Cleaning house

Over the past week, and last weekend, we have been busy working outside building the new patio and making my garden oasis.  Unfortunately, this means that the inside of my home has suffered the consequences.  Mess and clutter and even mud has taken over.  

It was supposed to rain today (and it did for about 20 minutes!) so I planned on cleaning today.  I started in the bathroom, gave everything a good scrubbing and got it, if not sparkling, at least less scummy and gross.  Then onto Bastian's room.

Bastian likes to build photo montages on his floor.  They are huge and sprawling and very important to him.  However, being a mom, and occasionally the bad guy, I try to make him clean it up every couple of weeks or so, so I can shovel out the junk, do a quick vacuum and try and restore a tiny bit of order. I made it happen today, and by bedtime tonight, the photo montage was back and better than ever. 

The montage is growing.
By the end of the night, it covered most of the floor. 

Sawyer's room was something different.  She has lots of toys.  Lots of toys. Every 3 months or so, I try and slog through her room, discarding old toys and books and clothes, making room for the new, and hopefully, just making room in general.  Today was that day.  

Before.  I had done some rearranging, so not all the mess is hers.

Mess.  Epic.

I rearranged, and organized and cleaned and purged.  And in the end, we have a little extra space, and we have a spot for all her toys.  

Better.  Hooray!

happy girl!

And then the best part of cleaning- all the toys that she has forgotten about.  The stuff she doesn't remember having.  It's just like Christmas Day or her birthday, or just an awesome day.

Today, I had a fairy dancing around the house, new puzzles being built and old books being read again.  Good day to clean house.  

Fairy Wings and Fancy Skirt

Magic

Rosie N. Grey

The N stands for "new toys, new space".

Everyday Miracles

Sebastian has this new focus.  He likes us to write out some of his favourite words in rows on pieces of paper. Words like names of his favorite cartoon characters, colours, some of his favourite animals...stuff like that
He will carry the papers around with him, reading the words, explaining them to other people, especially Geoff, Sawyer and I.  It is a lot of the same words over and over again, but who am I to judge?  He loves them, they make him happy, and it's cheap and easy for me to do, so why wouldn't I?

This morning, Sebastian woke me up around 6am.  As I cracked my eyes on the first day in weeks that I was able to sleep in (our photo shoot got rescheduled and it was supposed to rain, so Adam wouldn't be here early to work), the sight I was greated with a sheet of blank paper and a pen shoved in my face.

I pleaded with him for another hour of sleep.  He heaved a heavy sigh (his latest party trick) and grumbled his way out of the room.  About 20 minutes later, he was back.  I wrote a few words, and asked him to go and play.  This went on and on, until about 730.  Finally, I gave in, and wrote the words that he wanted.  After half the page was filled, I called a halt to the proceedings and made my way down to the kitchen to make him breakfast.

Equipped with toasted peanut butter and jam sandwiches and apple juice, I made my way back upstairs for a picnic in my bed (I was still hoping for a chance to sleep, to be honest.)  As I passed the dining room table, I happened to look down.

What I saw was a miracle.

Buster and Arthur
He struggled with the S in Buster.

Muffy and ABCDE

Sebastian had obviously gotten tired of waiting for me to write out his words for him. So he did it himself.

So.  What's the big deal?  He wrote 3 words and ABCDE, and not very well at that, you might be thinking.

Oh my friend, it is a big deal.  A BIG F*CKING DEAL.

We were told that Sebastian would never be a functional printer.  The best we could ever hope for was that he would be able to print his name legibly enough to sign documents, etc.  Because of the issues with the fusion of the bones in his elbows, and his hyper flexibility in his fingers and poor upper body strength, writing is a monumental task for him.  Experts said it would never happen.

To be honest, we always had other things that were more important to focus on.  Speaking, walking, functioning...printing just took a back seat.

But in the last few months, his therapists have been working with his printing a lot.  It is obviously paying off.

I can read those words.  They are so clear, compared to his previous attempts, I honestly thought that Geoff had done it, or had helped him with hand over hand guidance.  But Geoff swears that it wasn't him.  It wasn't me.

That just leaves Bastian.  Oh my lord.  My little miracle.

I remember the first time he wrote his name.  He was about 6 years old.  Geoff, Sebastian and I were at the Far East Chinese Restaurant.  Geoff and I were chatting, and Sebastian was playing with his papers.  He doesn't colour or write on the placemats, so it was unusual for him to pick up the crayon.  I noticed it out of the corner of my eye, but continued to talk with Geoff.  I heard Sebastian talking quietly to himself, and it took me a moment to interpret what he was saying.

What he was saying was his name, spelling it out, letter by letter.  What he was doing was trying his damnest to write it out.

I ended up having to go to the washroom to cry.  Happy tears.  Good tears.

I cried those same tears today.  Arthur.  Buster.  Muffy. ABCDE.  Words that can change lives for the better.

Today was full of everyday miracles.  Thanks buddy!

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "new doors opening".

Waves

For some reason, today I realized that my feelings come in waves.

When I say wave, I mean it.  I can feel the emotion wash over me, with a tingling in my fingers.  I can feel my stomach flip, like I have been lifted off the ground.  Sometimes, I feel helpless, like I am being tossed about.  It's not always bad, don't get me wrong.  Sometimes it's enjoyable, to give yourself up to the moment and the feelings coming your way.  Sometimes it's not.  Sometimes it's scary, and I worry that I will drown.

The other day, Geoff posted a really nice post about me on Facebook.  Really, for true, it was super nice and flattering about me.  And people commented and made more wonderful statements about me.  And as I read it, I could feel my face turn a little red, and my heart swelled a little- with pride, and a little bit of embarrassment (the good kind- like when people clap for you), and just an overwhelming gratitude.  That wave washed over me, and I revelled in it.

Yesterday at work, it was overwhelming.  There was always a new job, something to drop everything for.  There were emergencies and to-do lists and last minute conversations.  It seemed like there was always something new.  And about 2pm, I felt the wave hit me.  It was fatigue and frustration and anger.  It was a wistful hope that I wouldn't have to come back tomorrow.  It was the feeling that I am overworked and under appreciated and that this is the millionth time I have felt it.  I rode the wave, and while it didn't pass quickly, I was able to function and continue and finish my day.

Tonight, the kids and I went for a swim after dinner.  Sawyer put her floaty on, and Sebastian got his pool toys.  Geoff decided to come in too.  We had a good time, playing and floating and cooling off.  The kids latched onto me, and wanted to be dragged around the pool.  Both of them sang "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" at the top of their lungs, and substituting in silly words into the song.  And while I watched them, and was there, as a part of it, I felt another wave.

Love.  Love.  Love.  Love of the kids, my family, my life.

Yes, there is fear, and worry, and problems.  But more and more, I am able to get over the bad things, and focus on the good.  I am able to ride my waves.

Speaking of waves, I am currently riding one of frustration.  It's 1am.  Sebastian is still up.  It's going to be a long night and a long summer.  

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "need me a surfboard".

Backyard again

This past weekend, my brother surprised me with a backyard project.  We started building a patio and walkway of interlocking bricks.

My brother is pretty awesome.  We are about 2 and a half years apart.  Growing up, we rarely saw eye to eye.  We fought like cats and dogs and some of the battles were truly epic (like when he used a kitchen chair and when I bent the sapling back and snapped it in his face.)  Until we were actually grown and in our 20s, we rarely interacted.  We had some time frames when we would go to parties together and hang out with friends, but we usually ended up fighting and the fun time was over.

Adam was in my wedding party.  On my side of the wedding.  I wanted him there, it meant alot that he was there for me.  I was thrilled that he said yes, because with Adam, you really never know.  He could have just as easily said no.

Sawyer and Adam digging

Into our 20s, there were other things and times and events that impacted our relationship.  I won't get into them here, it isn't the time or place.  However, the one thing that truly brought the 2 of us back together was my kids.  First Sebastian, then Sawyer.  He is an amazing uncle. He and Sebastian have some similiarities.  They are both quiet, and not always comfortable with other people.  They don't always have filters and tend to say and do things that others might not necessarily do.  Neither of them is/was thrilled with school, rules, and doing things that they aren't really, truly interested in.  Their birthdays are 4 days apart. 

Sawyer ADORES him.  As soon as she goes to my mom and dad's house, and Uncle Adam is home, she beelines for him, and will hang out with him for hours.  She worries about him when he isn't home, and talks about him often.  She brings out a side in him that I don't know that I have ever seen before.  EVER.

Walkway Before

Walkway During

Walkway After

So, this fella decided that he was going to build a patio for us.  When he comes for our monthly family dinners and holidays, he often spends a good chunk of his time in the backyard, having a smoke and playing with the dog.  And, as he told me, he was sick of looking at the mess it was.

Friday, he showed up with a truck full of stone.  Saturday, he showed up with a ton of bricks and a plan.
Over the next 3 days (it was the Canada Day weekend), he, Geoff and I (and Sawyer) worked together, making miracles happen.  We dug a walkway, a patio and put up a fence.  He was gracious and funny, sometimes a big bossy, but really, not grouchy.  He was patient with me, and exceedingly patient with Sawyer.  He taught me things, and I got to realize how incredibly smart he is.  We made plans for more changes and more builds.  By the end of the summer, my back yard should be amazing.  I am feeling inspired and so thankful.

I am thankful for the changes.  I am thankful for the gifts, the sweat and hardwork.  I am thankful for the kick in the ass and the progress he has forced us to make.

But mostly, I am thankful that I got to spend the weekend with my brother.

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "new backyard, new memories".

Right Now

(as a note to any new readers:  I like to post a note occasionally called "Right Now".  In these posts, I talk about what is happening around me, in my mind and my heart, right now.)

- I have an ice pack on each knee.  It feels lovely.

- Geoff is making his way out the door.  He wants to shoot pictures in the late, late hours of the night.  He is a night owl.  He is at his best and completely motivated after 11pm at night.  I unfortunately, am not.  I am a morning person.  It has made the last 14 years of marriage frustrating and interesting.

- I can hear the filter on our new pool running.  The kids are thrilled with it.  Sebastian views it as a big bathtub and sometimes asks for bubbles.  Sawyer can't wait to be able to swim alone.  I love that they will get to have the experience of swimming their summer away, of getting sunburns on their noses and shoulders, of having pruny fingers and toes.

- Axle is panting in the heat.  He is stretched out on the bed, sleepy and relaxed.  But he's hot.  I bring him into the bathroom occasionally and rub water into his fur.  I tried to bring him outside and let him lay in his pool, but he's not interested.  He wants to sleep.  With me, in my room.

- I am enjoying the dripping water from my hair, as it runs down my back.

- I am watching Criminal Minds.  My mom lent me the DVDs for Season 3 and Season 4.  It took me a bit to get into it, but now, I think I am hooked.  It's creepy and disturbing, but has some cool characters.  Geoff and I are trying to clean up and actually watch some of the shows and movies that we have borrowed from other people.  There is a stack a mile high, just waiting for me to get through it.

- I am resisting the urge to eat popcorn.  And drink Diet Pepsi.  And eat cookies.  I am winning.

- My babies are sleeping.  I have checked on both of them, and they are a little sweaty but good.  Sawyer has lost her pjs at some point.  Sebastian is still wrapped in his blankets, coccooned and comforted.   The fans are running, moving the air, keeping them cool.  I worry about them in the heat, but they are fine.  Their minds are at rest, their bodies are recharging and growing.  I can feel their presence as surely as if they were in the room with me.  And it puts me at rest.  At peace.

- I am starting my overtime.  I have more work than I have time for.  I need the money.  I am still struggling with the doing, even though there are so many reasons why I should.

- There is an almost full moon in the sky.  There are leaves, rustling in a summer breeze.  There are small, night things moving in my backyard.

- Right now, I am happy.

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "now".

Halloween Boy and Roller Coaster Girl

We have nicknames for the kids. Sebastian is Halloween Boy. Sawyer is Roller Coaster Girl.  They both know the nicknames and will occasionally use them when they are referencing themselves.

Sebastian got his nickname early on.  Geoff gave it to him.  Sebastian's favourite movie for a lot of years was "The Nightmare Before Christmas".  He loves Halloween, skeletons, pumpkins and bats.  He has started growing out of it a bit, but the underlying interest is still there.

I remember taking him to see "The Corpse Bride" at the movies when he was younger, probably about 6 years old.  He was terrified of the parents in the beginning of the movie.  He almost cried and would pull my hand up over his eyes whenever they came on screen.  However, when the skeletons appeared, singing and dancing, he would laugh and clap his hands.  He loved it.

I remember as a little boy, I would draw picture after picture of cartoon skulls, jack-o-lanterns and bats.  I can still draw them...I had a lot of practice.

For Sebastian's 2nd Christmas, Geoff bought him "Where the Wild Things are".  I swear, I read that story every night.  I used to be able to recite the story off by heart.

"We'll eat you up, we love you so."

I have his nickname tattooed on my left arm.  It's the same arm that has Sebastian's name tattooed on it.  It may sound silly, but Sebastian learned to spell his name from that tattoo.  I remember sitting in my bed, with small 'Bastian on my lap.  Slowly, over and over and over, we would point to each letter and spell it out.  Over and over.  Again and again.  Every once in a while, he will still point out the letters, and spell his name.  Afterwards, he hugs me, and smiles.  He remembers our time and it's a good memory.

My Halloween Boy, he watches the Great Pumpkin all through the summer.  He wears his Mr. Incredible costume, even though it is getting too small.  He knows who Lock, Shock and Barrel are.  He was born with his bat or elf ear.

I nicknamed Sawyer.  Unlike Sebastian, Sawyer always loved to "fly", even when she was a tiny baby.  We would swoop her around and over and as she got older, we would flip her upside down.  She loved it.  She would laugh those great big belly laughs.  The more we did it, the harder she laughed.  She still does, to this day.

She loves to swing.  I will push her on the swing, as hard as I can and the whole time, she is yelling "Higher! Higher!"  She will lean so far back, her hair will touch the ground.  She looks at me upside down as she swings up towards me, the huge grin on her face just lighting her up.

She is my daredevil.  She is the one that will jump off, climb up, ride on, try it out...
You name it, she will do it.  And she will do it with a smile on her face and a laugh in her heart.  She is the essence of childhood.  She is summer time and and bubbles and fireworks all wrapped up in a red-headed package.

I have her nickname tattooed on my right arm, along with her name.  She asks me about it sometimes.  We have started to learn to spell, with her cuddled on my lap, and each of us pointing out the letters.

Tonight, when I was tucking her into bed, I sang our song to her.  "Momma, sing Hush Little Baby to me."  So I do.

And when I finish, she takes her little finger, and starts to trace the letters outlined on my shoulder.  She yawns hugely, and with shiny eyes, she looks at me.

"I'm your Roller Coaster Girl, right momma?"  I nodded and said she was.

She rolled over and snuggled her doll.  With sleepy sighs, she said "I'm so glad you are my momma.  I like being your girl".

Love you Halloween Boy.  Love you, Roller Coaster Girl.
Good night.
Sleep tight.

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "nicknames".

The "After"

In the interest of transparency, I have decided to share some after-work out photos with all of you.  I know, I know...gross.

But honestly, I have been talking to so many people about workouts lately, I wanted to make sure that I was representing the whole picture.  I want people to see what it's really like.  I worry that I make it sound easy, or that I sound condescending. Lord knows I tended to think that people who worked out regularly (and especially those that talked about it) were trying to rub my nose in the fact that I didn't.  I figured they thought I was lazy, that they were better than me.  Now I know better.  Sure, maybe some of them did think that.    But honestly, I think most of them felt the way I feel.  Proud.  A little tired.  Slightly amazed every time I try and every time I finish.  A little bit afraid that it might stop someday.

So, we talk about it.  I think it helps reinforce it in my own mind.  It helps hold me accountable, because some of the people I talk to today will ask me about it tomorrow.  And I have to have an answer for them.

And I think about the conversation that I had with a girl from work last week.  Every time I see her lately, she GUSHES over me.  It's flattering and sweet.  Last week, she told me that I was inspiring.  She said she thought we were both alike- we have always struggled with our weight.  We have our ups and downs, our successes and failures.  Since she relates to me, seeing me succeed makes her think she can succeed.  So, for her, I talk.  And tonight, I will share some pictures.

Tonight's workout was 60 minutes.  The first 20 was Stage 2 of Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred.  The remaining 40 minutes was Phase 3 from PINK Method- Strength Pull.

This is me, about 5 minutes after the workout.  I have already towelled off and downed a bottle of water.

catching my breath.  Rosie cheeks, sweaty hair.

The gear.
Green weights are 5 lbs each, black weights are 10lbs each.
My PINK Method book outlines what I need to do each night.
Axle is there for moral support.

I have ice packs, but they got taken out of the freezer.
So tonight, we use popcorn.

Ice packs on the knees.
It's how I end most of my nights.

So, that's my "after workout" photo montage.  I realized as I am doing this, that I am posting this as much for me as I am for you, my faithful readers.  I want to remember how hard I work.  I want to remember, once I hit my perfect weight, how much I need to avoid all my old triggers- beer, pizza, the sweet stuff.

There is a saying that if you still look cute after a workout, you didn't work hard enough.  Anyone here think I still look too cute?  :)

Rosie N. Grey
The N stands for "not a pretty picture".