"Change, when it comes, cracks everything open."
Dorothy Allen

Sunday, December 5, 2010


It's been a while, I know.  I'm sorry.

This weekend was busy.  So was the week leading up to it.  In fact, it was so busy, I don't remember what I was doing to make it so.  Work was work, always crazy.  Lot of changes, some good, some bad.  As I don't wish to be fired for anything I post on here, I am not posting anything about that.

Sawyer's swimming lessons are over, so I now have Thursdays free..for a little while anyway.  Geoff is working early, so I have been getting up with the kids and getting Sebastian ready for school.  I haven't had to do that for a while, so it is an adjustment.  Also, with Geoff working, the little bit that he was doing when he was home isn't getting done anymore.  So there is more back on my plate.  He has been pretty good about making dinner- we had a an agreement that the first person home would make dinner- and helping me clean up afterwards.  Unfortunately, his participation seems to end there.  Something to work on, I guess *sigh*.

I am feeling pretty melancholy today.  This post is likely to reflect that. 

Yesterday was the kid's party at work. The Smudge Fundaes played, and both Sebastian and Sawyer really liked them.  We let Sebastian have a piece of pizza and he did great with Santa.  Then we took them both to the movies to see Tangled.  I really liked it, but I am getting a little fed up with the 3-D shit.  I can't get Sebastian to keep the 3-D glasses on, so every movie I take him to see, he gets to watch it fuzzy.  It would be nice if they just offered a 2-d version of the same thing, for those people that don't like or can't watch 3-D.  Oh well. 
It was Sawyer's first time to the movies.  She did pretty well.  She wouldn't wear the glasses either, and got antsy towards the end, but I think she liked it.

Today we went to the Marshville Christmas village with my mom and dad.  It was nice as always, except of course, for the ever present rude people.  I am getting a really short temper, and I am getting sick of rudeness.  I am 100% willing to wait my turn.  I always let people in front of me in traffic.  But when I walk into a place where they are handing out free handmade toys and free popcorn and treats, and I can't move because
every single fatass cheapskate in Wainfleet is in there, filling up 6 and 7 bags of popcorn and perusing the toys, looking for one that isn't "funny looking".....well, I wanted to burn the motherfucker down.  My kids have to go without, because you can't get the fuck out of my way.  I have serious rage issues, but I am really good at tamping them down.  But there are times, when that rage is at the surface, and today, it came pretty close.  I know by not venting that rage, it will smolder for days, maybe weeks, and come out in other ways, but to avoid killing someone, this is really the only option.

I know I can make the choice to let this stuff ruin my day, or carry on, and have a good day.  I try to keep it as a good day for the kids.  But some days, it is really hard.  But I totally know about having the goodness of your day based on the whims and emotions of others.  I don't want that for them. 

I also wanted to go and look at Gemma today.  I know Geoff hates the idea of another dog.  I have been trying to be an adult and really think things through.  I wanted to look, though.  Of course, we get there 2 minutes before they close, and they tell me adoption is pending for her anyway.  So, I guess it wasn't meant to be.  But I want to blame someone, something.  I am pissed that I am not getting what I want.  The "Sawyer" in me is raging.  But I keep it in check.

Not entirely in check.  I am quiet today.  Geoff has asked me 4 times what's wrong.  I don't want to talk about it, I want to not have to look at his mess, and the kids' mess, and the clothes waiting to be folded.  I want him to give the kids a bath, and clean up, and make dinner.  I know he won't do any of those things.  It is another typical Sunday. 

I think I am just tired.  I need a good night's sleep.  Sorry, people, this one was a little too much inside view.  Gonna stop it here, before I say things I shouldn't.

Rosie. N. Grey
The N stands for "not a great day."


  1. Uhm, does Geoff not read this blog????
    And take a moment and vent here, it might be cathartic. Sometimes it is for me.

  2. yep, he reads it. But he understands that what I write, is what I am thinking at that time and he can't hold it against me. Plus, I don't think he reads it that often.