"Change, when it comes, cracks everything open."
Dorothy Allen

Tuesday, February 12, 2013


I am feeling homebound.

Do not mistake this for home-WARD bound.  I am not that.  In order for me to be homeward bound, it would have to mean that I would have had to have actually left my house. And I don't do that, not very often, certainly not by myself and not without a very specific task on my agenda.

I work from home a lot.  Don't get me wrong, it's GREAT.  Really.  I am caught up on my laundry, I am able to cook dinner for my kids and I, and I am working on being more organized.  But it also means that I very rarely talk to other people. Unless it has to do with work, or it is a telemarketer calling to ask me for money, it ain't happening.  Geoff works very long hours getting his comic store up and running.  So we cross paths for, at most a couple of hours a day.  On some days, it is no more than a half hour in the morning.  I understand that is necessary, completely and totally.  I support it. But it can be lonely.

I see my dad about 15 minutes every day, when he drops off Sebastian after picking him up from school. 

That is pretty much the extent of my contact with the outside world.

Sure, there are days where I see other humans.  Sometimes I take Sawyer to the bus stop or pick her up after school.  I make small talk with the other "bus stop" parents. Last week, I had a parent teacher interview with the people at Sebastian's school.  That went amazingly well (at least until I completely lost my cool and started sobbing through the meeting.  But that's a blog for another time).  I even went out on Saturday with a friend to play Bingo. It was lovely.

But for the most part, it is me and the kids and the dog and the cats.  Oh, and the fish too.

I try to keep the house nice.  I try to open the windows to get some fresh air.  I decorated for Valentine's day, and am planning a surprise for Sawyer and Sebastian ( a rainbow cake, I think).  Some days, I don't get dressed.  I stay in my pjs until it is time for bed at night.  I don't always brush my hair. 

And yet, with all that, I sometimes don't want to go out.  Tomorrow is Wednesday.  I have to go to work.  My boss comes down on Wednesdays, so I have to meet with him and all of the rest of the team.  I am not exactly dreading it, but looking forward isn't a term I would use either. It's nothing personal to any of them, it is more the act of getting up, getting dressed and getting out that I don't wanna do.

I don't necessarily feel trapped.  I am homebound.  Yes, there are days when I wish we had another car so that I could leave whenever I wanted.  So that I could pick up things I need, when I need them.  Yes, I wish I could have some time to myself, outside of the house (or even in the house would be nice).  I wish I could get things done without little hands, little feet, little paws interferring, interrupting, constantly wanting to help.

But, at the end of the day, I am thankful.  Thankful that I have this time with my nearest and dearest.  I am happy I can be here to send my kids off with a full belly in the morning, be here to greet them when they come home.  I am happy to have snuggle time, movie time, craft time, bath time.   I love that the dog sleeps with me, the cats play with me and that all is right in my world. 

Today, Sawyer told me that she loves that I cook for her.  She told me that she loves the way our house smells when I am in the kitchen.  I am not a cook, I can do the bare minimum, so for her to say that mean a whole awful lot.

Yesterday, Sebastian touched my hair and told me it was very messy.  Then he hugged me and smiled.  

Sigh. I guess I really don't need much more than that.

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "never leaving home".

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