I would smile.

Nothing in my life got better.  Nothing changed, save me.  I chose to not wish for something else, but to find what I needed in that moment.

There is always something there.  ALWAYS.  Sometimes I forget to look. Sometimes, I don't want to.
But when I do look, I always find.  It's always worth it.

So, anyway, this week, I found myself wishing away time.  So I stopped and looked and found.

Nothing is easier.  Nothing is better, except me.  I'm better now. 

Keep your fingers crossed for me tomorrow.

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "namaste".  LOL...yeah, it's like that.

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